No, This Mom Shouldn’t Get Backlash for Staying the Night in Her Daughter’s College Dorm

Here's why the criticism is unwarranted.

Fact checked by Sarah ScottFact checked by Sarah Scott

Another day, another parent facing internet haters. And this time (like most times), the criticism the parent is receiving is unwarranted.

Mom of three Lori Miggins shared a viral Instagram reel in which she offers a tip with fellow parents of new college students: “New college mommas, here’s an easy way to send your firstborn off to college…Spend the first night with them!”

OK, at first glance, this may not seem like the best idea, but there’s really important context to consider here—context that completely changes the whole story and that many people seem to have missed. Plus, this is another example of why it's OK for parents to do what works best for their families.

The Viral Dorm Room Debate

As Miggins shares in the reel, her daughter is a college athlete, so she moved in earlier than most students, including her roommate. The roommate’s bed was available. Miggins used her own bedding, and secured permission from her daughter’s roommate before spending the night in the dorm. And, most importantly, Miggins shares that her daughter wanted her to sleep over.

“Also, when we looked at the calendar and saw that move-in day was on my birthday, my daughter and I thought it would be an even better idea,” Miggins tells Parents.

Look, I don’t love the idea of a college student’s mom showing up in a crowded dorm full of new students trying to enjoy their first night of independence before classes start—but that’s clearly not what happened in this scenario.

With this backstory in mind, here’s what I say: What’s so wrong with what Miggins did? Where’s the issue with a mom who wants to make her child’s first night alone in an unfamiliar place feel more comfortable, and create a fun memory around the move while doing so?

Unfortunately, a lot of people online are finding fault with the mom’s viral story.

“This is gross and weird. Have some boundaries. Say goodbye to your kid and go cry in the car like everyone else. Let them live says lives. That’s what you brought them up to do,” one commenter writes.

Another commenter says this gave her “the ick.”

Why This Mom Deserves Praise

As a mom—and a person who remembers how unfamiliar and overwhelming spending that first night away from home was—I see nothing wrong, gross, or inappropriate here. I don’t see a mom who is coddling her child, helicopter-ing over her, or overstepping boundaries.

I just see a close mother/daughter pair who thought of a fun way to celebrate a major moment (and, presumably, make that transition to college less scary for the daughter than it has to be).

“I would tell them to read the post. Because they clearly did not,” says Miggins of the naysayers. “We both wanted this. We are very close. It was just one innocent evening that we got to spend and bond and enjoy each other’s company as she made a huge transition into college life.”

Of course, negativity isn’t all Miggins has received; she’s also seen a lot of support and kindness come through. One other parent did something similar and commented on the reel: “We just moved in my daughter early for cheer. She was practically alone in her dorm at night. Super scared, and anxious, in a new town. My mom (her Nana) lives 30 mins away and stayed the night with her.”

The positive comments are the ones Miggins says she’s focusing on. “The people that are telling me I’m a good mom, the people that are telling me that they love the mother-daughter bond that we have,” says Miggins. “But most of all, I’m really loving the messages of people telling me that because of my post, they are going to do the same thing. Or they are rekindling relationships, or making their relationships better.”

Supporting Kids Through Transitions Looks Different for Every Family

The shift from childhood to adulthood doesn’t happen overnight, right on a child’s 18th birthday. It’s ridiculous to expect parents to dramatically alter their approach to their kids' major transitions just because that milestone is reached.

I remember attending orientation the summer before I started college and simply feeling “off”—a little dizzy, sort of nauseated, and just unsteady. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I understand that what I was experiencing was anxiety. And you know what I did? Instead of spending that orientation night in the dorm with fellow students, I went to my mom’s hotel and stayed with her instead.

It was what I needed at that moment. And if my kids need that type of support as they navigate the transition to college (or any other major life transition), I hope I can provide the type of support my own mom and Miggins showed as well.

While it may not be the right approach for every family, the reality is, there is no single right approach.

Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, psychologist and founder of Phoenix Health, consigns this. “It's important to remember that every child and every family dynamic is different—it's best not to judge a parent for their approach,” says Dr. Guarnotta. “It is common for adolescents going away to college to experience difficulty with separating from their parents. This mother very likely could have taken her daughter's needs into account and made a decision that was best for her.”

Miggins agrees every family should do what works for them, even if it means going against the norm.

“My situation was not a matter of letting go or holding on,” explains Miggins. “It was simply a matter of just spending more time together and helping her get acclimated and adjusted and moved into her room.”

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Read the original article on Parents.