How to talk to your kids about porn

If you came of age before smartphones and internet connections that didn't involve a series of beeps and groans, your first encounter with porn might have been your dad's weathered stack of Playboy back issues hidden in the garage, or a sleepover viewing of "Skinemax" after the grown-ups had gone to bed. For today's teens, however, the introduction to adult-only content is more likely to occur online.

As featured in the New York Times, a recent report from the nonprofit child advocacy group Common Sense Media found that the average age of a young person having their exposure to online pornography is 12. By age 17, three-quarters of teens have come across online porn, whether they're searching for it or not. According to the report, 58% of teens say they accidentally viewed X-rated material in the course of using social media, clicking on online ads or browsing the internet. And 41% of teens reported viewing explicit photos and videos online during the school day, either on their own personal smartphone or a school device.

"It's just so much more accessible now," Melissa Pintor Carnagey, the founder and lead educator for the Austin-based resource Sex Positive Families, says of pornography, noting that, pre-Internet, "there was some degree of gatekeeping" that made it more difficult for young people to encounter it. The modern-day prevalence of cyber porn, the mom of three adds, can "feel scary."

But porn is a "topic that's overlooked," author, sexual health educator and Sex Education Alliance founding member Amy Lang tells Yahoo Life.

"I think what's happening is that parents know their kids are going to see it," Lang adds, "or are really worried their kids are going to see it and know they need to talk about it, but they don't know how to talk about it, so they kind of get stymied."

Lang, a mom who founded the "sex talk" resource Birds & Bees & Kids, notes that many parents are "squeamish" about discussing sex and porn. "But it's so important to make porn part of the sexuality conversation" with kids and to discuss sex in a healthy way, she says, "because porn is going to give them all kinds of wrong ideas about sex."

Be proactive

Carnagey says there are four markers she suggests parents look for to help determine when it's a good time to start talking about porn with their children. The first is age; while Carnagey notes that "there isn't one set age" to start the conversation, she recommends bringing up the topic before the onset of puberty, which for some kids could be as early as 8 years old. Other markers to consider: When a child has independent access to the internet or smartphones and such; if they're spending unsupervised time hanging out with their peers or older tweens and teens; and when they're starting to express curiosity in sexual health topics.

Ideally, she adds, parents will have the opportunity to talk about what porn is and the messages behind it before their child encounters it.

"Parents really need to be laying the foundation for these conversations so that it isn't just like a 'gotcha!' shame-based thing," Carnagey says. "And they can be proactive and help their child understand the things that they could potentially see or come across."

By getting ahead, parents can also help their kids "understand how they can be safer while they're navigating online spaces or are in conversations with their peers," she adds.

Use age-appropriate explanations

How these initial conversations play out will depend on a child's age and level of maturity, says Lang, who recommends an age-appropriate approach. For a kid under 7 or 8, a parent might say, "Hey, you know what? You can sometimes see videos of naked people online. This isn't for kids. It can be really scary and confusing. It's grown-up stuff. So please stop watching and let me know. You won't be in trouble if someone else shows it to you."

For kids over 8, who might have already had "the sex talk," parents can repeat these key points — not for kids, scary and confusing — while naming these sexual materials as "porn." Tweens and teens, meanwhile, can have more explicit conversations that discuss porn within the context of sexuality, Lang says. "You need to be really up front about it and about the industry and how it misrepresents sexuality," she advises, adding, "People's bodies don't look like that. Real people don't sound like that when they have sex. They don't do those things when they have sex."

Parents can also point their kids to safe resources to learn more about sexual education. This can be helpful in terms of normalizing a natural curiosity about the body and what it does, says Carnagey, while redirecting them away from porn.

"It's OK to be curious, but there are safer ways for them to learn about these very human things," she says. "There's a lot of things being created for young people so that they can learn about what sex is and they can learn about what different bodies can look like, but they're made for education, not for adult entertainment. And that's the difference that we can help them understand."

Be safe

Discussions about porn should include ways to avoid it and an action plan that outlines what to do if a kid comes across it. And the stats show that they almost certainly will. As Lang notes, generations past had to make a real effort to see more than, say, a copy of Penthouse concealed in plastic and put on a high shelf at the local 7-Eleven. "Now it takes zero work to get to porn," she says.

While nothing is foolproof, Lang recommends setting up parental controls on any devices a child has access to in order to limit their chance of stumbling upon an X-rated pop-up ad or video. That can also include blocking certain search terms that will produce risqué results or teaching basic internet security tips so they're not clicking on suspicious links or downloading unsafe material or viruses.

Monitoring is also important, she adds, noting that porn is typically passed around through a shared link sent over text, email, social media messaging program or mobile game.

"If you're not talking with your kids, if you don't have things locked down, it just makes it easier for them to be exposed," Lang says. "But again, I cannot say this clearly enough, they will see porn and parents just don't want to believe that."

And so it's also prudent for parents to come up with strategies for kids when the inevitable happens. Talk about setting boundaries — such as switching off their iPad or stepping away from their computer or saying no when friends want to pass around a racy image — when they feel uncomfortable and emphasizing that the child can always come to their parent, or another trusted adult if they see or hear something that seems unsafe and/or sexualized.

Be open

Both Carnagey and Lang agree that kids should be left feeling like they can tell their parents about anything they've come across without fear of being punished or shamed.

"[Tell them] 'if you see things like this, you're not in trouble,'" Carnagey says. "That takes the shame out of it. This is not about punishment; this is about their safety. And saying, 'I'd like for you to turn off the device or step away from it, or let me or a trusted adult know so that we can help explain what you've seen' gives them very clear next-step actions to follow."

Reacting with anger if they admit to seeing porn is "not effective," she says.

"Many parents of today are seeking to be effective, to break cycles of shame that many of us grew up with around these topics," she notes. "There are other ways [to respond]. Number one, take a breath and know that it is completely typical and normal for kids of all ages to be curious about these topics, especially because they have so much access so it's more likely that these things will come into their sphere, even if they're not actively seeking them out. So if we take a breath and kind of bring our guard down and calm ourselves, then we can approach the situation from a less reactive place, which makes it more inviting for our young person to actually engage with us."

Instead, she continues, parents can reassure their kids "that it's totally normal to be curious about bodies and sex." Again, emphasize that this content is not made for children because "it can send unhealthy and unsafe, confusing messages about bodies and sex." Let them know they can learn about sexuality through other, age-appropriate resources. In short, focus on "redirecting versus shutting down their curiosities," Carnagey says. These conversations can be harder, she notes, but over time they help parents keep an open, shame-free dialogue and establish themselves as supportive, trusted resources.

Be firm

And what if it turns out that your kid is the one passing along the porn? What's being sent matters. Is it a random porn link or screenshot from an adult film, or a nude photo they've taken of themselves or received from someone they know? The latter comes with high legal stakes and should obviously be taken more seriously, Lang says, by informing the other parents (even if it's awkward) and removing all traces of the image from any devices. Kids should be aware of the risks of both sending explicit (and if they're under 18) illegal photos of themselves, and receiving, disseminating or making public any images someone sends them.

If the material in question is less extreme (like the equivalent of passing a Playboy around), however, Carnagey suggests using it as a "teachable moment" so they can understand the impact of their actions.

"It's important to be clear and direct and let them know that by doing that they are crossing a boundary," she says. "They're doing something that is unsafe, and so we don't want to ignore it or dismiss it."

And while a parent's first instinct might be to ground them for a month, they should focus less on discipline and more on having that open, shame-free dialogue so you can reiterate your expectations for their behavior and reinforce any safety measures. For example, if Junior has been using his iPhone to Google pornographic images, adding more parental controls or setting time usage limits may be an appropriate response.

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