How to Write a Perfect Thank-You Note for Any Occasion, According to an Etiquette Expert
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You went the party. You opened the gift. Now it’s time to express your gratitude. But what thank-you note etiquette should you keep in mind?
These days, it’s common practice to simply send off a text or email to say thanks, and many people are cutting down on their use of paper to be environmentally conscious. But all of that only makes a physical note stand out more.
“A hand-written thank you note is still the most impactful [way to express thanks] because it’s tangible, and it shows that extra effort and extra thought,” says Myka Meier, founder and director of Beaumont Etiquette.
Whether you are sending thanks after a wedding or baby shower, to a professional connection or a friend, for money or a gift at the holidays, we’ve outlined thank-you note etiquette guidelines on how to send the best note on the appropriate timeline, as advised by Meier in her book Modern Etiquette Made Easy and in a recent interview with VERANDA. As she reminded us, you are sending joy in the note you are writing. (You might even consider crossing out your name (yes, that's can be part of etiquette too!).)
When Should You Send a Thank-You Note
As a rule of thumb, you should send a hand-written thank-you note for any formal invitation or gift, or for any special occasion where effort was shown on your behalf or that made extra impact on you.
Timeline
The best thank-you note etiquette is to send it within a week of what you are thanking the person for, be it a party or a gift. But you should also always send a thank-you note, no matter how late it might be. “Is it ever too late to send a thank you note? Never,” Meier emphasizes.
When Text or Email Thank-Yous Are Appropriate
A text is the least formal way to send thanks, then email, a then a hand-written note, and how you thank someone should match the formality of what you are thanking them for. You might, for example, send an email or text if someone left a candy cane on your desk at work or to the organizer of your child’s school holiday or a neighborhood potluck or any other group celebration. If someone has done something specifically for you, though, you should skip the digital option and send a hand-written note.
Stationery Selection
Match the stationery to its recipient. If it’s going to a close girlfriend, pick a design you think she would like. If it’s for a corporate relationship, use a corporate stationery.
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What to Write in a Thank-You Note
Meier outlines a formula for writing an impactful thank you note, as described in her book Modern Etiquette Made Easy, and recommends a note be one to two paragraphs in length.
1. Date and Salutation. For a formal note, you should always use “Dear” before the person’s name, but in a less formal note to a friend, you can just use their name followed by a comma. Add the date at the very top if you want to make the note a keepsake.
2. First Sentence. Meier recommends not starting with the words “thank you” since it is expected and takes away from the impact of the message. Instead, start with a sentence about how the gift, party, etc. made you feel.
3. Second Sentence. Write about why you liked the gift, party, etc.
4. Third Sentence. Now it’s time to thank the recipient for the invitation, gift, etc.
5. Fourth Sentence. Add a personal message about when you look forward to seeing them next or another concluding thought.
6. Sign Off. Again, match the formality of the words to the occasion.
Professional Examples: Best Regards, Respectfully, With Regards, Sincerely*
Informal Examples: Love, Xoxo
*Also of note, "sincerely" should only be used as a sign off in written correspondence, not in emails.
When Kids Should Send Thank-You Notes
Meier says kids should send thank-you notes as soon as they are able to understand that someone gave them a gift, and that it’s more important that they send notes than how formal they are. She recommends making it fun for kids with markers, stickers, pipe cleaners, glue, whatever you have on hand so that they are more excited to send them.
With her own daughter, Meier would have her draw on a construction paper cards starting when she was 3, and Meier would write the note. That evolved into a Mad Libs-style card where her daughter would fill in the blanks.
“She was very involved in the thank-you note process, which I think is really important because it teaches children value of a gift, of a thought, of an action, and teaches them early on what gratitude is,” Meier says. Now that her daughter is older, she has designed her own stationery and sprinkles perfume on it when she sends a note.
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What Not to Write in a Thank-You Note
“The most common mistakes is to make it too generic or send the same note out to everyone,” Meier says. “You should always try to personalize it.”
Also be careful not to use ChatGPT, but to make sure a note sounds like it is coming from you. “You want to make sure it comes from the heart,” she notes. “Otherwise it seems disingenuous.”
How to Express Thanks for Money or a Gift Card
Do not mention the amount of money or the gift card in your note. Use the word “generous” to show that you were taken back by it if that is the case. Instead, comment on the store for a gift card and what you might use it for.
How to Write a Professional Thank-You Note
Black is the most formal pen color followed by blue (and you should never use red), so always use black for formal correspondence. Avoid adding fragrance for a professional note. You should also note that a “clamshell” card that opens and closes is less formal than a one-sided card, so the latter should be used for professional notes, writing on only one side of the card.
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