An Open Letter to Managers Everywhere
You just don’t get it—but it’s not only your fault. It’s mine, too. Here’s why.
A life coach mom pens a letter on establishing work-life balance we need every manager to read.
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You just don't get it. Please, I'm begging you—hear the exasperation in these words. This last year has completely exhausted me and you are not helping. I get it. You have a business to run, and I have a job to do. Heck, I like doing this job, but there's got to be an acknowledgment and an ounce of understanding that this job is not the only thing going on in my life.
What else is going on, you ask? Well, let me share because you never probe beyond the polite "How was your weekend?" "Good. How was yours?" at the start of our meetings. My toddler got out of bed three times last night. He didn't need anything and promptly fell back to sleep between each wake-up, but I could not. He did, however, make sure to request that I don't cover up his lovies' faces when I tucked him back in—stuffed animals need to breathe, too! My 9-month-old is teething and learning to crawl, so his sleep wasn't great either. This mama is tired!
I did get a lot of work done last night, though! That one to two-hour period after the kids go to sleep is the peak of productivity for me. I know you might think I am not committed to my job because I leave at 5 p.m. on the dot for daycare pick-up, but that is just the start of Part II of my day. Next comes pick-up, dinner, bath time, bedtime, cleaning up the house, finishing up the day's work, and—finally, if I’m lucky—sleep.
Surprised by all this? That's partially my fault. You only see "Work Me," because that's all I want you to see. “Work Me” is trying my best to hold it all together, get my sh*t done, focus, and be the ultimate employee. "Work Me" doesn't want to get mom-tracked. "Work Me" likes adult time and getting to have conversations that don't revolve around potties and Paw Patrol.
Jess Feldt is a life and leadership coach for strong, ambitious working moms.
Courtesy Jess Feldt
It's also partially your fault. Empathy and inclusion are seriously lacking in our work culture. I understand you may not be a working mom to small children, and you’ll never fully get it unless you are a working mom to small children. I don't expect you to understand, I expect you to care enough about me as a human being to try to put yourself in my shoes and consider what I've gone through navigating a pandemic, work, a family, and small children. I expect you to acknowledge that by ignoring this other part of my life, I feel excluded, burned out, and ready to throw in the towel.
So, let's agree that we can make this better. To start, let's lay down some ground rules:
You'll trust me to get the work done. Full stop. If I'm not in the office, there's probably a very good reason. If I leave at 4:30 p.m., it's because daycares charge a dollar a minute if you're late. If this pandemic has taught us anything, it's that you don't have to be present in the office to be a good employee. If I'm not getting the work done, then we can talk. Until then, allow me to do the work when it's convenient for me.
I need to show empathy, too. You have a manager and goals and deadlines you need to meet as well. I'll commit to asking for what's important so I can make sure I'm prioritizing appropriately. I want to be a team player.
You'll respect the boundaries of the work day. Work commitments before 9 a.m. and after 5 p.m. are generally terrible. They force me to choose between my commitment to my job and my commitment to my family. Don't make me choose. We all lose.
I'll hold my boundaries, because if I don't respect my boundaries, then how can I expect you to? I will not respond to emails on the weekend, so you will stop expecting me to. I will stop reorganizing my life to prioritize work, so you will stop expecting me to. And while we're at it—stop expecting this of yourself or anyone else! Working mom of small children or not, everyone has a life and responsibilities outside of work and this needs to be normalized.
And here, Dear Manager, I’ll end this letter. We have an opportunity to create an amazing workplace filled with empathy and inclusion. I know I’m not the only one who will benefit from this. We all benefit when we feel we’re able to bring our full selves to work and are seen for who we are. You see me; I see you.
Signed,
Your local, friendly, exhausted working mom
Jess Feldt is a life and leadership coach for strong, ambitious working moms. She says, "Screw the shoulds!" It is possible to feel fulfilled as both a professional and a parent without sacrificing your identity or sanity. You can read more at jessfeldtcoaching.com and follow Jess on Instagram and LinkedIn.
