Talk Back: Papa ate a rolling stone

"Talk Back" with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard from 9 a.m. to noon Saturdays on
"Talk Back" with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard from 9 a.m. to noon Saturdays on

Optimistic about the future? You’re not alone. Surveys show most folks generally feel pretty chipper about what’s to come. We, on the other hand, beg to differ. Bad enough that any venture we invest in promptly goes belly-up, but in case you haven’t been paying attention, there’s a whole lot of wacky-doos out there whose driveways don’t go all the way to the road, if you know what we mean. The ones that are a few sandwiches shy of a picnic.

And eat soup with a fork.

Not that we’re saying they’re all a bunch of nimrods. They can’t be. You see, hardly anyone goes hunting anymore. But have you seen the sort of things they’re asking Uncle Google these days? Hundreds of thousands of them, all obsessed with something we’ve never given a second thought.

How old Taylor Swift and Dolly Parton are.

But even those aren’t the most burning questions on people’s minds. Far from it. Why, last month alone, there were more than a half million queries about something they normally would have learned in kindergarten had not their teachers been forced to spend so much time passing out cookies and milk instead.

How many weeks are in a year.

Don’t laugh; it’s true. They’re completely clueless. So much so, they’re also constantly posing the second most important question. Where am I. Yogi Berra was right. If the Founding Fathers were still alive, they’d be rolling over in their graves. Is it any wonder most people are firmly convinced the moon landings were filmed on a soundstage? And not just any soundstage, mind you.

But one deep in the jungles of Saturn.

But if you think things are bad now, wait till AI hits its stride. You know what AI stands for, don’t you? Always incompetent. Take the Alphabet Soup kind Uncle Google’s been touting as the best thing to come along since First Fridays car shows moved to the county fairgrounds. You wouldn’t believe the bilge water it’s been spewing. Like advising people to apply a big ol’ dollop of pizza glue to the dough so the cheese and pepperoni slices don’t slide off. And reminding the health conscious that eating a rock a day keeps the doctor away. After all, they come naturally packed with essential vitamins and minerals. Not to mention they’re guaranteed to give you a gravelly singing voice. Which is pretty cool if you want to sound like Conway Twitty.

Or Jimmy Durante.

Why anyone would find this surprising is beyond us. We’ve been eating pebbles most all of our lives. Cocoa one day and fruity the next. But it didn’t go viral until Bob Dylan assembled a group of rag-tag Nashville musicians who couldn’t tell the difference between a harmonica and a trombone and laid down a one-take track with an incredible hook of a lyric that overnight became the ultimate rock anthem.

Everybody must eat stones.

That’s the trouble with AI. Everybody’s so sure a dollar bet on Nvidia will turn them into overnight millionaires, they’ll believe anything this Cap’n Billy Whiz Bang know-it-all has to say, no matter how crazy it sounds. Like declaring the best form of cardio exercise to be running with scissors. How the 2.5% annual inflation rate between 2000 and 2023 is why prices have suddenly plummeted 43%. And how the best spaghetti recipe is one that combines the flavors of gasoline and Italian spices. And there you have it. Proof positive why so many people today have rocks for brains.

And why you-know-who is a shoo-in to win the presidency in November.

Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement is heard every Saturday morning from 9 a.m. to noon Eastern Time at, Facebook Live and

This article originally appeared on The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Papa ate a rolling stone