I think we should break up: 8 spots to dump someone in Indianapolis
I spent the day of my worst breakup surrounded by fresh horse crap and stale tortillas.
After receiving the dreaded "can we talk?" message from my then-girlfriend on a Friday night, I knowingly scheduled my own dumping the next morning between shifts at my two summer jobs: a horse farm/wedding venue and Taco Bell.
Neither raking horse feces for three hours nor eight hours of slinging chalupas proved particularly cathartic as I contemplated my myriad shortcomings as a boyfriend.
Moral of the story: when it comes to breakups, timing and location matter.Last week I offered a guide to some of the best spots in the area for dates. Now, let's take a look at the other side of the coin.
It’s virtually impossible to end a relationship without anyone getting hurt, but that’s no excuse to fire off a text message and call it a day. If you don’t want to do the deed at home, these are the best — or maybe just the least awful — places to call it quits in Indianapolis.
Not at a restaurant
There are so many excellent restaurants in Indianapolis. Please don’t break up at one of them.
Restaurants can be expensive, and the good ones are usually crowded. That means potentially paying a hefty price to have a heated emotional exchange within earshot of strangers. The age of smartphones makes it even more dicey — do you really want to risk thousands of TikTok users watching you sob into a caprese salad?
When you’re ready to put yourself back out there, here's my comprehensive date guide to all the spots you need to know. For now, cancel those reservations and keep reading.
From first dates to special occasions: Best restaurants for dates in Indianapolis
For a quick, clean break, hit the bars
If you’re honest with yourself, this relationship isn’t going anywhere. There isn’t any animus, but why string things along? Time to say cheers, throw back a stiff drink and go your separate ways at one of the following establishments:
Burnside Inn
314 Massachusetts Ave., facebook.com/burnsideinnlounge
This three-story Mass Ave joint offers plenty of quiet corners where a teardrop or two will go unnoticed. Just be sure to finish up before the live music starts, or you risk shouting about the exact moment the spark died while an impassioned acoustic Foo Fighters cover drowns you out.
Metazoa Brewing Company
140 S. College Ave., metazoabrewing.com
How sad can you really be when you’re surrounded by dogs? This pet-friendly brewery assures that even if the breakup stirs up some melancholy, man’s best friend won’t be far away. Anyone’s dog can be your emotional support animal if you ask nicely and look heartbroken enough.
Pins Mechanical Company
856 Carrollton Ave., pinsbar.com
Pins can get a little crowded, but most patrons will be too absorbed in their game of giant Jenga to notice your relationship topple into pieces. If you or your partner needs to blow off steam, order a slightly overpriced cocktail — nothing tastes better when you’re in the mood for a little self-loathing — and embarrass yourself throwing gutter balls on the duckpin lanes.
For a college student or anyone else in a terrible relationship
Howl at the Moon
20 E. Georgia St., howlatthemoon.com/indianapolis
College is a time for learning, personal growth and self-discovery. For many, it’s also a time for regrettable relationships.
A loud nightclub is a terrible place to give someone closure, but perfect when you don’t even want to give them the time of day. The mere memory of your partner will make you physically recoil someday, but for now you can blot it out with loud music and strong drinks.
Admission to Howl is free for those 21 and older with a valid student ID on Thursdays, plus beer is only $1. Alternatively, you could pick a busy Friday night and ask your soon-to-be ex to pay your cover fee. Once you’ve had a few frighteningly neon-colored drinks, pin the bill on your loser ex and vanish into the frenzied crowd and thumping bass, never to be seen again — or at least until your Monday 8 a.m. lecture.
For when it’s not them, it’s you
Blue Collar Coffee
850 Massachusetts Ave., bluecollarcoffee.net
Ultimately, there’s no one to blame this time around. Things just aren’t working out. Nevertheless, you’re the one holding the knife, so it’s hard not to feel responsible for hurt feelings.
Any coffee shop with ample seating will do the trick here — Parlor Public House, Quills and The Avenue come to mind — but for me, Blue Collar in the Bottleworks District takes the cake.
Next to the counter on a board labeled “pay it forward,” customers leave notecards with descriptions of future visitors for whom they have purchased a menu item. You’ll see phrases like “a latte for a single mom,” “a scone for a teacher” or, if you’re lucky, a treat for someone going through a breakup.
Maybe it’s tacky to let a stranger pre-emptively buy your ex a comforting croissant, but romance is seldom inexpensive, and few things soothe heartache like butter and sugar.
For when you need to talk it over
You’ve been dating your partner too long to dump them in a bar or a coffee shop. It’s time for a long walk and a hard conversation.
Indianapolis Zoo
1200 W. Washington St., indianapoliszoo.com
Like Metazoa, the Zoo offers plenty of cute and cuddly sights to cushion the blow. For less than $30 per person, you can hash out everything that’s gone wrong while gazing at animals that have probably never heard the phrase, “We can still be friends.”
“Aw, look, a red panda,” you say, pointing to the fuzzy little creature and savoring the brief distraction. “Did you know they use their tails as blankets? Anyway, you’ve acted really insecure ever since I got that promotion, and it makes me feel like I’m supposed to apologize for being happy — should we check out the kangaroos next?”
Newfields
4000 N. Michigan Road, discovernewfields.org
Tickets are $29 at Newfields, where you can spend hours wandering around, staring pensively and combing through complex feelings.
Take in surrealist vistas of melting clocks at the Dalí Live exhibit and question whether your partner will remember you fondly or if you’ll simply become a misshapen blur in the recesses of their memory. Leap across the skeletal benches of the Funky Bones sculpture and wonder if life would be easier if, like the artwork, you had no heart beneath your ribs to break.
For many, Newfields is already synonymous with matters of the heart, having appeared in John Green’s 2012 young adult romance novel “The Fault in Our Stars.” I’ve never read the book, but I assume it has a happier ending than your relationship. Right?
For when you need to let it all out
The Canal Walk
Runs along West St. between 11th St. and Washington St.
Walking along the Canal on a recent Saturday morning, my girlfriend and I saw a family of baby geese paddling downstream. They were so small, so yellow, so fluffy. I instantly felt like bursting into tears.
Now, just imagine the catharsis you’ll feel when you part ways with a longtime partner there.
Everything is a little more emotional on the Canal. Maybe it’s the ambient whistling of birds. The way the sun colors the water pinkish orange in the morning and evening. All the handholding, ostensibly happy couples strolling nearby.
For someone who really wants to feel the breakup, the Canal is perfect. Once you’ve called it quits, you and your ex can dramatically walk in opposite directions. There are even trashcans conveniently located every few hundred feet to dispose of the many, many tissues you’ll go through.
Whatever venue you choose for your breakup, try to approach it with an open mind and heart. You never know what could happen down the line. These days, I actually consider the high school ex-girlfriend who dumped me that summer a dear friend.
Still, I could have done without the horse excrement.
Contact dining reporter Bradley Hohulin at bhohulin@gannett.com. You can follow him on Twitter/X @BradleyHohulin.
This article originally appeared on Indianapolis Star: The best places to break up with someone in Indianapolis
