I Refuse to Buy My Kids Christmas Presents to Give to Each Other
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The epiphany struck around Christmas time. My husband, my daughters — then ages 10 and 7 — and I were strolling down the aisles of a local big-box store, the girls eager to choose presents for one another. As we do every year, we teamed up into two groups, tackling opposite ends of the toy section: me with our older daughter, my husband with the younger one.
Once we split routes, mission “find the perfect present” was underway. My daughter and I scoured shelf upon shelf for potential candidates, considering each option with deep contemplation as we inched down the aisles.
When we all started to converge toward the center of the toy section, we channeled our inner spy. We dodged past aisles to avoid the other pair, concealed potential picks in the cart under our scarves and jackets and whispered to one another as we mulled over options so our voices wouldn’t carry.
I marveled at the warp speed and efficiency with which my daughter plucked the hottest toys of the year off shelves. Down came a LEGO kit, a Barbie Dream Camper and, last but not least, an L.O.L. Surprise! Glamper. After several moments of rumination, her face lit up and I could tell what was coming. She wanted to buy them all. Unfortunately, not a single one of her selections was under the agreed-upon fifty-dollar budget.
Glancing at the pile in front of us, I knew all three toys tallied up to well over a hundred dollars. It was time to remind my daughter (for the third time) that fifty bucks was a firm limit.
No sooner had the words escaped my tongue than she turned on her heels, hands planted on hips. “Money isn't everything, you know,” she said.
My own words back to bite me. Ouch.
“You’re right,” I reasoned. “Giving is important, but so is budgeting.”
Being raised with very little meant trying extra hard to teach my kids the value of money.
When we were growing up, my brother and I never experienced the magic of Christmas — not the receiving, nor the giving — not because we didn’t want to celebrate, but because we couldn’t afford to. As first-generation immigrants, my parents were often strapped for cash, with just enough to feed us and hold a roof over our heads. By the time they were financially stable, we were past the toy phase. As a result, we’d grown up excited at the sight of a nickel or penny, which collected over time would inch us closer toward whatever we were saving up for. By age 6, our gazes automatically ventured toward the generic options on grocery store shelves. By 8, we knew the difference between wants and needs before we knew the words themselves.
As a parent, then, I was deliberate in not only teaching my kids to appreciate giving but also to remain financially responsible.
Back at the store, an idea struck. “I’ll make you a deal,” I conceded. “Since you really want to get this for your sister so badly, I’ll pay fifty dollars, and you can help with the rest. How about that?”
I smiled.
She blinked.
I could see the wheels turning in her head as the implication of my suggestion set in. Paying out of pocket meant dipping into her painstakingly saved birthday money and allowance funds.
After just another nanosecond of hesitation, she grabbed an item right below the fifty-buck mark from the stack and plopped it in the cart, putting the rest back on the shelf. “I think she’ll really love this,” she said, a sweet smile on her face.
That’s when it struck me.
My kids loved being generous, even going to bat for one another, but only if their own pocketbooks weren’t involved. Did that mean I’d been financing their “generosity” all these years? Had they ever even experienced true giving? Of relinquishing a bit of their own resources to the benefit of someone else? Had all our Toys For Tots shopping excursions, canned food donations and clothing collections for orphans been a waste of effort, simply because I’d been trying to instill benevolence in all the wrong ways?
The following Christmas, right before our annual holiday shopping trip, my husband and I agreed on a new game plan. We cozied up with the kids near the Christmas tree, the Elf on the Shelf dangling precariously from a nearby chandelier.
“This Christmas, we’re going to shop for each other, like we always do,” my husband announced.
Glee lit up the girls’ faces — it was finally that time of year!
“But instead of us giving you a budget, you get to pick the budget.”
Looks of pure disbelief and ecstasy. Squeals of excitement.
“Because you’ll be paying for each other’s presents,” he finished.
Complete silence.
“You mean out of our own money?” the little one finally asked, bewildered.
I would have laughed at their expressions if I weren’t so keen to reaffirm that we were serious.
That year, the atmosphere in the toy aisle was somber. Suddenly, price tags took on a whole new meaning, studied as closely as the presents themselves. The girls started questioning the pragmatism of selections. Would the younger one truly enjoy a wagon? Or had she outgrown it? Was the older one still into American Girl doll furniture? Would their generic counterparts — for one third of the price — achieve the same reaction for less?
And making sure the cash register rang up the purchase exactly right was monumental. Ultimately, the girls went home happy, if a little lighter in the wallet, and they took extra care to be gentle with the presents as they wrapped them. That night, as I prepared for bed and reflected on what we’d witnessed in the girls that evening, the right word materialized: mindfulness.
Every year after, our tradition continued … but so did a nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Was I doing the right thing? Or was I failing, again, somehow by adapting this refined approach to generosity?
Some research later, I had my answer.
Experts say our gift tradition makes it possible for our kids to step outside themselves.
Many researchers agree that having kids tap into their own resources to benefit others can have myriad benefits and long-term effects. Dr. Barry Klein, an expert psychologist and creator of the Family Constitution, an innovative program designed to promote harmony among family members, supports this approach.
“Giving plays an important role in the development of empathy — or the ability to see the world through the perspective of another person and to have appreciation of their needs and feelings,” he says. “Also, charity and giving play an important part in every religion and society as well as in the development of psychologically healthy children.”
So how do you transform your kids into generous humans who don’t battle your efforts?
Dr. Klein suggests that it starts with candid family dialogue. “I would suggest a family meeting in which parents and children discuss the benefits of paying for one another’s gift,” he says. This could include talking about how we feel good about ourselves when we give, how we create happiness in another person and how resources aren’t meant to just benefit us, but those we love, too.
“I would also stress that as members of a family, we all make a contribution and help and support one another,” he says. After that conversation, there’s still more work to be done, such as building a basis of emotional intelligence in kids so they can fully understand and appreciate the notion of generosity.
Kids who are cognizant of emotions in themselves and others develop an acute awareness to feelings, such as when someone might be hurt or happy. And that serves them well throughout life. “Emotional intelligence is related to success in relationships and careers,” Dr. Klein says. “And it’s a skill that’s needed throughout a person’s life. Giving is related to emotional intelligence.”
Those who are emotionally intelligent grow perceptive of how their actions — such as works of generosity — impact others. They understand that sharing can have positive effects on those around them, and this understanding is what pushes them to act in positive, generous ways.
I had taught my kids to be generous, but underestimated the role of materialism in kids’ lives.
But thinking back to my kids’ reactions, I realized the problem wasn’t simply generosity or lack thereof. They were happy to be generous when we were paying. A part of the problem was their unwillingness to share money, specifically. Unfortunately, the issue of materialism and fear of somehow not having enough if we share isn’t uncommon in humans overall, but there are ways to ameliorate this sentiment in kids.
According to a 2018 study, materialism has been on the rise overall, but has touched historically high levels with Millennials, so much so that this generation is commonly dubbed “GenMe.” Fortunately, parents can take steps to halt materialism’s adverse effects on children. The best most effective way, the study found, was by fostering gratitude.
Parents who intervened to increase gratitude in kids reduced the effects of materialism as well as its negative impacts on generosity. Ways parents can work with kids to achieve this is by involving them in charitable giving, having them volunteer around the community and encouraging them to keep a gratitude journal. For younger kids, cultivating regular dialogue around what they’re thankful for is also impactful.
“Adam Grant in his book Give and Take cites decades of research that shows that it is ‘Givers’ who are not only the most successful in their careers but also the happiest,” Dr. Klein says. And according to a white paper by Summer Allen, Ph.D., other positive effects include better overall health, more contentment in life, delayed mortality, and longer lasting relationships, among others benefits.
Although we’re still early in our tradition of giving and I can’t attest to the long-term upsides of instilling generosity just yet, I do already notice a difference in my girls. Since we started this tradition three years ago, their generosity has transcended beyond the holiday season to include offering to pay for friends’ birthday gifts, pampering each other with surprise splurges and even being more cognizant and appreciative of the efforts others make for them. More than anything, I’m proud that they’ve learned not only what generosity means, but also experienced the joy of bringing a smile to someone else’s face. That’s a gift that, I hope, will keep on giving back to them for the rest of their lives.
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