The Most Common Sexual Fantasies and How to Fulfill Them, Per Sex Experts
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Whether we want to admit it or not, most everyone has had at least one sexual fantasy—and contrary to what societal norms say, the imagination game is routine human behavior. “Sexual fantasies are as normal as breathing for most adults,” explains Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, a sex-positive, ethical porn platform made from a woman’s point of view. “They are an integral part of how we navigate our sexual desires—regardless of whether we happen to be single or partnered.”
With that being said, Jamie Schenk DeWitt, M.A., L.M.F.T., a licensed marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles adds that a little spicy daydreaming is totally normal. “Fantasizing about sex can be a fun and exciting escape during an otherwise dull and ordinary day,” she says.
Below, experts explain what a sexual fantasy is, the most common ones people have, and how to safely carry out those scenarios—if given the right time, place, and enthusiastic consent.
What is considered a sexual fantasy?
A sexual fantasy is exactly what it sounds like—a mental image or dreamed-up situation that turns you on. Some might be acted out, while others may solely be for your own imaginative safe-keeping. “Sometimes a fantasy is intended to remain exactly that—a fantasy,” explains Rowntree. “Just because you fantasize about an office quickie, a threesome, or sex with a celebrity, that doesn’t necessarily mean you want it to happen in real life—and that’s OK.”
It may sound like a silly comparison, but just like the dragons tales and magic of the fantasy genre, sexual stories can exhilarating—even if they aren’t realized. “For fantasies that are achievable, it gives you the opportunity to think about what you would enjoy, want to try, and experience differently, safely, and consensually with your partner,” adds DeWitt. “Like any adventure, it can be a new and exciting experience that opens your eyes to other possibilities and shakes up your ordinary routine. It never hurts to try something new.”
Common sexual fantasies
When it comes to sexual fantasies, the realm of possibilities is essentially limitless. Here are a few of the most common:
Role play
Stepping into a new identity can bring a bedroom experience to new heights. This might involve dressing up, but it doesn’t have to. “It’s really only limited by your imagination,” says Rowntree. A few examples that she often fields content requests for are scenes between a princess and pirate, a secretary and her boss, and a boss lady with her hunky new hire.
Threesomes or “moresomes”
Multi-partnered sex—be it between a couple and singles, multiple couples, or a group of singles—is becoming increasingly common, and the little research that exists about it has found it to harbor positive experiences. “Having this fantasy does not mean that you aren’t satisfied with your partner, or that they aren’t ‘enough,’” says Rowntree. “It is also normal for otherwise heterosexually-identifying men and women to experience bisexual fantasies—especially in the context of a threesome shared with a partner.”
It’s also common to enjoy thinking about it, but not feel comfortable with following through. “However, if you do want to explore this in real life, be sure you and your partner are both in agreement and communicate extensively when it comes to boundaries, safer sex practices, and what you both hope to get from the experience,” Rowntree says.
BDSM
BDSM—which stands for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism—at its core, represents an erotic power exchange between partners. It could look like 50 Shades of Grey with handcuffs, leather harnesses, rope play, and whips, but it could also be as simple as an otherwise submissive person taking on dominant behavior in bed, or vise-versa.
“There is a wide range of how it is expressed,” says Rowntree. Some people really crave the “leather and spankings motif,” she explains, but others simply love seeing an otherwise “vanilla” scene in which one partner dominates the other “to pleasurable ends for them both.” One study published in 2019 found BDSM-related fantasies to be common in 40 to 70% of both men and women.
Exhibitionism and voyeurism
Exhibitionism refers to the idea of being watched during sex, typically by a third party, whereas a voyeur is a watcher of the exchange. Rowntree says these are “popular” fantasies—and research confirms that. A recent study from The Journal of Sex Research found that 46% of survey participants dug the idea of watching people get it on. And a specific type of voyeurism known as cuckolding—where a person gets off on watching their partner have sex with someone else—is particularly popular. For Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help Improve Your Sex Life, he conducted a survey and found that 58% of men fantasized about taking part.
Public or risky sex
It’s all about the adrenaline rush. “Sneaky sex or indulging in sex where there’s at least some risk of getting caught gets many people hot under the collar,” says Rowsey. And although it sounds thrilling, she cautions hopefuls to tread lightly. “In real life, your mileage here may vary—so always use your best judgment and discretion,” she says. For example, instead of chancing getting frisky at the office, she recommends taking a long lunch with your partner and booking a hotel room down the street.
Sensory play
“Versatile enough for both kinky and vanilla scenarios, sensory play is exactly as described: an activity that stimulates or ignites our senses—whether it’s touch, sight, hearing, smell or taste,” Rowsey explains. “In a sexual context, sensory play could run the gamut from tickling your partner with a feather to an erotic massage, feeding your partner or licking whipped cream off them, whispering into their ear, wearing provocative lingerie or footwear, or indulging in a scented bubble bath together.”
On the flip side, there’s also the fantasy of sensory deprivation, in which a person is blindfolded and wears headphones or earplugs to be (consensually) at the mercy of their partner—talk about the element of surprise!
Anal sex
Anal sex can be a pleasurable experience for people of all genders and sexualities, despite the cultural taboos attached to it. That said, if you’ve never partaken in anal play, it’s totally normal to be curious about it. Just know that slow and steady wins the race—with the help of a good anal lube, of course.
Pegging
Pegging is where a person with a vulva wears a strap-on to have sex with a partner—it’s a play on power dynamics and gender roles that some people are intrigued by. Finding the toys that are most comfortable for all parties can be a challenge, though—it’s all about communication, trial, and error.
Sex tape
For as popular as pornography is, and with the growing success of platforms like OnlyFans, it’s only natural to fantasize about being in front of the camera. If the urge is there, you can film your adventures without posting them publicly—think of them as a treat for you and your partner to enjoy after yelling, “Cut!”
Toy time
Almost any fantasy could also potentially involve the use of sex toys—there are so many different types that serve different pleasure purposes, from egg vibrators to rabbits to various sex toys for men. It’s common to be curious about the tools you could take to the bedroom, or how you could expand your arsenal.
How to safely fulfill your fantasies
First things first: Discuss the fantasy with your partner with full transparency, and then find out if the interest is mutual, suggests Rowsey. “If they aren’t interested, don’t push them,” she adds. “If they seem unsure, then don’t push—but continue having the conversation and sharing openly with each other and see where that takes you.”
If you get the green light, that doesn’t necessarily mean all systems are a go. Next comes negotiating boundaries, terms, consent, “and anything else that ensures your partner always feels safe and respected,” Rowsey adds. “The most important ingredient for good sex is good communication, which should occur before, during, and after the sex.”
Then, there are, you know, legal obligations. “You should never break the law, violate anyone’s boundaries, or risk your career, reputation, family, or your relationship just for a temporary sexual thrill,” says Rowsey. “If you find yourself struggling with your sexual behavior, seek appropriate help from a therapist or other medical practitioner.”
As for the actual carrying out of the fantasy, it’s simple: “Let yourself play, relax, and enjoy the fruits of your mental and physical labor,” says DeWitt. And when it’s all said and done, don’t be too hard on yourself about its Blockbuster movie potential, or lack thereof.
“Be prepared to manage your expectations,” DeWitt adds. “The realization of your fantasy not quite living up to what played out in your head can lead to frustration. Chalk it up to experience, adventure, and not being afraid of disappointment. Keep trying and keep fantasizing. Hopefully, you’ll come up with something that is as fun in real life as it is in your mind.”
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