The Trick That Makes It Easier to Set Smart Phone and Social Media Boundaries for Teens
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Since the publication of Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation, which looks at mental health statistics among young people since the popularization of the smart phone, experts have been sounding the alarm about teens and social media.
As Haidt explains, the rate of mental-health problems in the United States began shooting up around 2012, especially for girls — but it also rose in the United Kingdom, Canada, New Zealand and other countries across the developed world. So, what changed? According to Haidt, in 2010, teens had flip phones that they used to text each other in order to make plans to meet up at the park or the mall. But by 2015, most had smart phones with a front-facing camera, plus access to social media platforms like Instagram. That meant that childhood was no longer about using technology to get together — it was about using technology in lieu of seeing anyone at all.
And with that change came what he calls the four "foundational harms," which include sleep deprivation, social deprivation, attention fragmentation and addiction.
But now that smart phones and social media are widely used by teens, what can be done? I recently attended an Oprah Daily “The Life You Want” class addressing this technology-enabled teen mental health crisis, featuring Haidt and Dr. Becky Kennedy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, mom of three and founder of parenting platform Good Inside.
"Experts are calling all of us — on media, on parents, on teachers, on education systems, the tech companies, the government — to address this overwhelming epidemic of youth anxiety and depression," Oprah said during the class. "And many parents say that the biggest battle they face in the past decade wasn’t alcohol, or sex, or drugs or smoking — or if it was, it was combined with the big one, which is technology."
If you're a parent, it may feel like the train has already left the station, but I learned that there are ways that teens, parents, families and communities can push back against the epidemic.
To watch the full "The Life You Want" class with Dr. Becky and Jonathan Haidt, "Teen Mental Health," on OprahDaily.com, sign up to be an Oprah Daily Insider.
Be prepared to hold the boundary.
Haidt said the biggest pushback he's seen against the advice in his book is resignation — and the feeling that nothing can be done. But even if families have seen screen-time skyrocket in their houses, there's still time to set guidelines and roll back usage.
They can start by setting clear expectations. "My kids all use different types of screens, but before they do I tell them how much time they have, and what they are and aren’t allowed to do," Dr. Becky said. "I also try to infuse parental controls in any screen device they have. Too often, kids know how to set up their own devices as an adult, and we’ve lost our ability to have any sense of what’s happening there."
Parents can expect kids to rail against any limitations — and that's okay. "From the start, I know my kids are going to protest at the end and I prepare myself to tolerate it," Dr. Becky said. "When I end screen time, my kids do not say, ‘Thank you. I understand — you’re the best.’ They do what every other kid does, but if I gear myself up to hold the boundary, they know to expect the boundary."
Bump up the average age of smart phone use — and keep them out of schools.
While every family is different, Haidt offered these guidelines for smart-phone and social media use:
No smart phones before high school. "Just use flip phones or phone watches," he said. This way, kids can still reach out in case of emergency, but their lives aren't lived online.
No social media until the age of 16. Social media is not safe for kids, he says, and this gets easier to enforce if a group of parents bands together. "If your child is the only one, it’s incredibly painful," he said. "But what if half the kids in the school didn’t have it? Then it’s not so bad."
Establish phone-free schools. "We want our kids to have six hours a day away from their phone," he said. "It’s vital that the kids not be able to get the phone between classes or at lunch, because that’s when they can actually talk to other kids."
Give kids and teens far more independence, free play and responsibility in the real world. "If we’re going to cut back on screen use a lot, especially in elementary and middle school, we have to give them what we took from them, which is play," he said. "It used to be you could just send the kids out and they’d come home when the street lights were on. I understand that’s going to be harder today. We have to be more intentional. But if you can find ways to just help your kids hang out together, with no screens, they’re going to have a great time."
Collectivize with other families.
Of course, all of this is easier said than done. It's incredibly hard to limit the use of screens, phones and social media if it means socially ostracizing your kid. But what if it didn't mean that? I've mentioned this already, but this can be so much easier if families take the plunge and decide to enforce these limits together.
"If five of your friends and their parents are doing the same thing, sending the same message, and they’re actually making it easier for you to hang out in the same place, then it becomes much easier," Haidt said. "It’s not deprivation, it’s a new world of opportunity opening up." If the same parents can then lobby the schools to start phone-free policies, then the movement can grow even further. (But that's not an easy battle either — sometimes it's the parents who are more attached to the phone than the kids!)
"Principals have to set some boundaries and some tough love here," Haidt said. "And they can do it a lot more easily if you email the principal and say, 'We want you to do this.' If most of the parents, or even a bunch of parents, say 'We want our kids to have six hours a day away from their phones,' then they have political cover to do it. Otherwise they can't overcome the objections of these very upset parents who say, 'I want to be in constant contact with my child, even during class.'"
Even if it doesn't become official school policy, screen-time guidelines get a lot easier to enforce if a lot of parents are on the same page — which makes it easier for everyone.
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