Never Buy These Useless Car Products
Tricked Out
Auto parts, accessories, and tire store revenues are expected to top $92 billion in sales this year, slow but steady growth that makes the sector a vital part of the economy — even if the goods sold in that corner of the market aren't always all that vital or even silly. We did a bit of browsing and found just a few dozen of the worst examples of car features, accessories, and other add-ons that are not only worthless to the driving experience, but are an outright waste of money.
Scissor Doors
There's a reason they call these Lambo doors: If you don't own a Lamborghini or similarly equipped supercar, there is no need for you to install them. They don't look as hot on a Chevy Silverado as you think they do.
Wings
If you aren't actually entering your car into a rally of some sort or didn't pay the price of a studio apartment in Monaco for a McLaren, don't even think of bolting a wing onto the back of your vehicle. It doesn't make your sedan look like a sports car. It makes it look as if it's driven by someone with some deep regrets.
Brake Caliper Covers
Performance cars will have big, beautiful brakes installed to actually enhance performance and handling. These brake ornaments can cost three figures and do nothing other than make it clear that you didn't spring for Brembo brakes.
Racing Seats
Are you taking your Toyota Camry out on the track anytime soon? Do you think your Ford Escape is going to beat someone off the line? No? Then don't go installing auto-racing hardware in a production vehicle. At best, you look like a moron. At worst, you're actually making yourself less safe.
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Fake Badges
Don't have a Mercedes-Benz AMG supercar, BMW M, or trail-rated SUV? Don't worry: You can just slap some fake emblems onto whatever downmarket hoopty you're driving and fool absolutely no one!
The Stick Family
In the '80s and '90s, we endured countless "Baby on Board" placards and their myriad novelty variations. Now, we're not only onto multiple versions of the stick-figure family — each keeping inventory of just how many children and pets you've compiled — but every satirical iteration that followed.
Related: 12 Ways to Stop Wasting Money on Your Car
Styling Bars
If you want your car to look like it has a roll bar, but don't want that roll bar to protect you in any way, you're looking for a styling bar. A dome light is just about the only thing that makes this practical, but a lot of styling bars just fall into the "making it look mean" category.
Body Kits
Body kits let you fabricate a dream machine that looks fast and furious, but still only has as much muscle as its four cylinders can pump out. Or, for the cost of a Pontiac Fiero, you can get (the look of) a Lamborghini Countach or Ferrari 360 with a kit car — basically car costumes that are far less expensive than the supercars they're emulating, but still cost about as much as a midsized sedan.
Fake Hood Scoops
Do you know why a hood scoop exists? Do you know why you'd want to increase your engine's air intake? Is your car turbocharged or supercharged? Even if the answer to any of these is yes, getting a bolt-on or adhesive hood scoop won't accomplish the same thing as having a real one. It'll just make your Dodge Neon look weird.
Related: Ugly Cars That Never Should Have Left the Assembly Line
Hitch Covers
So you were in the checkout line at the farm store, there, next to the jerky, sat a hitch cover that looked like a Claymore mine. Should you get it, or should you get one of the ones next to it that'll really own the libs? A tough decision, to be sure, but hurry up: Some of us have horse fencing to buy.
Hitch Safes
If only your vehicle was built with some sort of storage. If only you didn't have to keep your credit cards, cash and keys in a tiny lock box on the outside of your vehicle inside a part that is, itself, eminently stealable.
Headrest Hooks
"Oh, but you can hang your bags and your scarf and your …" I'm sorry, but are you driving a unicycle? If you're driving alone, you have lots of extra seating and hooks from which to hang things. If you're driving with others, nothing cramps a back seat quite like a pointy aftermarket hook holding a bag of stuff.
Headlight Eyelashes
There's an entire corner of the auto accessory industry built around the realization that the front of a car looks like a face. People who never quite get beyond that realization seem to do mainly two things with that information: Buy tickets to every movie in Pixar's "Cars" franchise and put "carlashes" on their vehicle.
Related: Cars No One Wanted to Buy
Reindeer Antlers
Consider these the holiday equivalent of carlashes. At one point, this may have seemed novel and clever, but at this point — with the antlers and red nose now mass marketed — it's just yet another way to phone in some holiday spirit.
Bullet Hole Stickers
What message are you trying to send here? That these bags of kiddie stickers somehow make you a tough guy?
Spinner Hubcaps
Spinning rims had their big moment in the '90s and early 2000s, but there are still enough knockoff spinner hubcaps out there to make you shake your head at the occasional traffic light.
Moisture-Sensing Wipers
Consumer Reports likes that some rain-sensing wipers will change intensity along with the rain. But CarsParts.com notes how they can be a dodgy feature, mostly because they can come on when there's absolutely no rain.
Neck Heater
Mercedes-Benz offers Airscarf technology in its convertibles, seemingly to combat the rampant neck frostbite that occurs from driving a convertible in winter. Not only is this a tremendous waste of energy, but the Airscarf was banned in Mercedes' home market in Germany because of patent issues.
Car Door Storage
Know what makes your ride a whole lot more comfortable? A giant caddy jabbing you in the side at every turn. Despite automakers adding cargo space to almost every corner of the car, there are still people who insist on giving their vehicle the California Closets treatment.
Sun Visor Storage
We let this go when it was just CD storage, but the fact that people are trying to cram a small desk's worth of pens, stationery, cords, glasses, and far more distracting items into their sun visor suggests imminent disaster.
Rearview Smartphone Holder
Distracting? There's nothing distracting about this. Not at all. How would a smartphone hanging directly within your field of vision be considered distracting?
Cupholder Storage
If automakers listened to some drivers, the inside of cars would be nothing but slots, pockets, nooks, and crannies. Right now those drivers are spending aftermarket money to make existing cupholders slightly larger and more complicated.
Espresso Machine
From the "just as good" school of coffee making comes the handheld espresso machines that give all the hassle of making small cups of espresso in the car, while providing none of the convenience of a drive-thru window or cup with a lid on it.
Smartphone Dashboard Pad
At best, you're sticking your phone to your dashboard and leaving adhesive on your phone and the dash. At worst, you're pulling over every five minutes because the pad has lost its grip and a smartphone costing hundreds of dollars is rattling around your vehicle's foot well.
Wheel Lights
These cheap lights are not only gaudy, but they're 100% illegal in some areas. Make your wheels glow at your own peril.
Neon Lights
It's not just for wheels: Generations have tried to make their cars look like they're floating by adding neon or LED lighting to them. With each ensuing generation of this kind of illumination, it just looks less impressive, and the law has some concerns as well.
Car Stache
Until Lyft came to its senses, its drivers had to affix these abominations to their vehicles. The last in the "my car has a face" school of auto accessories, the car stache lost much of its appeal when Lyft dropped it and now sits amid the dregs of automotive novelties. Mercifully, they are currently unavailable on Amazon.
Antenna Toppers
Even as automakers continue to shift away from traditional radio antennas, tchotchke manufacturers continue to churn out tons of toppers for older models. They don't signify the driver's personal style so much as their disrespect for radio equipment.
Engine Sound Generators
Among the many automotive lies a driver can buy, these engine sound "enhancers" claim to make an electric car sound like a piece of '70s automotive muscle. Buyers of these devices shouldn't feel so ashamed: Automakers use them, too.
Shift Knobs
You can replace the top of your gear shift with an eyeball, pool ball, dice cube, or naked lady figurine. Outside of the rockabilly community, custom shift knobs just come off as sad.
Car Bras
The funny thing about these front-end wraps is that the folks using them to make their cars look "sporty" or "mean" claim they're protecting the vehicle from debris, bumper taps, and other scratches. But if you live anywhere with regular rainfall, that moisture will get in your car bra, crack the clear coat, and make paint bubble up. Oh, and after a visit to a local Safelite repair station where a technician pulled a dead mouse and about five years' worth of silt out, we can't recommend keeping car bras on permanently.
Whistle Tips
Before they were a meme, whistle tips were just a really annoying way of making your exhaust louder. More than a decade later, they still are. Once confined to the Bay Area, they're now available pretty much anywhere.
Fake Hood Pins
Yes, certain race cars need to have their hoods held on with pins. Sticking these fake adhesive pins to your Mustang, Camaro, Charger, or even Civic isn't fooling anyone, though. You'll be lucky if they don't mess up your paint.
Bolt-on Exhaust Tips
Get the look of an open exhaust with absolutely none of its benefits! These don't make your car any louder or help it perform better. The only thing they do is jut out awkwardly from your muffler and let everybody know you're a poseur.
Fast-Food Tray
Dude, if you're eating enough fast food in your car to warrant a tray for your meals, reconsider your life choices. Having a foldable, steering wheel mounted, or swivel tray in your car strictly for meals is saying terrible things about your diet and work-life balance.
Fake Wood Grain
Please learn what automakers learned during the station wagon/minivan era: Fake wood looks awful on vehicles. There are folks who'll paint woodgrain onto early 20th century automobiles, but if you're adding it with the help of adhesives to any car built in the 2000s, you aren't doing you or your car any favors.
Fake Carbon Fiber
Oh, so you didn't pay six figures for your car, but it's miraculously ensconced in lightweight, performance-enhancing carbon fiber? Yeah, no. Carbon fiber film wrap is just a good way to make a Camry look really dumb. The tuners know it's a cheap alternative to real carbon fiber, but they also know the difference between the two.
Doggie Car Seat
If it looks like a glorified dog bed with a leash attached, it's little more than an accessory that isn't helping you or your dog. If it's a full harness or a booster that comes with a harness, it's actually a pet safety device that you should consider using.
Tablet Holder
Are you an Uber or Lyft driver? Have a Tesla? No? Then there's no reason for you to have a large screen pointed directly at you at all times. Whether it's in the CD slot or cupholder, a tablet holder is a giant distraction when you aren't using it.
Steering Lights
Also known as adaptive headlights, these lights are a feature in several vehicles but don't perform their most basic function: better illuminating the road. If you're concerned about your field of vision while steering, consider upgrading your headlights instead.
Motorized Rearview
Mercedes and Tesla, among others, have dabbled with motorized rearview mirrors that remember their last position, but the folks at Popular Mechanics suggest that manually adjusting a mirror right after getting into any car is just good practice.
Dedicated Navigation Devices
No, you don't need yet another screen just for your car. Those Garmin and TomTom devices came in handy more than a decade ago and are still worth getting for long trips into lightly charted territory, but just about everyone has a smartphone now or a GPS built into their car. There are myriad free GPS offerings, and all operate through voice commands.
Steering Wheel Covers
If you're getting a printed steering wheel cover, it isn't to protect your hands from the hot summer sun or the chill of winter: It's to play dress-up. While cute, a monster steering wheel cover serves no practical purpose.
Car Air Mattress
If you're going to camp, camp. Don't pretend that a thin air mattress is going to be all that more comfortable than your car's upholstery, or that your car is going to be any more comfortable than a simple tent with a better air mattress in it.
This article was originally published on Cheapism
