Warm-weather dilemma for men: Fewer pockets, more stuff: Ervolino

In the spring, a man’s thoughts turn to …

Wait! Men have thoughts?

Yes. We do.

And in the spring, those thoughts turn to all sorts of stuff.

Love. Baseball. Changing smoke alarm batteries. Fishing. Planting tomatoes. Horses. Cashing refund checks to bet on horses. And so on.

But most of all, we think about pockets.

Yes! Those little openings in your shirts, slacks, coats and jackets.

And why do we think of these things?

I’m glad you asked.

You see, every fall, we — the male of the species — have a slew of pockets. We have sweatshirt pockets. And hoodie pockets. And nylon baseball jacket pockets, in addition to our shirt and pants pockets.

Then, winter rears its chilly head, and the pockets just keep on coming.

In January, I went to a wedding wearing a suit jacket (three pockets) and an overcoat (three more pockets).

Being a left-handed individual, I had so many things in my left-side pants pocket, shirt pocket, jacket pockets and coat pocket that I had to stuff a 5-pound weight into one of my right-side pockets to keep from tipping over.

I do like winter for this reason, though. Pockets everywhere!

But then it starts getting warmer. And we begin shedding our outerwear. And the next thing you know …

Where am I supposed to put all this stuff?

I generally keep a handkerchief in my left rear pants pocket and my wallet and comb in my right rear pants pocket.

(True, there is no hair on the top of my head, but I frequently comb my beard and mustache.)

Beyond that, I have my cash — separate from my wallet — coins, store receipts, toothpicks (in my toothpick holder), Lactaid pills, Immodium pills, an emergency inhaler and a second emergency inhaler. (That’s in case something happens to the first one and I’m having an emergency.)

Beyond this, I have one cellphone, one cellphone charger, 85 pairs of glasses, and a handful of other things of a more personal nature.

Oh, and keys.

I assumed this is normal, but then I went on the reddit.com site to see what other American men were dealing with.

The first man mentioned his wallet, flashlight, pen, Kindle, phone, knife, pepper spray and pistol.

There were dozens of responders, but not one of them questioned any of these items. Perhaps that’s because almost all of them said they carry Glocks or TEC-9 blowback-operated semi-automatics.

(And I’m worried about where to put my Lactaid.)

More Ervolino: When is it time to take the car keys from an aging parent?

In recent months, I’ve seen more and more male celebrities walking around with discreet-looking bags that they were carrying or attaching to their belts, shoulders, fronts or backs.

Among them is the actor Jacob Elordi, the 26-year-old star of the movie “Saltburn,” whose collection of bags is so vast that it earned him a feature story in England’s Daily Mail: “Star delights fashion fans with his very stylish collection of designer ‘murses.’”

“Murse,” a portmanteau of “man” and “purse,” was already an antiquated term 10 years ago. Mr. Elordi is so good-looking, though, that he could walk around carrying a ZipLoc filled with plastic eyeballs and millions of men around the world would do likewise.

But … am I one of them?

Are you?

According to the Daily Mail, “Elordi’s collection includes the extremely on-trend Bottega Veneta cassette bag, a small Celine messenger bag, a Fendi crossbody and many more.”’

I googled “Bottega Veneta cassette bag” and saw that it sells at Neiman Marcus for $2,600 and that I could pick one up tomorrow — which I will most likely not be doing.

Interestingly, pockets were invented only about 500 years ago. So if you see any paintings of Jesus slouching in a corner with his hands in his pockets, the artist was mostly likely not in the room with him at the time.

In the medieval period, both men and women walked around with bags that were tied around their waists.

This cute idea was resurrected in the late 1980s with the arrival of the fanny pack, which really caught on about 10 years later with the advent of cellphones.

I did buy a fanny pack in the ‘90s and found it useful, but somewhat embarrassing to carry around. Sometimes buying cool new things makes you feel even older than you are.

The name embarrassed me, too.

“Will the older gentleman with the fanny pack please return to the men’s department? You left your grandchild on the counter.”

I got rid of my fanny pack 10 years ago but now find myself wondering if I should get a replacement, especially with a big vacation coming up.

In addition to everything else, I’ll have my passport, sunscreen and more to worry about.

On the plus side, the bag may be less noticeable now, because I’m wearing larger, baggier clothes.

In addition to having more to pack, I have more fanny.

This article originally appeared on NorthJersey.com: Warm-weather dilemma for men: fewer pockets, more stuff: Ervolino