Divorce is having a moment. And I wish it had happened 10 years ago

The word divorce seems to be everywhere lately. And while people have different reasons for ending their marriages, one motivation that’s dominating the cultural discussion right now is the exact reason I ended my own marriage over a decade ago: Women want to find happiness.

Last month, not one but two divorce memoirs hit bookshelves: Lyz Lenz’s “This American Ex-Wife” and Leslie Jamison’s “Splinters.” A week later, both books were so popular they landed on the New York Times Best Seller list.

As I read through social media comments and scroll through Goodreads reviews, I’m excited about the conversations women are having about reevaluating their relationships on their quests to live happier lives. I just wish these conversations had been happening 10 years ago, when I got divorced.

The shame and stigma that has clouded divorce used to keep the conversation behind closed doors. But when people started openly discussing their divorces, it paved the way for more people to write and talk about their experiences, explains Olivia Dreizen Howell, a certified life coach, divorce expert and the CEO/co-founder of Fresh Starts Registry, which helps people create gift registries for big life changes that aren’t weddings — like divorces.

“I truly think we cannot discuss the cultural shift in the way divorce is discussed without talking about the rise of social media, especially blogging and TikTok,” Dreizen Howell tells TODAY.com. “And right now is a hot moment in time for divorce, as we’re witnessing the intersection of women’s rights under attack, divorce becoming a very viable and not shameful option for women and families, and the platform of the internet.”

Sophie Cress, a licensed marriage and family therapist, agrees that the discussion surrounding divorce has changed over the last decade and is “now characterized by self-empowerment, self-discovery and a renewed sense of control.”

“A significant transformation in the conversation around divorce has been facilitated by social media and digital connectivity,” Cress tells TODAY.com. “The discussion around divorce used to be restricted and uncoordinated a decade ago. Today, however, platforms like Instagram, TikTok and Facebook have emerged as powerful agents of change, amplifying diverse perspectives and experiences.”

I got divorced in 2013 after a 13-year marriage to a man in the military. I was 37 years old, and as I found myself transitioning from life as a married woman in a big house with a fenced-in backyard to being a single mother with two young children in a small apartment, all I wanted was to not feel alone.

The physical aloneness didn’t bother me as much as the emotional. After all, as a military spouse I was physically alone for a large portion of my marriage. But even though I wanted the divorce, the roller coaster of emotions I experienced was jarring and lonely. At any given moment I was angry, then scared, then sad, then resentful, then looping back to angry. I only had one divorced friend and therefore no real way of comparing notes with other women to check if this was normal, if this was healthy, if this would pass.

And then there was the guilt. The guilt that I had blown up my life, my kids’ lives, to selfishly pursue personal happiness. The guilt that I changed back to my maiden name, triggered by that one divorced friend who told me in a judgmental tone that she would never do that to her kids because they had enough changes to deal with. (Spoiler: My kids, now 16 and 20, couldn’t care less that their last name isn’t the same as mine.)

On top of that, I had to answer all the questions from my married friends, most of whom seemed shocked by my divorce, including the question I most dreaded: “What happened?”

While I stood by my standard answer, “We drifted apart,” I think people expected to hear a dramatic timeline that ended with me as the victim of some horrible marital transgression. And even though it wasn’t really anyone else’s business, I made sure to anticipate the typical follow-up question and say that yes, we had tried counseling. Three separate attempts, in fact. I didn’t want people to think I had just given up. Back then, it didn’t occur to me to tell people the truth: I wasn’t happy, and I wanted more out of life than my marriage was giving me.

“The institution of marriage is so ingrained in our culture as the reason for our existence,” Dreizen Howell says. “Especially when we’re referring to heterosexual marriage, many people believe that the end result of life is to be married, even if that means you engage in a decades-long miserable marriage. However, there is no award at the end of a long and unhappy marriage.”

Dreizen Howell also thinks that younger generations of women are seeking therapy and mental health support and realize that they are worthy of a life of joy. “The cultural narrative about divorce is shifting to a more balanced and positive perspective — divorce is simply a life transition, and nothing you should be ashamed about — and this conversation has shifted in large part to the women writers telling their stories,” she adds.

The more I talked and wrote about my divorce, the more I realized I didn’t want to sugarcoat my reason for ending my marriage. Nothing catastrophic needed to happen. Being unhappy with a partner and the life you created together is a good enough reason to leave and start a new one.

“When we talk about the beginning of the end of a marriage, there is rarely just one moment that breaks everything apart.” Lyz Lenz, author of “This American Ex-Wife”, wrote in The Washington Post. “There are often several stressors, some small, some large, all building to the day that everything shatters.”

For me, it was a cumulative effect of years of feeling like being married was simply too much work for too little reward, that I wasn’t married to the man I thought I married, that I was exhausted and tired of feeling unappreciated, unseen and unloved the way I wanted to be loved.

It took me a long time to realize it was OK to verbalize these sentiments. And not only was it OK, but once I did verbalize these very valid reasons for divorce, I would discover other women who felt the same exact way.

“There is a growing trend of women initiating divorces because they refuse to settle for unhappiness,” Cress says. “Traditionally, women have been taught to prioritize the needs of their families over their own, but there is a shift happening. Women are increasingly asserting their right to pursue fulfillment and happiness in all aspects of their lives, including their marriages.”

As Cress notes, women have become pioneers in this discussion over the last decade.

“They are taking back control of their lives and changing the way they tell their stories, proving that divorce can be a trigger for self-improvement, confidence and ultimately, happiness,” Cress says.

Now a decade after I walked out of a courtroom a single woman with a last name I hadn’t used since before my wedding day, I can say with certainty that any hardship I stumbled upon on my path to post-divorce happiness was well worth it. As Lenz writes so wisely in her memoir, words I wish I could have read when I decided I was unwilling to waste another year in a miserable marriage, divorce “requires learning to reimagine happiness beyond what everyone told you it should look like.” And that’s exactly what I did.

So I say, bring on this cultural moment. Let’s keep this divorce conversation going. Let’s keep finding our happiness.

This article was originally published on TODAY.com