Ryan Cooper: 'We stole it first' should be the official slogan of America
"I need to borrow your phone. Walmart stole the stuff I was trying to steal from them.”
I normally wouldn't lend out my cellphone, but I’m a sucker for comedy gold. I listen as the man tells the 911 dispatcher that he was trying to steal a large shopping cart full of electronics and alcohol but had to use the bathroom and left his cart unattended. When he returned, all of the items he was trying to steal had been placed back on shelves.
“I need an officer to help me get my stuff,” he said. “It’s mine because I stole it first.”
“We Stole it First” should be the official slogan of America, rather than the weird Latin phrase “E Pluribus Unum.” Americans treat immigrants like interlopers, despite our 400-year history of stealing land and resources that didn’t belong to us.
“They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.” If only the Native Americans had listened to the wild-haired village elder with tiny hands who warned them about Europeans not sending their best people. Instead of feeding the Pilgrims, the tribes should have tackled them on the beaches and thrown them back into the ocean. The natives learned the hard way that once you feed strays, they come back for more food and bring more of their friends.
People will claim that there’s a big difference between the Pilgrims of the 1620s and the Latin American immigrants of the 2020s. Pilgrims escaped religious and political persecution by traveling thousands of miles to America in a boat. Modern immigrants are escaping religious and political persecution by traveling thousands of miles to America on foot.
The biggest difference is that the Pilgrims didn’t have to apply for a green card, work for five years, apply for citizenship, wait another two years, pay an immigration attorney thousands of dollars and hope that your application doesn’t get rejected throughout the convoluted process. With both major parties trying to one-up each other on border security theater, immigrants need help trying to enter the complex and dangerous minefield that is the American immigration system. If someone can’t enter the country legally, the only option is illegal entry. Here are some helpful tips for those trying to enter the southern border:
Reverse cosmetic surgery: For years, white women have used tanning and plastic surgery to look like brown and black women. White women want all of the beauty without any of the housing, employment, and police discrimination. Female immigrants can do the same, but backwards. The easiest way to get a flat backside and a hanging pooch belly is with a reverse Brazilian butt lift. In this procedure, plastic surgeons remove fatty tissue from the breast and buttock areas and reinsert it into the abdomen. After the procedure, patients are recommended to wear extra small T-shirts with tight pants to help accentuate the protruding stomach area.
Become a Karen: Immigrants are often accused of stealing jobs that nobody wants. The only job in America worse than being a journalist is being a Karen, so it’s the perfect job to steal. To become a Karen, you must feel entitled. Always ask to speak to the manager when someone in authority questions you. If accused of a crime, accuse the accuser of a crime.
Change your religion: Americans are leery of foreigners speaking a foreign language and worshiping a foreign god. Many Latin travelers are Catholic and pray to the Virgin Mary. Real American Christians pray to Donald Trump. Bring a Trump prayer statue with you before you head for the border.
Don’t run across the border: Nothing says “guilty” more than running. Most Americans are too fat to run, so that shows you aren’t from here. Walmart knows that a person running out the door is usually a thief. The southern border is no different. Casually walk across the fence, barrier, or obstacle and act like you are enjoying a hike.
When you combine all of these tips, this is what it looks like:
A female immigrant arrives near the border, alone, with all of her belongings in four plastic Walmart shopping bags. On top of one of those bags is a Trump prayer statue. She is wearing a Justin Bieber T-shirt that is just short enough to expose her obese stomach. She’s also wearing pajama bottoms, like she just woke up from an afternoon nap to pick up her kids from school.
As she strolls up to the border, an agent approaches. She pulls out a cigarette and asks for a light.
“Ma’am, I need to see your ID,” the border agent says.
“I lost my ID at Walmart while buying new clothes to wear at the next Trump rally,” she says. “After I finish smoking this cigarette, I’ll be on my way.”
“Not so fast. How do I know you are a legal resident?” the agent asks.
“How do I know you aren’t an illegal immigrant pretending to be a border patrol agent? I’m going to need to talk to the manager of the border,” she says, pointing at the agent while flapping her bingo wings.
The agent realizes that he’s dealing with a Karen. He stops asking questions.
“You are definitely an American citizen. You have a good day. Be safe out here.”
Ryan Cooper is a Missouri State graduate and former political columnist for the Springfield News-Leader. He currently sells newspaper subscriptions in locations across America.
This article originally appeared on Springfield News-Leader: Cooper: 'We stole it first' should be the official slogan of America
