'No gifts, please!': The politics of throwing a present-free birthday party for your kid.

I thought designing the invitation for my daughter’s first birthday would be easy. I found a precious Winnie-the-Pooh template online and filled in the logistical date and time information, but my mouse hovered over the “add to cart” button. I was inviting everyone in my large extended family and a group of our closest friends, and my 11-month-old daughter — who was happy playing with tissue paper or a wooden spoon or even a piece of trash — didn’t need to receive 20 or more gifts. I wanted to add a phrase to the invitation that specifically told people not to bring presents, but I didn’t know how to say it politely. After an exhaustive internet search and multiple phone calls with friends who host parties frequently, I settled on the simple phrase “No gifts, please!” and hoped the use of an exclamation point would really drive the point home.

After one more kid and four more years of birthdays, I’m still using that phrase, and, for the most part, it works. My kids do not receive or open presents at their parties. This is a good thing. Obviously, it’s less consumeristic and more environmentally friendly, but not over-gifting kids has benefits for both them and their parents.

“Having so many gifts is not developmentally beneficial to a child,” Susan Newman, a social psychologist who has written more than 15 books in the relationship and parenting fields, tells Yahoo Life.

A 2017 study found that children play better if they have fewer toys. Also, childhood is a time when parents should be focused on making memories with their kids. Newman believes birthday parties are a good way to do this.

“Memories [have] more value than material gifts and what you’re trying to do even with the birthday parties is enlarge your child’s memory bank or fill your child’s memory bank with experiences," she explains.

Newman’s advice resonates with me. I remember all of the details my mom put into crafting my parties every year: the pony and petting zoo that appeared in the backyard, the huge glass jar filled with jellybeans for a counting contest (that my childhood friend who won still talks about), the hand-drawn Madeline-themed invitations placed in my classmates’ second-grade cubbies and even the decadent ice cream sundae bar assembled for my 17th. I can access details like this for almost every year of my life, but I don’t remember a single gift I received.

No-present parties are also easier for parents. On the gift-giving end, there’s no shopping or wrapping or time spent finding a meaningful gift for a child’s friend. On the receiving end, there is less clutter — less to unwrap and throw away, less to make room for on shelves and in toy trunks that are already overflowing, less to rotate and organize and clean up, less to donate or regift.

These benefits are especially important for women who take on most of these burdens, adding the category of “kid stuff” to their already overwhelming mental loads. From the physical time spent buying gifts to the time managing the new stuff that enters the household, “gift-giving has long been a part of women's work,” Melissa Milkie, professor of sociology at the University of Toronto and president of the Work & Family Researchers’ Network, tells Yahoo Life. While gift-giving can be an important way to maintain social bonds, it can also become “rote or ritual with less meaning attached, perhaps like at a large birthday party for a young child.” In this context, “more gift-giving and receiving may mean larger gender inequalities in the mental load.”

Melissa Corriveau, a former professional organizer and mom of three who runs the parenting and organization website Life with Less Mess, finds this to be true. “It's always me who has to deal with the stuff and make my kids clean it up and get mad at them when they don’t clean it up and me that declutters it and me that feels stressed when everything is out of control," she says.

Instituting no-present parties helped reduce the pressure she felt around her kids’ birthdays. And it's never too late for parents to jump on the no-presents bandwagon. Corriveau started throwing parties without gifts for her kids (12, 10 and 7) after the height of the pandemic. “It was the perfect timing because the kids hadn’t had a party in a while and were so wholly grateful to have their friends over that they didn’t miss the presents at all. It was just a reward to have friends," she says.

When changing party norms for older kids, Newman suggests parents have direct conversations about why the next birthday party will be different and explain why the family is forgoing gifts. Also, if a child really wants a specific item, Newman encourages them to ask a close family member like a grandparent or aunt or uncle. Or, instead of writing “no gifts” on the invitations, parents can throw a “fiver” party where the invitation requests guests to give $5 that the child can use to buy a more expensive, much-wanted item. Another option that can help kids, especially older ones, develop empathy is to have them pick a charity and ask for donations in lieu of gifts.

The challenge is that even if you support the benefits of no-present parties — whatever form it takes — the etiquette surrounding them can still be challenging. I’ve felt embarrassed walking into a party without a gift when the invitation said "no gifts," but most people still brought them. I’ve also felt awkward telling the people who love and support my kids that we don’t need birthday presents or Christmas presents or “stuff” in general because I don’t want to offend them or insult their generosity.

Navigating no-presents decorum became even murkier after The Cut released its viral etiquette rules this year and told readers that "even when a kids’ party says ‘no gifts,’ you’re supposed to bring a gift.” Erin Ryan, co-host of the Hysteria podcast and mom to an 18-month-old, finds this suggestion absurd and recently explained why in her Substack. Personally, Ryan requests no gifts for her daughter because she doesn’t have space for them, and she believes guests should take invitations at their word.

“If someone says they don’t want gifts they have a reason for saying it — they aren’t just trying to be coy,” Ryan tells Yahoo Life.

I agree, and hope other parents will do the same. Last month, I threw my son a “digger party” for his third birthday. On the construction-themed invitation, I included my go-to phrase: “No gifts, please!” I’m grateful the parents who attended took me at my word. The party was full of dirt and digging and smiles and cakes. No one, especially not my son, missed the presents. Instead, hopefully, he gained a memory.

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