How to talk to your family members about right-wing extremism
The rules of polite society tell us that we aren’t supposed to talk about money, religion or politics in casual conversation. Oftentimes, this is the refrain that echoes in our heads as we drive home for Thanksgiving dinner.
I write about politics for a living. If I don’t bring them up, someone else will. I can’t really answer the question “How is work going?” without mentioning the latest midterm elections, a new bill in the General Assembly, or a national policy or trend that I’ve written about. If someone asks me about my job, that is where the conversation will inevitably end up.
Other people are engaging with family members this week whose views might venture into “dangerous” territory: maybe your uncle is a devout QAnon follower, or your cousin doesn’t see a problem with the Proud Boys or the storming of the Capitol last January. Maybe they don’t feel dangerous, but they are starting to fall deeper into hypnosis and are becoming more detached from reality.
It is easy to approach these situations by completely ignoring them. Sometimes it’s easier to just let your uncle regurgitate Tucker Carlson talking points to you, or to nod when your grandfather blames some societal ill on an entire class of people. Maybe, if you’re really trying to avoid these conversations, you’ll skip Thanksgiving altogether.
It’s tough to have uncomfortable conversations; it’s tough to accept that your family member has started identifying with harmful ideology. It’s also important to have those conversations, and to take a stand when someone you love is actively choosing fear and hate over acceptance of other people.
But if you’ve ever had a disagreement with someone who has fallen into right-wing conspiracy theories, you probably know that logic and facts can only go so far. When someone believes in a global pedophilic cabal, it’s hard for them to face reality.
Samantha Kutner researches extremism and is the cofounder of Glitterpill LLC, a company that offers consulting services about domestic terrorism and right-wing extremism. She says that when approaching a family member who has fallen into conspiracy theories, it’s important to detach yourself from a desired outcome and understand that these things take time.
“You want to think that you can love somebody back into wholeness, and that by virtue of you being there, they will see the error of their ways and come around,” Kutner says, “but the reality is, you can’t show an election denier election statistics and think that that will convince them. You can’t use debate and logic when there’s this emotional undercurrent to everything.”
That doesn’t mean that only “dumb” people come under the influence of conspiracy theories, like QAnon or the Great Replacement Theory. To understand how to help someone who has fallen for conspiracy theories, you need to understand their thought processes. Kutner suggests doing this by noting inconsistencies in their views and asking them to explain their thought processes to you. Hopefully, over time you can show them that they still have the support system they may be looking for in groups like QAnon or anti-vaccine conspiracy theories.
“Disengagement,” Kutner’s preferred way to describe this phenomena, is a nonlinear experience. She also says to be mindful of how much you can take.
“If someone is manipulative, abusive or just completely detached from reality where they’ve stopped really seeing you as a family member, it’s probably healthier to not engage in that way,” she says.
But, if you can stomach it, you owe it to your friends and community members to speak up when a family member is harboring harmful beliefs about marginalized groups. The sooner we are comfortable with confronting that, and having those awkward conversations, the more we can help each other understand how to combat extremism within our circles.
