What’s the right age for drop-off playdates? One mom shares her ‘weird’ experience
When is a child ready for a drop-off playdate — or rather, when is a parent? Learn from one mom’s “weird” experience.
“At what age do moms not go to playdates anymore?” Aimee Sieh, 32, a mom in Arizona, asked in a TikTok video. “We had kind of a weird situation and I don’t know how to feel about it.”
Sieh recalled hosting a playdate for her 6-year-old son Tatum and a friend she called “Fred” for anonymity. Sieh assumed that Fred’s mother would stay for the playdate, but she did not. Additionally, the playdate lasted four hours, which is much longer than Sieh anticipated. Now, Sieh has questions about playdate etiquette.
According to Sieh, Fred’s mom requested a 1 p.m. playdate and Sieh offered to host, because she has a splash pad.
“Forty-five minutes before the playdate, I get a text (that says), ‘My mom, Fred’s grandma, is going to bring him instead,’” Sieh said in her video. “The grandma shows up — kinda just pulls up to the end of my driveway, hands me his swimsuit and is like, ‘OK, we’ll see you in a couple of hours.’”
Sieh was surprised.
“I don’t know these people,” she said. “I had never met them before. When I got that text, I thought the grandma was going to be staying, but now the grandma dropped him off and hasn’t even looked inside my house to check that we’re not complete weirdos.”
Sieh says she texted Fred’s mom a video of the kids playing happily in the water and didn’t hear back, for “hours and hours.”
At 5 p.m., Sieh sent the mom another text that read, “Hey, what time are you thinking? Still haven’t heard from you, do you want me to feed (Fred)?”
Fred’s mom replied that she would pick him up in 15 minutes, and she did.
“It’s just not how I expected the day to go,” Sieh said in her video, adding that she assumed Fred’s mom would stay for the playdate and that it would be shorter. “Maybe I’m just making a big deal out of it because I’m protective ‘mama bear,’ but I wouldn’t drop my 6-year-old at somebody’s house that I’ve never met before. Tell me if I’m overreacting.”
Many wouldn’t agree to a drop-off playdate at a totally unfamiliar home.
“In my experience, starting around age 5, the playdates become drop-off but often the parents will come in to make sure ... the kid is comfortable and then leave.”
“That’s wild. I would never drop my kids off with someone I’ve never even met.”
“Nope. My son is 11 and he’s not allowed in a house without me meeting the parents and getting to know them.”
“I’ve gone to people’s houses who expected me to drop off my daughter and I awkwardly stayed. They were uncomfortable but I’m not leaving my kids with someone I don’t know!”
“Six feels young ... especially for strangers.”
“Mom of a teen boy here. We still meet the parents and go out to dinner with them before he goes to someone’s house. I want to know who he’s hanging out with. It’s confusing when parents don’t care.”
“Still traumatized by my son’s kindergarten birthday party where all of the parents left except two, and I had 25 kids in a glow-in-the-dark bowling alley. I think it’s normal.”
Others liked drop-off playdates, stopping short of vague pick-up times. Multiple people suggested that if Fred has siblings, his parents might be busy and not so involved.
“Normal to me. But I would have discussed a pick-up time first. I would be more weirded out if the mom stayed and I had to awkwardly entertain her.”
“I don’t know. My (5 year old) goes to playdates on her own and her friends also come here without their parents. I thought around 5 was normal for that.”
“I drop my son off at the neighbor’s house to play with their kids all the time and he’s good without me. He’s 4.”
“We did our first drop-off in kindergarten. It was so weird. But with multiple children and a single parent’s time restraints, it became more necessary. But not with someone I’ve never talked to.”
“I don’t necessarily think it’s weird to drop your kid off. But certainly not without confirming first!”
“The drop-off feels totally normal. But leaving him there for four hours without a clear pick-up time does not.”
Sieh tells TODAY.com that she’s “pretty strict” about her son’s social circle, allowing playdates at the homes of his relatives or her own friends.
“I know their parenting style and what their homes are like,” she says. Sieh says she appreciates knowing information like if a family owns weapons, has a fenced-in pool or if kids have food allergies.
Sieh was disappointed that for a first-time playdate, Fred’s grandmother didn’t walk him inside, chat with her for a bit or clarify a pick-up time.
“It’s about communication,” says Sieh.
What’s the right age for drop-off playdates?
Every parent has a different view, but drop-off playdates often start in kindergarten around the ages of 5 or 6, according to Sheryl Ziegler, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “The Crucial Years: the essential guide to mental health and modern puberty in middle childhood (ages 6-12).”
For preschool-aged kids, playdates need extra supervision, often from both sets of parents, and they’re shorter, around two hours, says Ziegler.
“Once kids are in elementary school ... the assumption is, it’s a drop-off playdate unless explicitly stated otherwise,” Ziegler tells TODAY.com.
Parents usually stop arranging playdates when kids are in middle school (and the word “playdate” is replaced with “hang out”), says Ziegler, especially if kids have cell phones and can make plans with each other directly.
Ziegler says parents on either side of the playdate should use words like, “pick up” and “drop off” (and discuss start and end times). She says a parent who wants to socialize can either invite the other parent to stay or ask for help supervising.
Parents should tell the other family if they’re uncomfortable dropping their child off at their home. And if children don’t want to attend a playdate without their parent, don’t drop them off.
“Playdates should not feel ambiguous,” says Ziegler.
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
