Why Working Moms Need to Think Like a Breadwinner and Drop the Sky-High Expectations at Home

It’s past time we flip the script on what women and men should do.

Let's change our gendered view of parenthood altogether.

Photo: iStock

Growing up, we often adopt ideas about gender roles from watching our parents or seeing how other couples are portrayed in popular culture. Those ideas then inform the way we approach the division of labor and child care responsibilities in our partnerships.

The challenge these days is that many women—and men—have been conditioned to believe that women should pick up most of the household chores and child care duties. This can be an overwhelming and self-defeating goal if we also have or want a flourishing career (and creates resentment if we also bring home most of the income).

Getting to a more equitable division of responsibilities at home requires both partners take a closer look at the assumptions they brought into the relationship. They must be willing to adapt to the realities of their unique situation, rather than be bound by expectations or cultural beliefs.

From a purely practical perspective, if we have a capable partner, we won’t have to voluntarily pick up most of the responsibilities for taking care of the home and kids. Unless, of course, we’ve been led to believe those are inherently our responsibilities.

In dozens of discussions I’ve had with wives and moms in their twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties, it became clear this was still the case for many of us. That means it’s not just about getting our partners to step up at home and do a fair share of the work and child care—it’s also about being willing to let go of some of those responsibilities ourselves. And given women’s cultural conditioning, that can be just as difficult. Why?

The fact is, our society has placed expectations on both women and men that have little to do with our innate talents or what we may individually value or enjoy.

Let’s face it. Not every woman likes cooking and home decorating. Not every man wants to devote himself fully to his career. We may be assigning roles to each other without any consideration of what we’re actually good at and what we enjoy doing. By assigning breadwinning to men—and letting them off the hook when it comes to most caregiving and household responsibilities—we do a real disservice to women. The reality today is that a woman’s income is often essential to the household, and that income is in jeopardy if she’s also expected to pick up the bulk of the household duties. Assigning the lead caregiving role to women can similarly do a disservice to men, who have less of an opportunity then to deepen the bonds with their kids and be more involved in their lives.

Ultimately, everyone should have the opportunity to make the contributions they want inside and outside the home. Both men and women should have the chance to pursue their professional dreams and their full earning potential while engaging in personally fulfilling activities, too. That’s possible only when there’s an equitable division of labor at home. And that’s not a static arrangement. It can mean shifting most of the household responsibilities from one partner to the other so that each gets the chance to focus more fully on building a career or a business at different times.

It became clear that for me to be an effective (and happy) provider, my husband and I would need to recalibrate the roles and responsibilities we assumed we’d have once we started a family. And we’d have to let go of the cultural expectations we’d been hanging on to that didn’t serve us—along with any guilt or shame that came with not meeting them.

What if, instead of feeling bound to a 70-year-old division of household and paid work that no longer works for many of us, we created a new model that allows us to honor our ambitions, whatever they are? One that allows us to differentiate between what we truly want versus what our culture tells us we should want? One that gives us the chance to leverage our skills and indulge in more of what brings us joy, rather than feeling like we must take on certain tasks or risk being branded a bad spouse or parent? One that allows each partner to feel that she or he is contributing an equitable amount to the overall functioning of the household—whatever form that takes?

That doesn’t mean splitting the work 50/50, an impossibility for most. It means dividing up responsibilities in a way that respects each other’s time and abilities and allows both of you to have quality time with each other—and with your kids—and also having time to devote to the passions or pursuits that fill you up and bring you joy.

Excerpted from THINK LIKE A BREADWINNER by Jennifer Barrett, published by G.P. Putnam’s Sons, an imprint of the Penguin Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House, LLC. Copyright © 2021 by Bear One Holdings, LLC.