You really are your own worst critic: Here's how to stop bullying yourself.
As a therapist, one of the first things I notice about people is the way they speak about themselves. I often marvel at the human ability to be so self-deprecating. Why does it matter how you speak to yourself? Because the outcome is often a lowered self-esteem and a strained relationship with who we are.
At the heart of this issue is the inner critic. It's that pesky familiar voice in our heads that criticizes, blames, belittles, questions, plants doubts and undermines our accomplishments. It’s the voice that says we’re unattractive, lazy, undesirable, failing, inadequate, worthless or different – and not in a good way.
Common reasons we bully ourselves
It's how we were spoken to as children (a narrative we internalized)
It's how our caregivers spoke about themselves (modeled behavior)
It’s become a habit (like swearing)
We’ve succumb to unrealistic expectations (resulting in our being constantly disappointed)
We believe that being harsh yields better outcomes (tough-love approach)
We struggle to see our worth (and our language reflects that!)
We do it to protect ourselves (“If I say it, it will hurt less when others do.”)
Silencing your worst critic
The good news is, it's certainly possible to change this behavior. It just takes some self-reflection and following several steps:
Observe the inner critic. It's important to be aware when your inner critic is speaking and what it’s saying. For many of us, the hurtful words have unfortunately become familiar, normal and habitual. We no longer find them alarming. Being aware of your inner critic is the first step to silencing it.
Identify the message. What message is your inner critic trying to convey? The inner critic is usually trying to communicate fears, insecurities, conditioning or past wounds. Curiosity about the inner critic’s message can be a powerful tool in reframing your inner dialogue. If we hear “no one likes me” we can explore what the inner critic is really trying to say, and it may be as simple as “I am lonely."
'It's not like he cheated on me': Cheating is not the only form of betrayal
Reflect on the origin. Our inner critic often stems from a negative early experience in our lives that we have internalized. So you should reflect on the voice of your inner critic. Does it sound like a parent – or even a friend? And when did you start talking to yourself in such a judgmental and demeaning way? It can be helpful to consider social, cultural or familial influences.
Locate your inner ally. It’s helpful to have a friend on your side when you are being bullied. Imagining how you would speak about the positive qualities of a friend, and practice saying those things about yourself. In the process, you're acting as your own ally.
Adjust your expectations. The biggest part of accepting our humanity is adjusting our expectations. We often set unrealistic demands that lead to disappointment and fuel our inner critic. It might be a good idea to unfollow social media accounts that promote unrealistic standards. We can also try to reframe our “failures” as lessons.
Poke holes in the argument. Your inner critic loves to exaggerate and internalize other people's comments or projections. It's important to take an analytical stance and ask yourself if your inner critic has evidence for its claims. Pinpointing a counterargument helps us stay grounded in reality.
Demand an apology. I often tell my clients to pause once their inner critic has finished speaking and ask them for an apology. No one should be speaking to you in a disrespectful or degrading way – not even your inner self. Asking our critic to apologize makes us take responsibility for the way we treat ourselves.
Talk back. What would you like to say back to your inner critic? Take this opportunity to stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. This may also be a good time to validate the inner critic. You heard me right – validate. This may seem counterintuitive, but stay with me. I don’t mean we should validate the way our inner critic has spoken to us. Instead, we may choose to validate the inner critic’s pain or concerns. That way, you can address the root of the issue.
Stop just saying 'I'm sorry.': Here's how to actually apologize – and mean it.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist who specializes in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: Self-deprecating? How to stop bullying yourself, silence inner critic
