It Can Actually Be A Good Thing To Cry During Sex, Experts Say
Picture this: You're getting hot and heavy—the sex is good, maybe even great. But suddenly, you're getting a little wet in an unexpected place. Yep, you're crying. You don't feel sad, though. So, what's going on?
The truth is, shedding a few (or many) tears during intimacy isn't uncommon. After the fact, you might feel embarrassed or confused, but there are actually many reasons for the waterworks. “Usually, if we start crying during sex, we try to immediately shut it down, like ‘What the eff is happening?’ or, ‘I shouldn’t be crying right now—my partner is going to be so uncomfortable,’ or, ‘What is wrong with me?’” says Rachel Wright, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City. “While it may not be your favorite way to engage in sex, crying is totally normal.”
Although crying is typically perceived as a sign of sadness, in reality, it’s your body saying “too much!” of any emotion—be it joy, fear, happiness, or pain, says Laura McGuire, MEd, a sexologist in Florida. Wright actually calls crying “emotional sweating.” But like sweating, tears sometimes pour out unexpectedly.
If your partner seems confused about why you're crying, "being honest is the best policy," says Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, a psychosexual therapist in Palo Alto, California and co-author of Orgasm Answer Guide. Yep, that means opening up about what you think triggered those tears.
Meet the Experts:
Rachel Wright, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City.
Laura McGuire, MEd, is a sexologist in Florida.
Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, is a psychosexual therapist in Palo Alto, California and co-author of Orgasm Answer Guide.
Donna Oriowo, PhD, LCSW, is a certified sex and relationship therapist and founder of AnnodRight.
Omoikhefe Akhigbe, MD, is a board-certified OB-GYN and medical director at Pediatrix Medical Group in Maryland.
But what if you have no idea where they're coming from? Below, experts explain the most common reasons you're crying during sex—and what to do if your partner's the one tearing up.
1. You're dealing with hormonal changes.
Whether you’re on your period, undergoing fertility treatment, or pregnant, you know hormonal spikes, dips, and shifts can trigger a waterfall. And that’s the case whether you’re watching a dog adoption commercial or spread-eagle in bed, says Nasserzadeh.
Hormones can lead to involuntary emotional responses. But if you're interested in continuing to have sex—and just worried about how these tears might make your partner feel—you can disclose that you're going through hormonal changes once the waterworks start. This can sound like "I'm not crying because it's sad, I'm crying because it was that good," or "I'm crying because I have a lot of hormone things going on right now, and when it comes down to pleasure and orgasms, this is part of how it expresses itself," says Donna Oriowo, PhD, LCSW, a certified sex and relationship therapist and founder of AnnodRight.
2. You’re drunk.
That last cocktail might have given you the liquid courage to ask a crush out, but you can also curse it for lowering the inhibitions that typically keep your emotions close to your chest, Nasserzadeh says.
Those emotions might not even have anything to do with your partner, or the sex itself. Maybe, the combination of alcohol and sex is making something else, like a deeper trauma or sense of anxiety, bubble to the surface. "[You] may be processing something very different from the sex that [you're] actually having, and it can release as tears," says Oriowo.
If your drunk tears feel bad instead of cathartic, try skipping sex while under the influence. And if this is a pattern for you, consider working with a sex therapist to help you sort through the feelings that arise when you drink.
3. You’re really relaxed.
Know why sex can feel so good? Because the rest of the day (or week or month) you’re tense, and the deed forces you to relax.
“When sex is really good and we’re completely relaxed for a few seconds—sometimes minutes—it allows all these things to come out,” McGuire says. It’s the exact same reason you may cry during a massage or yoga class.
"Sometimes, your body just has some things it needs to release," says Oriowo. "And sometimes, the release happens at a time that we feel is inconvenient or embarrassing. But just because it feels that way, doesn't mean it's not needed."
4. You feel super connected.
“If sex is a way of deep connection with a partner, your body might choose this form of release to communicate your emotions,” says Nasserzadeh.
That’s pretty typical, Wright adds, since sex releases oxytocin, and oxytocin promotes bonding, trust, and empathy. “It’s easy to feel safe [enough] to release emotions that may have been bottled up for whatever reason,” she says.
5. You’re grieving.
If you're dealing with a loss of any kind, grief can strike anywhere—walking down the sidewalk, during a work meeting, at the supermarket, or in the middle of sex. It goes without saying that it's normal to cry while grieving, but experiencing grief while also experiencing pleasure can be confusing.
"Sometimes, we seek sex when we're in a state of grief because we're craving closeness. We're craving to be seen, to be held, to be touched, and we're also craving some sort of pleasure as an escape from pain," says Oriowo. "But that does not mean you won't cycle through the grieving process even in that moment."
Additionally, you may feel a sense of guilt for seeking pleasure while you or those around you are still hurting. Still, grief has no timeline, so the best option is to feel everything as it comes and know that it's completely normal, she adds.
6. It hurts.
First and foremost: Sex is not supposed to be painful. If you're crying because you're experiencing painful sex, that may mean you simply need to slow down and grab some lube. But if it happens frequently, that may signal any number of (treatable) conditions like endometriosis, an infection, or pelvic inflammatory disease. Pain can also occur from scarring due to a previous vaginal delivery or surgery, birth control, allergies, and more. The list of possibilities is long, which is all the more reason to put a pause on sex and reach out to your gynecologist for a proper diagnosis.
Some forms of treatment can include nerve-regulating medications, pelvic floor therapy, avoiding irritating substances, steroid creams, surgery, or other medications depending on the cause, says Omoikhefe Akhigbe, MD, a board-certified OB-GYN and medical director at Pediatrix Medical Group in Maryland.
7. It hurts so good.
ICYDK, tears can strike due to the type of pain you asked for in the form of (consensual) choking, spanking, slapping, or getting tied up. “Both physical pain and pleasure activate the same part of the brain,” Wright says, “so it’s totally possible to be crying from pain and be enjoying it at the same time.”
If you're engaging in BDSM, make sure you and your partner set clear boundaries beforehand. This will allow you to talk over likes, dislikes, soft and hard limits, and more. You should also discuss what it looks like when you're having a good time versus a bad time to help your partner get a sense of what to expect during sex or a scene.
"Communicative work [is required] in order to have successful kink that's not harmful to the parties involved," says Oriowo. "Sometimes, the scene leads to processing some emotional things that have happened in the past that can trigger an emotional response."
Following a scene, it's also important to practice aftercare in order to regulate and stabilize one another, Oriowo adds. During aftercare, you should take time to ask questions and establish what each of you need mentally, emotionally, and physically. Maybe you need water, a snack, cuddles, alone time, reflection time, or something else. Everyone is different!
8. You’re ashamed or feeling guilty.
Nasserzadeh has worked with women who tell her they’ve cried during sex because they don’t feel like they “deserve” to take a moment to enjoy themselves. “They feel like, as a mother, they should be focusing on their child and not on self-pleasuring,” she says.
PSA, though: You cannot take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself. “If you’re feeling shame around sex or intimacy in general, and it comes out in the form of tears, it’s a good indicator to explore that shame outside of the bedroom and see what it’s about,” Wright adds.
First, try to figure out the root cause of the shame, and proceed from there. "Shame is not yours. It's something that's given to you that then becomes your voice," says Oriowo. For support, she recommends seeing a therapist and finding a community to lean on when shame flares up. And if you can't access individualized therapy or a supportive community, you can also try group therapy, journaling, shadow work using online resources and prompts, or even look into therapy-based podcasts.
9. You’re so happy!
Maybe you’ve had a seriously long dry spell, or maybe sex just has never been that fun or enjoyable to you... up until now. “If you’ve never had (or rarely had) satisfying sexual interactions, it might be so wonderful that tears would be a sign of gratitude, joy, or happiness,” Nasserzadeh says. In which case, let 'em flow!
"There can be a hormone rush of dopamine and oxytocin based off intense pleasure, which may result in crying," adds Oriowo.
10. You’re triggered.
Maybe you’re a survivor of sexual assault, or maybe something a little off happened once that you thought you’d forgotten. Suddenly, an otherwise normal and enjoyable sexual experience transforms into an unexpected trigger. “Trauma gets so deeply embedded in our minds and memory that it’s hard to remember exactly what happened, and something [sex] will bring it up,” McGuire says. Stop having sex if you feel like your brain and body are dissociating, if painful memories are coming up, or you feel out of control, Wright advises.
It's best to seek out help from a mental health professional if “you’re crying a lot and you’re not able to identify why, or even if it’s once but the feelings that are coming with that are sudden fear or a sudden sense of dread,” McGuire says.
If you're struggling, you're not alone. Contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 for 24-hour support.
11. You don't feel a connection to your partner.
This one is as simple as it sounds. Maybe you had a casual, spontaneous, hookup with someone you dislike, or maybe you've just been going through the motions with your S.O. lately. Either way, if you aren't psyched about your sexual partner, it's natural to feel a little less-than-great afterwards, or even mid-act. If you're having sex for the sake of having sex, or maybe just to boost your self-esteem, you might shed a few tears, Oriowo says.
So, what next? "Chances are, it's time to end the relationship or there is something else that you are really desperately needing to move through that you have not done yet," she adds. If you're not ready to break up, take some time to assess where you are in the relationship and if it's still serving you in a healthy way.
Talking these kinds of feelings out with a therapist is always useful. If you don't have access to therapy, you can lean on a friend who you believe is good at remaining unbiased, loving, and honest with you. You can also join free online communities on social media hosted by therapists to get access to therapeutic information that might be helpful.
What should I do if my partner cries during sex?
So maybe you're not the one crying, but you want to know what you can do the next time your partner cries. The good news is, there are simple, mindful ways to open up a dialogue. If they start crying during sex, stop completely and check in. Oriowo suggests asking them, "Hey, are you okay? What's going on?" or "Let's take a breather. What kind of care do you need right now?"
"You want to do whatever it is you can to check in with them, because you want them to feel safe, good, and sane," says Oriowo. "You want to be able to feed back into a desirability loop that will make them feel like they got good aftercare." Reassuring your partner that you can pick things back up later on might also be helpful if they're feeling self-critical.
But most importantly, the stigma around crying during sex is unnecessary, and for many people, a reminder that it's okay to cry can also make all the difference.
"We give crying a bad rep," adds Oriowo. "When we want to insult someone, we say they're being emotional. And when we say that, we're saying they're someone that's incapable of rational thought. So as a society, we have to do a better job of reframing what it means to be emotional."
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