7 Things Parents Should NEVER Do Once Their Kids Goes to College
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Sending a kid to college may seem like the end of a parenthood journey — or at least a new phase of parenting. At the same time, a student is going through a brand-new beginning, starting off in a different school and possibly living away from home for the first time.
These are two huge shifts happening simultaneously, and it's emotional for everyone involved in different ways. While it's normal to expect some friction, there are some things that adults can keep in mind to help everything go smoother. "A successful transition to college requires the young adult to feel like they can handle their new life on their terms," says clinical psychologist Emily Edlynn, Ph.D., author of Autonomy-Supportive Parenting. In order to help them feel this way, here are seven thing adults shouldn't do when their kid goes off to college.
1. Don't Take Over the Experience
Ultimately, it's the student's milestone, not the adult's. "Should you get the 'Proud Mom' car decal? Yes! Should you confidently wear your 'University Dad' shirt at family weekend? Absolutely! But draw the line on the 'we' statements," says Chelsea Petree, Ph.D, Director of Parent and Family Programs at the Rochester Institute of Technology and editor of College Ready.
That includes statements like:
We got in!
We've got a great class schedule this semester!
We're moving in on Sunday.
"While colleges see families as partners and as part of the university community," she adds, "remember that this is your student’s experience, and you should allow them to make it their own. Be proud, but remember you are now in a supporting role."
2. Don't Track Their Location
Yes, parents can get a certain peace of mind knowing that their scholar is safe and sound (or at least up and moving around, possibly to their lecture halls). But it comes at a cost to all involved. "Watching your child’s location creates high anxiety for the parent, which can mean contacting the child out of concern," Dr. Edlynn says. "This leads to the child feeling like their parents are still watching their every move even though they no longer live at home. This can result in all kinds of problems, including the child not feeling trusted and feeling less independent overall." Instead, parents should turn off the Life360 and have some faith that the student will reach out if they need to.
3. Don't Constantly Call, Text and Reach Out
It's hard not to miss them. But what they need is some space to adjust to college life without being reminded of home every day. "Kids need to go through their own process of separation from parents and acclimation to college," says Stephanie Manes, LCSW, a therapist in private practice in New York City and adjunct professor at Columbia University School of Social Work. "To do this successfully, they often need to fully immerse themselves in their new life on campus and to simultaneously create some distance from you. In a way, the less you hear from them in the beginning, the better!"
"Let your child know you can’t wait to hear all about their life when they reach out to you," Dr. Edlynn adds. "Then sit on your hands and wait for your child to make the first move."
4. Don't Tell Them How Much You Miss Them All the Time
They probably miss home, too, but wallowing will only hold them back. "The more your kids know you are okay without them, the more permission they have to be okay without you," Manes says. "If your child thinks that you're really suffering in their absence, they might unconsciously create reasons to return to you."
5. Don't Bail Them Out at the First Sign of Trouble
Problem-solving and resilience are two important skills that college students are going to need to enter adulthood, and rushing in to fix all their problems means they don't get a chance to practice them. "Even if your student never truly encountered challenges before, they likely will in college," Dr. Petree says. "This will be hard to watch as a parent, whether it’s something small, like not getting the exact class schedule they want, or something more significant like getting fired from a campus job. Your first reaction might be to call the school and 'fix' it. Don’t. Now that your student is in college, your job is to stay calm, listen and help them understand their strengths so that they can move forward and grow from all experiences, even the negative ones."
That means no emailing professors or administrators on a student's behalf, reaching out to the "Parents of" Facebook group to solicit advice or scheduling appointments for them — trust that they have the ability to do it for themselves.
Rather than rushing in to fix all the problems, parents can step back and act more like a coach or a guide so that students can learn how to weather tough emotions or handle their own problems. "Be a listening ear, validate their experience and express confidence that they will get through the tough times," Dr. Edlynn says.
6. Don't Say, "You've Changed."
It may be true, but saying so may come with more judgement than intended. Actually, change should be celebrated. "One of the best things you can do to strengthen your relationship with your college student in this new phase of life is to expect them to change," says Christine Oakfield, host and producer of the Your Empty Nest Coach Podcast. "After all, there is a decent chance they’ll return home with new ideas, friends and thoughts."
Next time they visit home, Oakfield suggests, embrace the opportunity to discover the person they've become. "Jumping in with judgement may create a rift in your parent-child relationship that isn’t necessary," she says. "Instead, use this as an opportunity to build a strong bond, or bridge. Give them space to be themselves, respond with love — and remember that you may have undergone some change, too!"
7. Don't Transform Their Room Right Away
Between all of the experts, this is the advice that came up the most. Yes, it may seem so attractive to turn a kid's room in to a home gym/craft room/guest bedroom. But that might signal that the student isn't welcome home again. "The first few times your student comes home, they will want the comfort of the familiar," Petree says. "Let them have their space … at least for the first year or so."
The same goes for clearing out some of their things while they're gone. "An item you believe to be unimportant may have untold meaning to them, so respecting their space and belongings is essential," Oakfield says, adding it's best to always just ask if it's okay to toss some things.
Craving their own space is a sign that a student still feels connected to home. "Their center of gravity is in many ways still with you," Manes says. "That will slowly shift, but it's a process that takes time. Probably longer than most parents imagine. You need to let them let go at their own pace, instead of giving them the impression that once they leave for college they're on their own."
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