We need to talk about that ‘Texas Rangers 2023 World Series champions’ banner

The right path here is to ignore the quarter-sized zit on the super model’s face; how does one look away?

Late Thursday afternoon and into the evening, the Texas Rangers held their party to celebrate what scientists, theologians and academics debated for years: That this franchise could actually win a World Series championship.

On Thursday, the good Lord gave Arlington a beautiful day: Sunny skies and 73 degrees, ideal conditions to ... close the roof at Globe Life Mall. Don’t ask. I’ve given up. Just grab some Gorilla Glue and seal it all up.

The place was packed. Sales at the team stores for new World Series merchandise were brisk. When manager Bruce Bochy and reliever Josh Sborz wheeled out the World Series trophy during the opening day pregame festivities, it was all perfect.

And then came what everyone wanted to see. The banner. The 2023 World Series champions banner.

Rangers PA man Chuck Morgan told the 42,000-plus in attendance where to point their phones, to the right of the Jumbotron in right field. A few seconds passed, and then down she came in all of her glory.

Or, at least the right side of the banner did. The left side didn’t want to cooperate.

It was stuck for several seconds. Just gotta jiggle it; my guy says you gotta just bang it around, wiggle that thing a little bit and it should work just fine.

Then it came down, and there she was to show off to everyone who walks in here: The first World Series champions banner in the history of the Texas Rangers. The crowd cheered, but there was an awkwardness here.

This super model has a giant zit that you don’t want to acknowledge but can’t ignore. And there was no way the Rangers could pop it right in the middle of their home opener.

Directly on the “H” in “champions” is a wrinkle that stretches from the top to the bottom of the banner. An iron, or maybe one of those at-home dry cleaner kits, could take care of it.

This is one of things that will drive all OCD Rangers fans away from the home stadium.

My career as an interior decorator failed to click, no different than my aspirations to be a rocket scientist, drug rep’, exterminator, politician, mathematician, obstetrician, teacher, rodeo clown and NFL punter, but all of us could immediately see that there is a “engineering flaw” here.

This looks more like the girls from the Delta Gamma sorority who hang a bed sheet from their house during the week of homecoming that reads, “DG girls hate the Sooners.”

The location of the banner means at least 20 percent of those in their designated seats can’t see it.

Only the Rangers could win a World Series and provide a punchline, too. The Rangers won the World Series and screwed up the unfurling the World Series banner.

But of course they did.

Just looking at this new banner with her octogenarian-style wrinkle and you know that there will be “reply all” emails with a committee followed by several meetings to determine how this tragedy could happen.

It doesn’t look like the Rangers practiced this one; they just picked a spot and said, “Just hang that thing over there on Opening night; it’ll be fine,” without actually doing it first.

Perhaps we need to give the Rangers a break. They’ve never done this before.

Sure, they had only about five months to prepare for Thursday night, but maybe there were COVID-related supply chain problems. Have you seen the traffic on I-30? And then there are all of those issues at the border, too.

If they were smart they would just blame the Democrats.

In left field the Rangers have mini-banners to celebrate their division championships, American League championships, and a wild card appearance. In all, there are 10 of those.

In the outfield hangs a giant American flag, another for the state of Texas, and a third for the city of Arlington. Those all three hang without a single wrinkle.

That’s 13 banners/flags at GLM that have nary a flaw. The one that matters the most to this franchise has what amounts to a giant zit, and on opening night the Rangers couldn’t pop it.

Before Game 2 on Saturday, the Rangers might want to clean up the prettiest banner in the place.