It never occurred to me that I wouldn't 'do Santa' — until I had kids

On Christmas morning my brother and I would yell from the top of the stairs that we were awake. Moments later, my mom would appear in her pajamas. “Stay there,” she’d say as she wandered into the kitchen to call my dad, flipping on the lights, starting the coffee maker and filling a plate with her traditional jelly-filled shortbread cookies. Sitting side by side in our Christmas pajamas while we waited for our dad to drive over from his house, my brother and I listened to her movements convinced that Christmas Day would never actually begin. The minutes we had to wait were interminable; the pull to see what was under the tree was simply too strong to sit still. But we had to stay there. We would sit on the stairs until my dad arrived, until they told us together that it was time. In our divorced household, that was the tradition.

When I think about Santa Claus now, I don’t see the presents he left for me under the tree. Instead, I remember the ritual of waiting on the stairs with my brother, bouncing with impatience but also twinkling with the thrill of what was to come. I remember dashing down the stairs and past my parents who were holding their cups of coffee and smiling as they watched our first glimpses of the gifts under the tree. For me, the fullness of that moment was the magic that Santa left in his wake.

It also creates a nostalgic tie to Santa, and, as clinical child psychologist Tori Cordiano points out, my positive experience makes me more likely to incorporate Santa into the traditions of my own family, which I have.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that my husband and I wouldn’t “do Santa.” I never thought of Santa as a choice, but, after my daughter was born, I began to question my perspective. During those first few Decembers, I’d talk with other moms, and questions about Christmas and Santa would inevitably arise: How do you feel about Santa? Is he the equivalent of lying to your kids? How many gifts will he bring? What kinds of gifts will he bring? Have you heard about the "want, need, wear, read" idea? Did you see what (insert any person or influencer) is doing on Instagram or TikTok?

In addition to the pressures I felt from other parents and social media, my husband and I also began to wonder if Santa and the presents aspect of Christmas in general were beginning to conflict too much with our other values. Was it encouraging consumerism more than memory-making? Does the ecological cost outweigh the benefits? Or are we taking all of this too seriously? After all, how much does Santa really matter? Isn’t it just supposed to be fun?

As another Christmas approaches, I still don’t have answers for these questions. Partially because, Santa, like any parenting decision, is made even more difficult with an internet that’s quick to judge, troll, condemn and cancel. When deciding about everything from starting solids to sleep training to discipline, or, even Santa Claus, it’s hard to step back and see the details of a more nuanced picture. But, Cordiano encourages parents to do exactly that. There isn’t one right way to do things around the holidays, and every family should make the decision that feels the best for them. Most important, she tells Yahoo Life, “It is not more or less magical if you involve Santa in that or if you don’t.”

Some parents choose not to do Santa because they weren’t raised with the story themselves or don’t have positive memories of it as children. Others feel like it’s lying. Some see Santa as magical. For others, it connects them to their childhoods and the traditions of their families. There is no right answer.

Instead, what Cordiano wants parents to remember is that the holidays can be a stressful time, and we should avoid adding additional, undue expectations to parents’ already very full plates. “If you get into the spirit of Santa, and it fills your cup as a parent, great, but if it feels like an obligation and takes away from joy or connection, then you don’t have to fulfill it or can downplay it or keep it minimal,” she says.

However, if the reason parents aren’t doing Santa is because they are worried about the potential psychological impact on their child, they don’t need to be. “It goes along the lines of a very developmentally appropriate type of play and thinking that happens in early childhood, which is just magical thinking,” Cordiano says.

But, this doesn’t mean parents should or need to “do Santa.” “Not everybody likes to do make-believe with their kids, and that’s OK, but we still have to acknowledge make-believe is an important part of childhood,” Keneisha Sinclair-McBride, a clinical psychologist at Boston Children’s Hospital in Massachusetts, tells Yahoo Life. “Children believe in magic. Children are very whimsical. That’s natural. A lot of [Santa] traditions are leaning into that natural phase of childhood.”

Also, Sinclair-McBride thinks families’ different traditions are beneficial for kids. “The idea that families handle Santa and Christmas in different ways is a good example for kids of how families are diverse," she says.

Santa can also help children process growing up and the changes that occur over time because, eventually, they will stop believing. “Our goal as kids get older is to connect with the tradition and the values and the magic of the season in ways that are in line with their development,” Cordiano explains. “As you get older, you might move beyond Santa as the man in the red suit who comes down the chimney, but you can definitely still believe in the magic of the season and the idea of giving as an important value of this time of year.”

This progression also teaches kids that everything — including the way they celebrate holidays — will change, but it can still be positive and joyful. However, it’s also OK and can even be important for kids to grieve these changes. Both Cordiano and Sinclair-McBride encourage parents to — when the time comes— give their kids space to process that Santa isn’t real. They can sit with their kids in their sadness, answer questions and acknowledge that some kids will take this harder than others.

In the same way that many parents encourage their kids who no longer believe to not ruin other kids’ idea of Santa, it’s also important for adults to respect other families’ decisions, including families who never include Santa Claus in their holiday traditions. “Different doesn’t mean worse. It’s just a different way to experience joy,” Cordiano says.

This is what I remind myself as my husband and I begin to have the Santa conversation again: There is no right way to “do Santa.” Instead, this year, I want to remember how the magical thinking of Santa connects me to that little girl running down the stairs with her brother, and I want to find ways for the holiday to connect my kids to this moment in their childhood. For my family, that will probably involve Santa, but it might not. And, that’s OK. It can still be magical.