RHONJ’s Tortured Husbands Department Hijacks the Season 14 Premiere With Sex Toy Talk

The Real Housewives of New Jersey husbands are down bad — though not quite crying at the gym — in Sunday’s Season 14 premiere.

So far in the new season (which is airing new episodes Sundays at 8/7c on Bravo), the Househusbands have already gotten more screen time than Annemarie Wiley in Beverly Hills — a full-time cast member, mind you! In the premiere, the men took center stage to whine and gripe about what happened in “New York” (aka the Season 13 reunion), a diabolic pre-“New York” secret meeting, and John Fuda’s rumored fondness for a particular sex toy. (File “double-sided dildos” next to Sprinkle Cookies and Prostitution Whore in the RHONJ canon.)

Apparently, John’s ex has been spilling the tea about his past, mainly the fact that he used to be a drug-dealing, sex-toy-wielding fiend! Of course, Teresa was the first one to bring up said rumors and nastiness on-camera — and the woman became obsessed! She gabbed about it with Jennifer Aydin on the way to the episode’s main event, Jennifer Fessler’s 55th birthday party; she told Louie that “so much s–t came out in the Internets” about John before launching into the specific accusations; and she threw it directly in John’s face just before the episode ended.

At this point, we have some questions: Is Teresa’s newfound Fuda obsession meant to fill the Melissa-sized hole in her heart? Since Melissa claimed, “I really don’t want to answer any questions about Teresa this year,” in an early confessional, is our OG protagonist simply searching for something to cling to? What is it with all this Fuda-focused sex toy mania?!

But Sex Toy Gate wasn’t the only point of contention among the Housewives and their Househusbands. As expected after the revelation at the Season 13 reunion that Louie was secretly investigating (or, stalking?) his fellow cast members, Teresa’s husband was a hot topic at the party. (Louie had a “business meeting” so he was notably absent from the festivities.) But, as the loyal, middle-of-the-road RHONJ matriarch, Dolores wasn’t having it and her poor partner Paulie tried to join her in rising above the drama. In an effort to de-escalate the fire on Louie, however, he actually fanned the flames by becoming the guy’s staunch sole defender. The result? A huge argument amongst all the men, leaving Paulie sticking up for Louie until he was red in the face. (Being an Irishman leaves Paulie kind of always red in the face, but we’re talking a shade of crimson we haven’t yet seen!)

As the episode came to a close and the final shots were fired in John and Louie’s direction, we couldn’t help but wonder: Are these the smallest men who ever lived that Taylor Swift is referring to in Tortured Poets Department? (The pop icon and Teresa have met, in fact! So it’s not impossible!)

What did you think about the Househusband drama in the RHONJ Season 14 premiere? Let us know in the comments!