Here’s when you should actually say 'I love you,' according to experts
So much can go through your head when you say “I love you” for the first time. First, there’s the fear of rejection—maybe the person you’re saying it to doesn’t feel the same way. Then, there’s the fear that you’re not going to say it right. Or that you’ll say it too soon. And, of course, there’s the fear that when you’re face-to-face with that special someone, you'll feel overcome with nerves. The whole thing is an anxiety-infused ordeal.
“When you say ‘I love you’ to another person, you make yourself vulnerable to hurt and rejection, and that doesn’t feel good,” says Terri Orbuch, PhD, relationship expert and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship. “You put yourself out there by sharing a feeling, and it is only natural to be anxious that the other person might not feel the same as you.”
But even if you just want to get those feelings off your chest and don’t necessarily expect that certain someone to feel the same way, saying “I love you” for the first time can still be a daunting task. Those three little words hold so much weight, and it can be scary to confess such a deep emotion to another human being.
But there is some good news when it comes to dropping the L bomb: “The way everyone falls in love is unique and there’s no right or wrong way to do it,” says Women’s Health advisor and licensed psychologist Chloe Carmichael, PhD.
Meet the Experts:
Terri Orbuch, PhD is a relationship expert, professor at Oakland University, and author of Finding Love Again: 6 Simple Steps to a New and Happy Relationship.
Chloe Carmichael, PhD is a licensed psychologist and Women's Health advisor.
Irina Firstein, LCSW is a couples therapist in New York City.
Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT is a marriage and family therapist in New York State.
Still, there are a few caveats to consider before saying those three little words. Ahead, relationship experts share everything you need to know.
How do I know I’m in love, anyway?
Okay, so...how do you know you’re actually in love? The line between lust and love can sometimes feel a bit blurry, but there are four science-based signs you’re actually in love, per Orbuch. The first sign is connection: Do you get happy when your partner gets along well with your family and friends? Do you like showing off your partner to everyone you know, including your hair colorist or your mailman? If so, you’ve probably been hit with Cupid’s arrow, Orbuch says.
Another telltale sign: If you find yourself using “we” language when referring to yourself and your partner, she says. “When you’re in love with someone, your lives become intertwined,” explains Orbuch. If you frequently think about you and your partner as a couple or unit, that’s another green flag.
A third indicator you’re feeling the love is that you feel comfortable sharing personal information and secrets with that special someone—even the miniscule details of your day that you don’t bother telling anyone else. “When you’re in love, it motivates you to share extensive personal, often confidential, information with your partner,” Orbuch says. “You feel an urge to share things about your childhood, desires, feelings, and aspirations for the future.” Aw.
Lastly, interdependence—or a healthy and mutual respect, bond, and consideration of your partner—may mean you’re ready to utter those three little words. “When two people love each other, what one partner does or wants to do influences the other partner in strong and meaningful ways,” she explains. For example, say you were thinking about moving to another city for work or contemplating another big life change. “If you’re in love,” Orbuch says, “you would want to involve your partner in those decisions.”
Feeling the love yet? If so, you might be ready to say “I love you.”
When is the right time to say "I love you"?
"I don't think saying 'I love you' means a lifetime [of] commitment, but the statement is serious," say Irina Firstein, LCSW, a couples therapist in New York City. So, it's not a bad idea to do a self check-in to make sure now is the right time for you.
Generally, though, the right time is usually when there's been clear signs of reciprocity. No one wants to blurt out those three words without the slightest clue if their partner will say them back. But even if you aren't entirely positive that they will, you should at least be sure that your relationship has been moving at a mutually satisfying pace, and that real feelings are there.
That's why Rebecca Hendrix, LMFT, recommends first anticipating what these words mean for both you and your partner. Saying "I love you" could just mean "I think you are great" to one person, and "I am feeling so full of love for you, and I hope you will be in my life for a very long time" to another, she says.
"Before you utter these words, try to make sure you know where they are coming from inside of you and try to imagine what these words might mean to your person," Hendrix says. "You are ready to say these words when your relationship has moved from the magical fairy dust stage into a real partnership, where you see both the good and challenging aspects of each other and love each other more for both." That's where you're coming from? Great! Onward.
Should you say it first?
Well, "someone has to say it first," Firstein says. So, don't feel intimidated if you've been waiting for your partner to say those three little words. It's possible that they are having the same hesitation you are, not because they don't feel it, but because they want to know if you do first.
"Love is a beautiful feeling, and if you feel it and have thought it through, share it! Even in the off chance your partner isn’t ready to say it back, it is still a beautiful sentiment to receive," Hendrix says.
What is the best way to say I love you?
"The best way to say I love you is the way that is best for you and your partner," Hendrix says. And how exactly are you supposed to figure that out? Two words: love language.
In case you've been living under a love-deprived rock, you probably have heard of Gary Chapman, the author of The 5 Love Languages, who created a test for couples to learn how they each show and receive love. The languages include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts (yes, please!), quality time, and physical touch. But when it comes to saying "I love you" for the first time, the general consensus is definitely to say it (not just show it).
"For many women, it’s important that their partner speak the words to them first because it's important to hear an escalation of the relationship," Carmichael says. But she also tells her clients who are worried about rejection that it's okay to couch the phrase a bit.
"Talk about it and articulate it, but in a way that gives you a little bit of a buffer," Carmichael suggests. Instead of saying "I love you," you could tee it up with, "I really like you," or "I love spending time with you." This can also help you get used to the idea of expressing these serious feelings to your partner.
This slightly milder, less bare-it-all approach gives you an opportunity to learn whether or not this relationship and your partner has the capacity for love. "Love is a process," Carmichael says. "It should be a collaborative process of learning together and talking about your feelings deepening gradually and finding that it's happening for you mutually.” (At least, that's the ideal situation...)
Hendrix recommends adding in some words that further define what those feelings mean to you, to avoid any misunderstandings.
"If it is a romantic declaration of a deeper level of caring, then you may want to follow up with some words like, 'I feel so deeply for you and can’t imagine you not in my life,'" she says. "If it’s more of letting the person know you think they are special, you may follow up with words like 'I adore you and think you are a really special person.'"
Is there ever a wrong time to say I love you?
Every couple is different, and there's no wrong time to say "I love you," per se. But there are some scenarios in which your words might come off as more of a red flag than a red-hot heart.
Saying it too soon: "In a romantic way, saying 'I love you' for the first time is usually something that is said when you both know each other well and are falling in love with each other and plan to make a long-term go at your relationship," Hendrix says. "Saying this too soon may disrespect the love you are building and send a message that you don’t know how to 'do' relationships—or that you might not know the difference between love and lust." Eek.
Saying it during sex or while drunk: Declaring your love during sex is normal, Carmichael says, considering how passionate and intimate the moment is. So it shouldn't necessarily be seen as a bad thing. But, "saying it in a sexual situation naturally raises questions," Firstein says, mostly because it's not the, uh, clearest-minded moment.
And Hendrix agrees: "If someone says they love you for the first time during sex or when they are drunk [or in some other way impaired], you might not take it seriously any more than you would if your friend told you she was going to move to Paris after she had four glasses of rosé," Hendrix says. "It doesn’t mean she won’t be moving to Paris, it just means you want to reconfirm that this is true the next day!"Saying it only over text message: "If a lot of your relationship takes place over text, maybe you share your sentiments via text," Hendrix says. The problem becomes when your partner is unwilling to say those three words outside of texting.
"That's when you need to have a conversation and ask in a compassionate, non-accusatory way why they don't feel comfortable saying 'I love you' in person," Carmichael says. Some people struggle with the verbalization of it (perhaps it wasn't said often in their childhood home), so if it bothers you, have a mature chat about it.
What do you do if they don't say it back?
"There is not much to do," Firstein says."It usually means that the other person either does not feel same or wants to be sure they feel same." So, it's not necessarily bad news, she notes. If the other person isn't completely sure they feel the same way, sometimes they just need time to process and really understand their feelings. (That's always a good thing.)
On the other hand, if they're certain that they "can't get there with you" as Bachelor Nation would say, "acknowledge yourself for having the courage to say 'I love you' and for being someone who can not only feel this intense emotion, but also share it," Hendrix says. That's seriously commendable.
If you have found yourself in the middle of unrequited love, Carmichael encourages you to "ask yourself how you became so open to someone who didn’t reciprocate, and ask if there were signs along the way that you just kind of ignored." Combing through this can help you avoid getting overly attached to someone who hasn't done the same with you, to prevent unnecessary pain in the future.
In the end, "the wound of unrequited love is often a self-healing wound," and you'll be just fine. Remember that you deserve someone who wants you the way you want them and loves you the way you love them, and nothing less than that will do.
And in moments of struggle? Grab that pint of vegan ice cream, watch your favorite rom-com, and move on. Just don't forget to say 'I love you' to the person who needs to hear it most: you.
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