If Your Partner Suddenly Starts Showering You With Gifts, It May Be A Red Flag
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To different people—and within the contexts of different relationships—different quirks, compatibility issues, and mishaps can be relationship red flags. For one person, it might be a huge red flag if their S.O. is horrible at texting back on time, whereas that might be NBD for someone else. Maybe it's even a red flag if your partner hates cats, or struggles a bit with their work-life balance. Basically, much like green flags, red flags can be personal.
But there are some red flags that should never be ignored. Abusive and controlling behavior is a red flag in any relationship structure, says Callisto Adams, PhD, dating and relationship expert and coach and founder of HeTexted.com. She says being cautious (not paranoid), and trusting your gut feeling and instincts is key to spotting a red flag. "It saves you time, tears, and experiences that won’t feel good when you look back at them," she adds.
And then, there are the red flags like constant miscommunication, jealousy, or your partner taking you for granted. These don't always necessarily mean that a relationship is doomed—but just recognizing these flags is the first step to repairing your relationship before the issues escalate.
Ahead, discover the signs experts say most commonly indicate your 'ship is heading for some rough waters, exactly how to address red flags as they emerge, and how to know when it's time to cut and run so you can save yourself some heartache.
Meet the Experts:
Callisto Adams, PhD, is the founder of HeTexted.com and a dating and relationship expert and coach.
Rebekah Montgomery, PhD, is a clinical psychologist with a private practice in Washington D.C. that specializes in relationships.
Terri Orbuch, PhD, is a professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great.
Dr. Jane Greer, PhD, is a New York-based marriage and relationship therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship.
Dr. Lillian Glass, PhD, is a communication expert and the author of He Says, She Says: Closing the Communications Gap Between the Sexes.
Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, is a psychotherapist and founder of Shame Free Therapy based in New York.
Amy D. Marshall, PhD is a professor and director of graduate studies in the Department of Psychology at Pennsylvania State University, and the director of the Relationships and Stress Lab.
Tamekis Williams, LCSW, CCTP is a licensed clinical social worker, the founder of Real Life Solutions in Douglasville, Georgia, and the author of Consciously Choosing Me: A Therapy Companion Workbook and Journal.
Diana T. Sanchez, PhD is a professor and chair in the department of psychology at Rutgers University.
What is a relationship red flag?
Some red flags can vary from person to person, but a blanket understanding of what they are can be helpful if or when they crop up in your love life. "Red flags represent the early warnings of unhealthy traits that could potentially be damaging to the person or people involved in the relationship," says Adams. "They’re tiny signals that make that inner voice say, 'There’s definitely something off.'"
There are also yellow flags, which are "more of a warning sign that an issue may develop from a difference, difficulty, or area of struggle," says Adams.
A yellow flag might be that someone you're dating isn't available to spend enough time with you, says Rebekah Montgomery, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Washington D.C. who specializes in relationships. This could be a more circumstantial situation (e.g. they're burning the midnight oil to nab a job promotion) or turn into a longer-term issue that signals they can't make you or the relationship a priority.
"Identifying yellow flags is important... [so] you don't feel blindsided if things don't work out," she explains. "But you also don't have to feel as though every area of difficulty means you should end it with someone."
What are the most common red flags in relationships?
Aside from the universal red flags that live in the realm of abuse, toxic and/or controlling behavior, and invasions of privacy, a red flag is usually subjective, says Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT, a psychotherapist and founder of Shame Free Therapy.
For some people, that can look like wanting or not wanting a monogamous relationship, children, et cetera. But it's worth noting that one person's red flag could be a green flag for someone else.
"While much of society subscribes to the relationship escalator, we tend to assume everyone does, which is simply not true," explains Wright. "So, usually, when the term 'red flag' is used, it’s describing an alert that this person isn’t going to be a good fit for the role in your life that you’re trying to fill or cast."
That said, some red flags are non-negotiable, or issues that you should at least attempt to work through with your partner and/or a therapist. Here are 20 of those red flags that you should watch out for, and expert tips on how best to address them.
1. You argue about everything.
Disagreements and disputes are normal in a relationship. However, if you can't remember the last time you went a week without bickering, signs point to a red flag—even if those fights feel, well, petty. “The impact of criticism, insensitivity, and arguments accumulate over time, leading to the deterioration of a relationship if such interaction patterns don’t turn around,” says Amy D. Marshall, PhD, a professor and director of graduate studies in the Department of Psychology at The Pennsylvania State University and director of The Relationships and Stress Lab.
To turn things around, Marshall suggests choosing the relationship over “more minor concerns, and engage in positive relationship-building acts even when not fully motivated to do so.” So, this red flag is fixable! If you're both willing to work on it.
2. There are sustained difficulties in your sexual relationship...
...And you’re not talking about it. At all. Or, if you are, it’s just in passing as a joke and not getting the actual attention the lack of time you’re spending between the sheets deserves. "There will always be ebbs and flows with sexual connection, but if you can't talk about it, and it becomes chronic, it can really harm the relationship," says Montgomery.
All relationships have difficult periods, she emphasizes. A sexual rut itself isn't a huge red flag. But the critical piece is: Can you openly discuss it? "Does the other person care about your perspective, share their feelings, and want to address your concerns?" she adds.
3. You stop doing the little 'just because' gestures that show your partner you love them.
It doesn't take a relationship expert to figure out that saying "I love you" regularly and then stopping out of nowhere is a warning sign. But if you used to bring your S.O. something from your coffee run just 'cause—and now you don't—that can be just as worrisome, says Terri Orbuch, PhD, a professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great. Ditto if your partner used to do little lovey dovey things, like text you sweet messages and cute throwback pics, and now doesn't.
That's because couples express love and affection with their actions just as much as they do by saying the "L" word, explains Orbuch. So if showing your partner you love them isn't as top of mind for you lately, you might need to do some soul searching and think about why.
4. You don’t tell them about that awesome thing that just happened at work.
Sure, it might not seem like a big deal if you don’t immediately run to tell your partner when your boss gives you extra kudos. But if you notice that tendency to confide in other people first—and maybe even skip your S.O. altogether—becomes a pattern, it could be a warning that you don’t feel supported in your relationship, says Orbuch.
It’s a similarly bad sign if you find out that your partner isn’t filling you in on what’s going on in their life. "One of the ways partners bond and become close with each other is to share personal, often confidential, information with each other," says Orbuch. So if you’re not doing that, well...
5. You don't want to introduce each other to your inner circles.
There's a reason that first meeting with your parents is such a big deal: It helps give your partner a sense of your past and a deeper connection to your life, says Orbuch. While no one expects you to go on a double date with your brother before you've "defined the relationship," if you find yourself preventing run-ins between your close friends and your significant other, that's a problem.
If the situation is flipped, and your partner won't introduce you to anyone in their life, it could be a sign that heartbreak is on the horizon.
6. One of you switches from saying 'we' to 'I.'
As much as you might roll your eyes when your friend starts dating someone new and turns into a "we" person, there’s a perfectly good reason this happens, says Orbuch. It’s a sign that a couple see their lives as intertwined and considers themselves on the same team.
If you or your partner have crossed that relationship milestone of using the "W" word—but then you notice that stops—it’s an indication that the person with the change of lingo may be having a change of heart, too.
7. They're tight-lipped about past relationships.
Remember, sharing personal information with each other creates a tight bond, according to Orbuch. So, if you ask your partner about their ex or something similarly personal—say, what they envision for your joint future—and they brush off your questions, it could be because they don’t see your relationship as being that serious.
Granted, that's not necessarily a reflection on you—they just might not be ready for a long-term, committed relationship. But if you are, it’s better that you catch on ASAP.
FYI: A ton of people lie to their partners about their past sexual relationships:
8. You don’t consult each other before making big decisions.
When someone sees their relationship as serious, they tend to consult their partner before making major moves in life, says Orbuch. It’s not about approval, but a sign that they want to make choices together—and that they see a shared future with you.
But if you keep something, like the fact that you’re looking for a new job, from your partner, it could mean they’re not a priority for you.
9. They have a lot of solo plans.
In healthy relationships, couples don’t do everything together. But if your partner is headed to a party and they don’t even give you a heads-up and normally would, there could be something going on, says Jane Greer, PhD, a New York-based marriage and relationship therapist and author of What About Me? Stop Selfishness From Ruining Your Relationship. At best, failing to include you was an oversight. But it could be another indication that they don't feel comfortable letting you spend time with their friends or family.
And if the tables are turned and you find yourself enjoying time away from your partner more than you do with them, that's a pretty good clue that it's time to cut 'em loose.
10. You stop seeing their quirks as charming.
If minor habits you used to be indifferent to—or even found endearing—start annoying you, Greer says this means you’re losing patience with the relationship. You might say you've got the ick.
Accepting your partner (loud phone voice and all), is key to a healthy relationship. So if you find yourself losing your temper over little things, you might want to consider whether the dirty dishes are the actual reason you’re angry... or if it’s because you don’t want to be with your S.O. anymore.
11. They’re suddenly showering you with gifts and attention.
"A partner who is suddenly much more attentive and complimentary or who starts buying you gifts for no reason may be feeling guilty about something," Greer says.
Coming home to prepared dinners when that isn’t the norm could be a clue they're keeping something from you—and they're overcompensating by fawning over you. Granted, a nice gesture in isolation is nothing to freak out over. But if it coincides with other warning signs, that's when it might mean something's up, says Greer.
12. They project their stress onto you.
There’s no doubt that life can get stressful, but knowing how to manage your stress can go a long way. If your partner is letting their stress “spill over into the relationship,” it can lead to greater conflict, says Marshall. “If your partner is experiencing elevated stress, especially across a wide variety of domains, they may not have the attention, focus, and energy needed to keep a relationship going,” she continues. It might even be a sign that they view your relationship as a source of stress.
On the flip side, if you find yourself becoming more agitated by your partner during stressful times, it might be time for you to relieve your stress.
13. They start putting you down.
This one may seem obvious, but it's worth saying—mostly because you definitely deserve better than a partner who's emotionally immature enough to create distance by criticizing you.
"The goal here is to make you feel bad and get you to back off, so they don't have to break things off themselves," Greer explains. This tactic is designed to make you feel so bad about yourself and the relationship, so you’ll call it quits and do the hard work for them. Or, on the flip side, it might also be a sign that they're trying to erode your sense of self-worth and keep you from realizing you deserve better, Marshall adds.
PSA: You do deserve better. If your partner's insulting and criticizing you, it's time to go.
14. There’s a change in how your partner spends money.
If your S.O. suddenly starts splurging and that's totally out of character for them, they might be dealing with some emotions or stressors they’re not telling you about. Even if it's unrelated to you and your relationship—like the loss of a job or a bad investment—not sharing the reason behind their impromptu shopping sprees could mean that your partner doesn't feel comfortable telling you the truth. And that's not a great sign.
Similarly, if your partner is suddenly stingy or strict about how you (or they) spend money, Greer says, it's another tip-off of insecurity in the relationship.
15. There's a lack of communication.
Communication is at the core of a strong relationship. The lack of it can look like “a person who can’t communicate their own needs or someone who doesn’t know how to go deep in communication,” says Tamekis Williams, LCSW, CCTP, founder of Real Life Solutions in Douglasville, Georgia, and the author of Consciously Choosing Me: A Therapy Companion Workbook and Journal.
Luckily, communication skills can be learned. “Most couples argue on the surface when in actuality, they need to be communicating at the root, which is their emotions,” says Williams. Telling your partner how you feel using “I” statements can let the other person know how you’re feeling rather than blaming or threatening them.
It’s also important to note that there are extremely toxic ways to communicate with your partner. Arguments and conversations should never devolve into verbal abuse, e.g. gaslighting, cursing at, or insulting your partner. If your S.O. is doing these things—or giving you the silent treatment as a “punishment”—it’s time to call it quits, or get help from a therapist.
16. You switch up your style.
Have you started adopting your partner’s style of dress or found yourself doing your hair in ways you know they like, but you don't love? This may be a red flag that you're losing sight of yourself in the relationship, says Lillian Glass, PhD, author of He Says, She Says: Closing the Communications Gap Between the Sexes. Take a step back and ask yourself if you're giving more than your partner is—and be honest. If you are, this imbalance is a sign that you guys will have to recalibrate or call it quits, says Glass.
17. They're frequently jealous.
As the Shakespearean saying goes, “Jealousy; it is the green-eyed monster.” A little jealousy is natural, but if it’s a recurring issue in your relationship, your partner might have prior insecurities or an anxious attachment style. If you or they have been cheated on in the past, there may be open wounds that need time to heal.
Recognizing the root cause of the green-eyed monster is the first step to a healthier relationship. Without addressing the feelings behind jealousy, it can turn you against each other, and “escalate to possessiveness,” Williams says. If your partner tries to dictate who you see, what you do, or even how you spend your money—that’s controlling behavior, according to Williams, a.k.a. a huge red flag.
18. Their body language gets...different.
Sure, something like a stressful week could have your partner more fidgety than normal. But differences in your partner’s mannerisms could also indicate that they're less comfortable in the relationship, says Glass. Something as simple as an eye roll, or avoiding eye contact—if it happens several times—can be a relationship red flag, she notes.
Do they seem to be using more agitated gestures than normal? Feel free to ask if something is up with your S.O. to try to head off issues before they become any bigger.
19. They're not willing to compromise.
You might have some lovably stubborn friends or coworkers who aren't great team players, but when it comes to romantic partners, the ability to compromise is key. This means considering the other person’s needs and wants, even when they aren’t exactly the same as your own. If your partner is refusing to compromise or even have an open discussion about your differences, that’s a red flag, according to Williams.
Talking about something you disagree on with your partner can allow you to see the other’s perspective and find a middle ground. “A partner means you’re working together as a team,” Williams says. Without compromises, “it’ll be hard to have a level of mutual respect.”
20. You are their everything.
While it might sound nice to be "everything" to someone, it can actually be a huge red flag, says Diana T. Sanchez, PhD, professor and chair of the Department of Psychology at Rutgers University. Your partner should have a support system that extends beyond you—and you should have more people to rely on besides your S.O. No, that doesn't mean you should keep your struggles from your partner, but you shouldn't use them as your one source of support and advice.
If you find yourself falling into this trap, Dr. Sanchez recommends honing your friend-making skills and building a complex social network that supports you. “It’s healthy to have other important, meaningful relationships,” she says. “Your partner should be a part of the network, but they shouldn’t be your sun and moon, despite what people might think.”
You should be there for them, and vice versa, but if they rely on your help for everything, it might be a sign that they are codependent.
How can you address red flags if/when they arise?
The first step in taking action is noticing the red flag (something you're likely already doing since you're reading this!) and knowing when it's time to walk away. To help you make that decision, take stock of your deal breakers, goals, and future plans, recommends Wright. It may even be helpful to write them down because seeing your non-negotiables in black and white can help reaffirm their importance to you. From there, you can ask your partner direct questions to get a good idea of whether or not you align.
The second step: Look for those previously-mentioned objective or universal red flags in your relationship. Wright notes that you're likely to notice them "when you feel berated, insecure, insane, hurt often, confused, or violated."
Finally, if you and your partner are misaligned or there's an objective red flag in the picture, try to have a conversation to make sure you're reading the situation correctly. However, if that's an unsafe option because your partner is abusive or manipulative, it's best to leave or speak with a therapist that can help you create an escape plan.
To begin this tough conversation, express your worries and ask your partner how they feel about the situation, advises Montgomery. For example, you might say something like, "I feel worried that we don't spend enough time together. Do you feel like we get enough quality time?" or "I'm worried we haven't had sex in a while. I know there can be lots of reasons for it, but I like feeling connected to you in that way. How do you feel about our sexual connection?"
If you know the red flags are enough for you to want to GTFO of the relationship, that decision merits a mature, responsible breakup talk. "Let them know you don’t see you two being a healthy fit for each other anymore, and that you respect and appreciate the time you two shared together," says Wright.
What if I’m the one who has the red flag?
Remember, a red flag is subjective. So maybe you and your partner just don't align on what you want for yourselves. That doesn't make you a bad person.
"Unless you are being manipulative, abusive, toxic, or unhealthy—the only red flags you’d have are not aligning with the other person’s relationship goals, values, and vision—which you don’t want to change," says Wright. "Find yourself wanting to check your partner’s phone? That’s a mechanism going off in your brain to protect yourself, but it’s not okay."
She adds that if you find yourself struggling with manipulative or toxic tendencies, consider enrolling in therapy to help you get to the root of those behaviors so you can show up better for your partner.
The bottom line: Think about your relationship norms, and if you notice changes from that baseline—on your partner's part or on yours—that could be a red flag that one or both of you is starting to feel less secure in your bond. That said, there could be something else at play, so it's always best to try to approach the issue through an honest and open conversation with your partner.
If you feel afraid in your relationship, controlled, or disrespected, it’s time to move on, and potentially seek professional support. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available at 800.799.SAFE (7233).
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