How losing their son inspired couple to start a grief support group: 'It's okay to cry'

WELLS, Maine — David Muller was a compassionate man, with a winning sense of humor and a clear love for life, his father, Hal, and mother, Karen, will smile and tell you. He was a loving son, a loyal friend, and the best bear hugger around.

“He made everybody feel like they were his best friend,” Hal said during a recent interview at their home. “I felt that way. I felt he was my best friend, and I was his.”

David was 38 years old when he died from complications related to COVID-19 in 2020. For Hal and Karen, the loss of their son has been so devastating that they have co-founded a new grief support group, so that they and others who have lost a child do not have to face their grief alone or try to heal on their own.

“A great way to heal is to help,” Hal said.

Karen said she and her husband understand the “isolating and overwhelming nature” of losing a child.

“Our aim is to create a supportive community where parents can find understanding, share their stories, and help each other through the healing process,” she said.

The group is a new chapter of The Compassionate Friends (TCF), a global organization offering support for grieving parents. The Mullers have been attending TCF’s chapter in Portland and are now starting their own to support people in York County and Portsmouth, New Hampshire, and its surrounding communities. Their chapter is TCF’s third one in Maine.

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What to expect at The Compassionate Friends support group

The Mullers will hold their first meeting at the Wells Public Library at 1434 Post Road on Tuesday, Feb. 13, from 6:30 to 7:30 p.m. Anyone who would like to attend is asked to send the Mullers an email at info@tcfyork.org at least one day in advance. For more information, please visit online at www.tcfyork.org.

Moving forward, the Mullers plan to lead two meetings per month, one in person and another online.

The group is open to parents and grandparents who have lost a child, regardless of circumstances. If the need arises, meetings also will be held for bereaved children ages 15 and older.

The monthly meetings will feature open discussions and occasional guest speakers, will emphasize confidentiality, and will provide a non-judgmental atmosphere, according to the Mullers.

“While our personal grief journey has been challenging, we believe that through coming together, we can provide a beacon of hope for others who are struggling,” Hal said. “There’s so much healing in sitting around the room and just telling your story.”

Such topics as religion and the afterlife, as well as other tools people find helpful for healing, will not be off limits but will be approached thoughtfully and respectfully if they arise, according to the Mullers.

“Our chapter will be open to hearing about how people are getting through their grief, as long as they are not recruiting people to change their personal feelings,” the Mullers said. “At times, we will bring in speakers, but the topic of discussion will be known in advice, and people can choose not to attend.”

The group also will acknowledge that men and women do not grieve the same way.

“Understanding that is the first step,” Hal added. “No one should have to face the pain of child loss alone.”

Hal said he tends to be one of the few men who attend grieving support groups. Both he and Karen said they hope grieving men will seek out this local chapter of The Compassionate Friends that they are starting.

Hal said he wants grieving men to know that they are not weak if they cry or need to talk with someone or want to join a support group. He said men should know it’s okay for their wives and children to see them mourn.

“Your wife needs to see that you’re crying because she is crying,” Hal said. “It’s very normal. What’s not normal is you shutting down.”

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'It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to reach out.'

Hal said he is more compassionate about a lot of things today because he has accepted the fact that grieving the loss of his son is now a part of the life that he and Karen share.

Grief is a part of life, Karen said.

“When you lose your parents or your grandparents, that’s the order,” she said. “That’s the order. And when you get kicked in the stomach and lose a child, it’s a wake-up call that everyone needs to address this and not hide it. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to reach out.”

It’s also okay to mention or ask about a loved one that a person has lost, Hal said. People shy away from people who have lost somebody because they often do not know what to say, he added. People are concerned about upsetting the person who is grieving.

Hal said he might cry when he talks about David, but he really appreciates it when someone offers their condolences or wants to learn more about the kind of person his son was.

“I love to talk about Dave,” he said. “I’ll remember my son. I’m not going to forget him. So, let’s talk about him ... It’s okay to talk about it. We want to talk about him.”

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This article originally appeared on Portsmouth Herald: Wells couple starts new group to help grieving parents heal