Here’s How to Tell If You’re Really in an Intimate Relationship
When it comes to matters of the heart, we tend to throw around a lot of terms to try to describe and define the many, many different shades of romantic connections and experiences we might find ourselves wrapped up in. Is it lust or is it love? Is it limerence or real intimacy? How you answer these questions will depend, in large part, on how you (and your partners) define those terms—which, frankly, can vary! But when it comes to figuring out whether you’re in an intimate relationship, there are some expert definitions (and signs!) that can help guide you through your intimacy detection test.
"Intimacy refers to a deep connection and closeness between individuals, and the nature of this connection can vary based on the individuals involved and the dynamics of their relationship," says clinical psychologist and certified sexologist Denise Renye.
It’s important to note that intimacy is not exclusive to romantic or sexual relationships. “You can have intimacy with platonic friends, because intimacy isn't only about sex,” notes sex educator Carly S. Friendships and family, chosen and blood, are absolutely crucial. They also help provide the foundation that makes all romantic relationships stronger. That said, we’re aware that if you’re here, it’s probably to learn about how to develop or identify intimacy with the person that you're dating, which is totally fair!
As far as being intimate in a romantic context goes, it’s still worth noting that you don’t have to plan on marrying the object of your affections to enjoy real intimacy (although, as we’ll get to soon, making commitments to one another is a common sign that intimacy is brewing). Which is to say that it’s totally possible to experience intimacy in more casual relationships (and situationships), as well as serious ones.
"Intimacy is certainly not exclusive to monogamy; it can exist in many relationship structures, including non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships," Renye says.
In monogamous relationships, intimacy often involves exclusivity and a commitment to emotional, physical, and sexual connection with one partner. However, non-monogamous relationships can also have high levels of intimacy, too. In those cases, as Renye points out, partners may establish deep emotional connections with multiple people.
"Whether in monogamous or non-monogamous relationships, individuals can experience and cultivate intimacy by being emotionally present, respecting boundaries, and actively participating in building a strong connection with their partners," Renye says.
Keep reading for 17 expert-approved signs that you’re in an intimate relationship, and advice on how to curate intimacy if you feel your current ’ship may be lacking a bit in that department.
1. You Begin Integrating Your Lives
If you start merging your lives in practical ways, whether you’re talking about money, adopting a pet, or even moving in together and getting married, then there’s a good chance that your relationship is absolutely intimate. “Taking on shared responsibilities, such as managing finances together or caring for a pet, reflects a commitment to building a life as a team,” Renye says.
2. You Start Spending More Time Together
Integrating one another into your daily routines requires spending more time together, explains Renye. When you're in an intimate relationship you simply can't get enough of one another. Intimacy wants to feed itself with quality time. It becomes a beautiful feedback loop, as the more memories you make, the closer you become.
3. Physical Touch Feels Intimate
While there’s nothing wrong with wanting sex for the sake of sex, if physical touch feels more meaningful than just slapping bodies together, then yep, you’re probably in an intimate relationship (or at least heading in that direction).
That said, we’re not just talking about sex. According to Carly, all forms of physical touch, “such as holding hands, hugging, and kissing,” are ways of expressing affection and love for your partner within an intimate relationship. “These gestures convey warmth, care, and closeness, which can help foster emotional connection and intimacy,” Carly adds.
4. You’re Vulnerable With One Another
We’re just gonna go ahead and say it: Vulnerability is scary! And while it may make you feel weak, allowing yourself to be vulnerable is actually one of the bravest things you can do—and it’s kind of a crucial part of intimacy.
“Be willing to be vulnerable with your partner by sharing your deepest desires, fears, and insecurities,” Carly says. Not only is this a sign that your relationship is intimate, but vulnerability can foster emotional intimacy and strengthen your connection with each other.
5. You Make Eye Contact
Have you ever had someone inside of you but felt funny making eye contact? Spoiler alert: that’s probably a sign that that relationship was not intimate. “The most accessible way to add intimacy to your sex life is through the Tantric practice of eye-gazing,” advises Holly Richmond, Ph.D., certified sex therapist and Associate Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. “If we break down the word intimacy to 'In To Me See,' we get a delicious recipe of vulnerability and authenticity, which will help you and your partner feel more deeply connected. Eye-gazing is easy to set up but hard to drop into. It’s one of the hardest sex positions you'll ever try.” (And, while we're talking sex positions, might we recommend perusing this list of romantic ones to boost intimacy?)
6. You Trust One Another
While having sex already implies a level of trust, if you start to believe in each other and feel that you can put your faith in them, then there's definitely more going on than just sex.
“Trust involves believing in your partner’s integrity and character. When partners trust each other, they have confidence in their honesty, loyalty, and intentions. This belief in each other's integrity deepens the bond of intimacy and strengthens the foundation of the relationship,” Carly says.
Trust is also a sign that you’re really into someone—but just remember that trust is earned, and it’s okay to be a little stingy. “Trust is built over time; don't give too much too soon,” says Kelly Wise, Ph.D, LCSW-R, CST. You have to see if words and behaviors match up before putting too many eggs in one basket.” Do they show up when they say they will? Take accountability for their mistakes (or when running late?). “Make sure you check your work before allowing this person to have your trust,” Wise says.
7. You Turn to Them in Hard Times
In case you haven’t noticed, life isn’t always easy! If you’re hooking up with someone and feel wary of letting them know when shit hits the fan, then this situationship probably isn’t providing the kind of intimacy you crave in a partner. But if you start relying on your person during hard times, without worrying that you’re “burdening them” or “being too much,” that’s a pretty solid sign that intimacy is flowing.
“Providing and receiving emotional support during challenging times is a sign that you are turning to each other for comfort and understanding,” Renye says.
8. You Talk About the Future
While, yes, you can have intimacy in a friends-with-benefits situation, if you find yourself making plans for the future, such as becoming exclusive, getting married, or simply having activities to look forward to, then it’s a green flag that something more than sex is going on. When a relationship turns intimate, “you begin discussing and making plans for the future together, such as vacations, living arrangements, or long-term goals,” Carly says.
9. You Want to Know *Everything* About Them
Have you ever felt like your partner is a book you simply must devour—and not just to race through to the end, but to really savor every page and return to it again and again?
“Wanting to know everything about your partner reflects a desire to connect with them on a deeper level,” Carly explains. “When you express a genuine curiosity about your partner's life and history, and they reciprocate by sharing openly with you, it builds a foundation of trust and mutual vulnerability, deepening intimacy in the relationship.” This then validates both your and your partner’s identity and experiences, which makes you feel both understood and valued. "This affirmation of your worth and significance contributes to feelings of closeness and connection, strengthening intimacy in the relationship," Carly explains.
10. You Share Secrets
If you find yourself spilling your heart out during post-sex pillow talk and sharing your deepest, darkest, or silliest secrets, then you're both likely catching feelings. “Sharing secrets requires a high level of trust in your partner. When you confide in them and they respond with understanding and support, it strengthens the bond of trust between you,” Carly says. This creates opportunities for deeper emotional exploration. And while sharing secrets is a sign that intimacy has already entered the chat, it’s also a great way to continue building it. If you catch yourself delicately opening up about your trauma as your partner listens and then does the same, and neither one of you goes running for the hills, congrats—there’s intimacy afoot.
11. You Prioritize Them
As Richmond points out, sometimes early in relationships (or situationships), we make it all about us and/or the other person makes it all about them. But if you’re making one another a priority, there’s intimacy, baby.
“One sign that your relationship is getting serious is when you notice that you prioritize the other person's feelings more equitably with your own,” Richmond explains. You can also use this as a jumping-off point to finally talk about things. “Centering your partner, including their feelings, expectations, pleasure, and values, is a nudge to have a conversation about where the relationship is now, as well as what you can envision for the future.”
12. You’re Honest With One Another
While faking an orgasm or telling half-truths about being over your ex may feel like no big deal in casual situations, if you find yourself called to be fearlessly honest, then you probably not only respect the person you’re seeing but feel a growing intimacy that has the potential to keep evolving. And yes, this includes talking openly about your wants and needs, desires and fantasies. Not only does this foster intimacy, but it’s a pretty sure-fire way to get what you want, both emotionally and physically.
13. You’re Committing to One Another
You don't have to want to put a ring on it, settle down, or have kids, but if you start talking about making some kind of commitment to one another, then that’s a pretty good sign that things are getting intimate—even if it's through forming ethically non-monogamous bonds or something non-traditional.
"A decision to be committed, whether it's monogamous, poly, or any other creative relationship design that is openly talked about and consensually agreed upon, is a clear sign that the relationship is becoming more serious," Renye says.
14. You Meet Each Others’ Friends and Family
Unfortunately, the rumors are true: It’s totally a red flag if someone doesn’t want to introduce you to their friends or family. While, yeah, we might want to tuck away our side piece or keep our hot but insufferable hook-up just for ourselves, if you do start introducing someone to your friends or family, then there’s something worth talking about.
According to Wise, wanting to subject your partner to the terrors of holidays with your parents or your messiest friend’s birthday party is a sign that you want this person in your life in a more meaningful way. “It also allows you to see if they are putting their best foot forward to make an impression on those who care about you,” Wise adds. “Sharing your partner with friends and family requires a level of trust in the relationship. When you introduce someone to your inner circle, you demonstrate confidence in the strength and stability of your relationship.”
15. You Celebrate Milestones Together
Spending holidays together or creating your own, whether that’s marking your anniversaries or finally embracing Valentine’s Day, can indicate that things are getting serious.
“Celebrating important milestones, such as anniversaries or holidays, is a positive sign that the relationship is meaningful and important to both partners,” Renye says. Conversely, if someone drags their feet or seems squirmy if you suggest spending holidays together or doing something special for V-Day, it can be a sign that they’re only interested in something casual.
16. You Spend Time Together Outside of the Bedroom
Some relationships have their rightful place between the sheets. It’s okay if you don’t want your holiday hometown hook-up to take you slow dancing under the stars like you’re the star of a Hallmark movie. But if you and your significant other (or insignificant-but-becoming-more-significant other) enjoy hanging out even when you’re not getting it on. Renye says that this could indicate a sense of intimacy and that the relationship is valued. It's also a great way to build intimacy. Oh, and it’s important to make sure that you're not just doing activities that appeal to you. A willingness to embrace your partner’s fave pastimes, even the ones that aren’t exactly your jam, is also a key part of intimate relationships.
17. You’re Romantic
Last but not least (and this one may seem obvious), if you act romantic towards one another, then hi, yes, that’s intimacy! This could mean simple yet sweet gestures like leaving them a love note to wake up to before you head back to your place after an epic sex marathon or following the traditional script of wining and dining over candlelit dinners. Either way, leaning into the romance—whatever that looks like for you—is a huge part of intimacy.
How can you add more intimacy to your relationship?
If this list left you craving more intimacy in your current romantic sitch, you can totally manifest that. The number one way to start getting more intimate? Communication. Intimacy requires open dialogue about the future, as well as your desires and fantasies. Remember, honesty is a sign of intimacy and a way to create more of it.
And, while the sex may already be off the charts, you can weave more intimacy into your relationship through sweet touches such as hand-holding, hugs, kisses, and of course, eye contact during sex. Such seemingly small gestures can amplify your connection beyond the physical.
Intimacy also requires mindfulness. Have you ever been with someone and felt like, even though they’re physically with you, they’re miles away mentally? Yeah, us too, and it’s a total buzzkill. It's crucial to be mentally present with your partner, fully immersed in the mutually shared moments. And let's not forget the importance of quality time outside the bedroom. That's important in general, but as Renye points out, it can also help to challenge yourself to engage in activities that your partner enjoys, even if they're new to you—whether it's a concert, a hike (no pressure on that one) or simply watching someone's favorite film.
“The secret sauce to a richer intimate life lies in open communication, mutual respect, and a curiosity to delve into and connect with your partner on multiple dimensions,” Renye explains. “Understanding each other’s desires, fostering a space where trust and vulnerability are welcomed—these are the pillars that support a fulfilling, intimate relationship.”
Now go forth and get intimate, lovergirls.
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