Is Your Partner Using Weaponized Incompetence to Avoid Certain Tasks? Here's How to Know.
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/ˈwep.ən.aɪzed ɪnˈkɑːm.pə.t̬əns/
Are you constantly asking your partner to make your kids’ lunches, only for them to whine that you’re just so much better at it? When making plans with friends, does your significant other foist the brainstorming onto you because you always have such fun ideas? That’s not just annoying; it’s weaponized incompetence. According to husband-and-wife duo Erin and Stephen Mitchell, authors of Too Tired to Fight and cofounders of Couples Counseling for Parents, this avoidance technique happens “when someone uses their lack of understanding or familiarity with something as a rationale for denial of accountability and inaction.” The problem is that “lack of understanding” is usually a load of BS.
Using one’s supposed incompetence to duck out of certain tasks is irritating in the moment, but it can also do long-term harm. “It’s destructive because it creates inequity in the relationship, which results in an imbalance of power,” the Mitchells say. “This imbalance leads to resentment and disconnection, with one person always feeling overburdened and taken advantage of.” If you think that sounds like the invisible labor wives and mothers often get saddled with, you’re not wrong. But it can happen in friendship, family, and work situations, too.
According to the Mitchells, rebalancing the load is critical to the health of your relationships. You can start with some boundary-setting, like telling your partner that you won’t be responsible for packing school lunch every single day. Build a spirit of collaboration around the problem, the Mitchells say. That also applies to the work colleague who claims she “can’t ever figure out how to use the printer” and your sibling who has never helped find a present for Mom.
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