Oller: 'Michigan Impossible' keeps getting more bizarre by the day. How will it end?
As the alleged Michigan signal-stealing brouhaha allegedly continues to go off the rails, it struck me, allegedly, that what is needed is a name for the developing alleged scandal.
Spygate was already taken, thanks to Bill Belichick (not allegedly). And Tattoogate doesn’t make sense, although I know some Michigan fans who want to tattoo Connor Stalions, the alleged brains – to use the term loosely – behind whatever this rodeo ride ends up being called.
I came up with Maize and BlueDot, an homage to the sunglasses worn by someone who resembles Stalions – cough, cough – seen wearing Central Michigan staffer clothing on the sideline during the CMU season opener against Michigan State. In at least one screenshot, a blue dot can be seen in a corner of the sunglasses, which social media has determined proves the glasses actually double as a video-taping device. Who am I to argue?
Anyway, I asked X/Twitter what the alleged sign-stealing caper should be nicknamed, and the wise guys and gals did not disappoint.
“Michigan Impossible,” by @BrentDavidJones, is my personal favorite.
Others included: “CSI: Ann Arbor,” (@KK22530), “Those who Cheat will be Champions” (CDubKY3), “KhakiGate” (@JordanFurbee), “Cheatsgate” (@BuckMichigan) and Spygate 2: Electric Bluegaloo.” (@GriffloLemon)
Wolverines fans may not find the jokes incredibly funny – though I’m sure some are snickering – preferring to wait until the NCAA or Big Ten or Michigan itself decides what, if any, punishment should be doled out.
My Michigan correspondent, Matt Stout, who works in the UM football press box during games, thinks little will come of the investigation, unless …
“They (NCAA) could make (Jim Harbaugh) an example,” Stout texted me. “There is no precedent for the new head coach rule, so that’s a wild card as to how the NCAA handles it.”
Stout was referencing the NCAA rule, established in 2021, that makes head coaches accountable for the actions of their staff, even if the coach was not personally aware of any monkey business.
“And the NCAA has an ax to grind with JH,” Stout wrote.
Otherwise, Stout thinks Michigan will escape severe punishment, based on the “rogue actor” defense. The way he sees it, and it appears UM is taking a similar tack, Stalions was working alone when he allegedly set up an elaborate spying scheme that included having friends/accomplices film the opposite sideline while attending games of future Michigan opponents.
“Assuming all you got is that Stalions went to a couple of games, as long as this isn’t tied to Harbaugh or other coaches on the staff, you have a minor violation,” Stout wrote. “And I have to assume the evidence isn’t tying JH or the rest of the staff to this. Otherwise, Michigan would not be proceeding with his contract extension. There’s my homer Michigan strategy and take.”
Stout, a Columbus attorney who wrestled at Michigan, signed off by making two things perfectly clear.
First, “Just so I don’t look like a complete homer, if Harbaugh knew or other members of the staff knew, then Michigan broke the rules and needs to be punished.”
Second, “One thing is for sure. If Michigan wins this year (against Ohio State), it will be because they cheated. If Michigan loses, they only won the last two years because they cheated. In the eyes of Buckeye fans.”
In 30 years of covering college football I thought I had seen it all. I was wrong. “Michigan Impossible” is off-the-charts crazy. All the usual suspects are present: conspiracy theories, arrogance, “proof” that is wishful thinking more than hard evidence. But then you add in the Central Michigan stuff and, well, you can’t make this stuff up. And it gets juicier by the day. What’s next? Stalions allegedly caught dressing up as a TV sideline reporter?
Oh, almost forgot. Stout tossed out one idea that is sure to rile Ohio State fans.
“Consider that Ryan Day probably talks to Urban on a regular basis on the best strategy to beat Michigan,” Stout wrote. “Remember when Urban proclaimed during the Fox pregame show last year that OSU would stop the Michigan run? Urban was at a lot of games watching Michigan last year. And he is conversing with Ryan Day on how to beat them. Rule violation? You have a non-staff member scouting in person for the benefit of OSU. … It’s not the same thing, but for purposes of the rule it is (because Stalions’ network of helpers were not UM staffers, either.)”
No matter where you fall on Cheatsgate, it’s a good bet the fun and games aren’t ending overnight. The NCAA, its power threatened and image damaged over the past decade, likely wants to show it still can deliver a punch that packs a wallop.
My take? The Wolverines are not out of the woods. And they better hope Stalions is a true Maize and BlutDot patriot who refuses to cooperate with the NCAA. Because he knows things. Allegedly and otherwise.
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This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: Michigan football controversy makes Hollywood look tame by comparison
