Michael Pulley: Grits, alcohol-free whiskey and other nonsense

A friend asked, “Do you like grits?”

Thinking that over, I recalled my first taste when visiting a friend in Mississippi whose mother, the archetypal Southern hostess, served homemade biscuits for breakfast with eggs, bacon and grits. A Midwesterner, not knowing what to do, I saw people around the table lace them with butter, salt and pepper, which I also did. The butter added taste, the salt and pepper a fine accompaniment, but I couldn’t taste the grits at all. I discovered they’re a pleasing vehicle for butter, salt and pepper.

Someone recently asked me, “Are you gluten free?”

“No,” I answered emphatically. “I enjoy it tremendously in bread, granola, chow mein noodles and especially my ever-lovin' pastries.” But what does gluten taste like by itself? Can you buy it in packets like yeast? Not sure.

I heard someone say she went on a carb-free diet. I wonder what carbs taste like — maybe a lot like pasta, potatoes, even ice cream and cookies. But a straight carb? Never had one. Could be like grits and gluten — tasteless.

I’m wondering if gluten and carbs are really there at all, but merely something dieticians and exercise physiologists conjure up to keep their jobs. Are we being messed with, sold a bill of goods?

Years ago, my brother Jim and I, for the fun of it, started thinking of ridiculous inventions, like luminous sundials that glow in the dark. That was a pretty good one. Then we thought of diet beer. Now THAT was hilarious. Not long after, light beer came on the market. The laugh’s on us.

But really — diet beer?

Here’s one: How about non-flammable gasoline? Everyone knows that stuff can explode — people could get hurt!

Let’s try tennis with no net — the damned thing keeps getting in the way. A hazard. (My thanks to Robert Frost who jabbed his poet-nemesis Carl Sandburg by saying writing free verse was like playing tennis with no net.)

Playing golf using pool cues. Someone on the tee could get smacked upside the melon with a club’s backswing. (Case in point: Once I bloodied my neighbor’s forehead with a wild golf swing, and he chased me around the neighborhood, then bloodied me. No such problems with pool cues.)

Alcohol-free whiskey? I googled it and surprisingly discovered it's available everywhere! I count that as a good thing, with late night bar-goers saving millions on cab fares, not to mention cutting down on stupid pick-up lines women don’t need to endure anymore.

Safe sex: Making love in bib overalls, orange hunting vests and camouflaged caps. Ugly, completely non-erotic — who’d want to fumble with all those metal buttons and straps anyway?

The world is full of stupidity, silliness, danger everywhere. Before you know it, we might elect a president who ... well, I’ll not go there now. But it's worth thinking about.

Back to grits. The sound of the word reminds me of pulverized gravel. But maybe I’m being unfair. My research reveals plenty of active carbs in grits, but no gluten. Lo and behold, whiskey contains no gluten! I might develop a taste for those grits when doctored up with my Jim Beam. Now, there’s a game changer. Grits and Beam once a day. And gluten-free. Nothing silly about that.

Michael Pulley lives in Springfield. He can be reached at mpulley634@gmail.com.

This article originally appeared on Springfield News-Leader: Michael Pulley: Grits, diet beer and other silly things