If you've ever thought cockroaches are unnatural, science says you might be right

For decades, scientists have been trying to figure out where cockroaches came from, the mystery being that they do not exist in nature. Today we know the answer; we created them in our own image and likeness.

Sounds about right.

Naturally, science wanted to know the source of the German cockroach, the insect that has come to represent filthy restaurants and seedy motels the way the English bulldog Uga represents the University of Georgia. But the search went nowhere. There was no natural habitat in which the cockroach thrived — nature was too clean, perhaps.

Enter humans. Where do roaches come from? “The answer is us,” writes The Washington Post. “We made the cockroach. The species branched off from its closest cousin only about 2,100 years ago — a blink in evolutionary time — and is adapted entirely to living in dwellings alongside humans.”

Forget dogs; the cockroach is our most loyal companion. And 2,100 years ago would put it right around the time when Christ was healing the sick and eating at restaurants where they never cleaned the deep fryer and left the ketchup on the tables.

In fact, scientists say that if there were no humans, the German cockroach probably would never have come into existence. “It formed as a species due to its adaptation to human-made environments,” said Edward Vargo, a Texas A&M Entomologist. “It’s a creation of human-made environments.”

Funny how nature works. It sensed we needed something to clean up after us, consuming the trail of filth we left in our wake. Mother Nature probably thought she was doing us a favor. “Here you go, kids, a wonderful creation that will eat up every last crumb. You’re going to love it.”

Cockroaches were the original Romba. Better yet, they’re the night shift. After you go to bed they come out, tidy up, and disappear before dawn’s first light. You can’t find good help like that anymore.

Yet every so often, one of these poor creatures gets confused and comes out during the day, causing a Major League freakout and prompting calls to the exterminator who fills the house with poisons that have little effect on the bug, but probably shave months off our own lives.

That’s another thing Mother Nature saw coming. She knew that instead of being grateful we’d try to kill it, so she made the German cockroach indestructible. If you kill one, five appear in its place. And because they’ve evolved to thrive in buildings, no matter what we do they will keep coming back.

Speaking of durability, you might be wondering — I certainly am — how the name “German cockroach” has survived in our new, woke world. Gypsy moths have become spongy moths, it’s no longer possible to name a sports team after a native person (although imports like Vikings and the Irish are still OK) and strains of the flu can no longer be called “Asian” … they get catchy names like the N17X98.H12 Variant.

Yet we can still name a cockroach after the Germans? What in the name of Lili Von Shtüpp are we doing here? We cleaned up “German Measles” decades ago, but somehow we can still slander the race with cockroaches and potato salad.

It will surprise no one, perhaps, that the name came about as a result of war. Armies in the Seven Years War lined up in Europe, lobbing projectiles and insults at each other, like Prussian cockroach, Swedish cockroach and Russian cockroach. To the victor goes the spoils and, maybe more importantly, the right not to be identified forevermore with a sniveling insect.

But if we’re in a great whitewashing phase, maybe it’s time to get rid of “German cockroach” as well. If  there is to be truth in advertising, maybe we should name it after ourselves, the “Human Cockroach,” since we are the ones who brought it to life.

We might still stomp on one when we see it, but at least it would make us think.

Everybody thought Red Lobster was a pretty popular place. So what happened?

Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.

This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Scientists say humans are responsible for development of cockroaches