Oller: Return of the 'Incredibly-Clever-Except-When-It's-Not' college bowl picks column
Welp, the (used to be) annual “Incredibly Clever Except When It’s Not” college bowl picks column is back, tail between legs, after dipping its toe into the print and digital transfer portal and finding no takers for our so-called talent of making snarky predictions.
Turns out the grass is not always greener, and neither is the NIL money we were seeking from media companies that turned out to be AI generated. Who knew?
Anyway, we are back where we belong, cranking out bowl picks that are heavy on stylized souffle and light on substance. You want in-depth data and analysis? Call Connor Stalions. In the meantime, rock on.
Myrtle Beach, Georgia Southern vs. Ohio: Good luck getting Bobcat fans off the golf courses into the stadium. Ohio, 38-27
Celebration, Howard vs. Florida A&M: Never pick a school matching the same last name as one of the Three Stooges to win. Florida A&M, 48-24.
New Orleans, Jacksonville State vs. Louisiana: In the bayou, Gamecocks fans wave bye, you, to the Ragin’ Cajuns. JSU, 28-24.
Cure, Miami (OH) vs. Appalachian State: The RedHawks have never beaten Michigan. App State has. No one said our picks have to make sense. ASU, 34-21.
New Mexico, New Mexico State vs. Fresno State: The game is played in Albuquerque, which ranks No. 4 nationally in stolen vehicles. Lock the bus when you leave, Bulldogs. FSU, 38-31.
LA, UCLA vs. Boise State: Remember when the Bruins’ Chip Kelly was the flavor of the month among college coaches? Neither do we. BSU, 24-23.
Independence, Cal vs. Texas Tech: Berkeley vs. Lubbock? This left vs. right donnybrook would be more interesting if it was a political debate. Cal, 34-24.
Famous Toastery, Western Kentucky vs. Old Dominion. We watched the Hilltoppers lose by 53 to Ohio State, but the Monarchs would have lost by 63. WKU, 43-27.
Frisco, UTSA vs. Marshall: San Antonio runs for cover upon mistaking Thundering Herd for thundering heard. Marshall, 53-48.
Boca Raton, South Florida vs. Syracuse: Let’s gauge incentive. One warm-weather team travels across the state to play in slightly warmer weather. The other team leaves hell frozen over for a tropical paradise. Syracuse, 24-17.
Gasparilla, Georgia Tech vs. Central Florida: Are we supposed to believe a convenience store that sells ice cream won’t swat the Yellow Jackets? What’s that? It’s UCF, not UDF? Uh, never mind. GT, 31-21.
Birmingham, Troy vs. Duke: Schools that double as first names are hereby disqualified from this column. Double forfeit.
Camellia, Arkansas State vs. Northern Illinois: Not being from the south, we’d never heard of red wolves, but apparently they exist as more than an ASU nickname. Whatever. Northern Illinois tames them. NIU 38-30.
Armed Forces, James Madison vs. Air Force: The fourth U.S. President was more of a Navy man. It shows. Air Force, 42-17.
Famous Idaho Potato, Georgia State vs. Utah State: Spud rhymes with dud. Utah State, 24-17.
Ventures, South Alabama vs. Eastern Michigan: Battle of the directional mehs. South Alabama, 23-20.
Las Vegas, Utah vs. Northwestern: The Wildcats’ surprising season of overcoming just got up and went. Utah, 28-14.
Hawaii, Coastal Carolina vs. San Jose State: The Coastal is not clear for Carolina as their quarterback is transferring to N.C. State. The Spartans will take advantage of the upheaval. SJU, 43-35.
Quick Lane, Bowling Green vs. Minnesota: Falcons say, “Ay Ziggy Zoomba” this, Gophers. BGSU, 27-24
First Responder, Texas State vs. Rice: Pity the first responder to arrive at this carnage. Texas State, 50-24.
Guaranteed Rate, Kansas vs. UNLV: No jokes here. After suffering an on-campus tragedy, the Runnin’ Rebels need some positivity. UNLV, 37-34.
Military, Virginia Tech vs. Tulane: The Hokies hear “Two Lane” and worry the Green Wave are too advanced for them. “We don’t have superhighways down here in the holler.” Tulane, 37-21.
Mayo, North Carolina vs. West Virginia: Mountaineers say, “Heels, we’re gonna Miracle Whip your butt.” WVU, 31-27.
Holiday, Louisville vs. Southern California: The Cardinals can score. The Trojans can’t defend. 1 + 1 = another Lincoln Riley whine party. Louisville, 42-38.
Texas, Texas A&M vs. Oklahoma State: The Aggies have a new coach. The Cowboys have an established coach. Chalk up a win for old Mike Gundy, now long past 40. OSU, 37-31.
Fenway, SMU vs. Boston College: The Mustangs hit this one over the Green Monster and out of the park. SMU, 35-17.
Pinstripe, Rutgers vs. Miami: Rutgers is only 50 miles from the Bronx, but Miami is NYC South. Go with the home team. Miami, 24-23.
Pop-Tarts, N.C. State vs. Kansas State: In sugary snack breakfast food terminology, the Wildcats are about to get toasted. N.C. State, 24-20.
Alamo, Arizona vs. Oklahoma: Forget “Remember the Alamo;” Sooners fans are wondering whether Brent Venables remembers how to win. Arizona, 38-34.
Gator, Clemson vs. Kentucky: After finishing 8-5, maybe it’s time Dabo begins taking the advice of “Tyler from Spartanburg?” Kentucky, 24-20.
Sun, Oregon State vs. Notre Dame: Also known as the Anti-Big Ten Bowl. One team angry it was left out of the B1G vs. one proud it never accepted an invitation to join. Notre Dame, 27-17.
Liberty, Memphis vs. Iowa State: “Give me having to watch the Liberty or give me death.” Tough choice. Iowa State, 34-27.
Cotton, Missouri vs. Ohio State: What can (Devin) Brown do for you? The Buckeyes are about to find out. Missouri, 24-23.
Peach, Ole Miss vs. Penn State: The Nittany Lions defense makes Lane Kiffin’s offense look more like Old Mrs. Penn State, 31-10.
Music City, Auburn vs. Maryland: At halftime, the band plays the obscure country break-up hit, “I dumped this game for another.” Maryland, 31-30.
Orange, Georgia vs. Florida State: Bulldogs-Seminoles knock-knock joke: Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad the playoff is expanding to 12 teams? Georgia, 24-17.
Arizona, Toledo vs. Wyoming: Toledo is next to Michigan. Wyoming is next to Yellowstone. Advantage Cowboys. Wyoming, 35-27.
ReliaQuest, Wisconsin vs. LSU: Whenever the Cheeseheads travel south, they melt like cheddar on a grilled burger. LSU, 42-20.
Fiesta, Liberty vs. Oregon: Bible Thumpers vs. Tree Huggers? Pass the popcorn. Oregon, 48-17.
Citrus, Iowa vs. Tennessee: Iowa’s defense puts the squeeze on the Tennessee orange, but the Hawkeyes’ offense once again plays like pulp. Tennessee, 17-10.
Rose, Alabama vs. Michigan: Cheaters never win, at least not against Nick Saban. Alabama, 27-24.
Sugar, Texas vs. Washington: The Longhorns hook’ em some Huskies. Texas, 40-31.
National championship, Alabama vs. Texas: The Tide turns Bevo into chopped liver. Alabama, 28-17.
This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: Ohio State Buckeyes football one of 42 bowl games on college schedule
