16 Signs You're Losing a Friend—Plus, How To Cope, According to a Therapist
Friendships are essential to our lives, providing support, comfort and a sense of belonging. We thrive on connections with others, so figuring out how to adjust when these connections are severed is difficult. While friends break up all the time, that doesn’t mean it’s any less hurtful. As a therapist, I see this life change impact clients on a regular basis.
Recognizing the signs that your friendship isn’t the same can help you prepare for the transition. Here are 16 of the most common signs you’re losing a friend, plus some ways to cope with the change.
Related: 8 Types of Toxic Friends You Should Cut Out of Your Life, According to Psychotherapists
16 Signs You're Losing a Friend, According to a Therapist
1. You struggle to talk about personal topics.
In a healthy friendship, you naturally share personal details with each other. From somebody cutting you off in traffic to the latest drama with your partner, your friends are your confidants. Struggling to talk about once-natural topics causes the relationship to feel more neutral and less like it once was.
2. You don’t talk as much.
Some friendships end with a major argument or fight, while others fade into the ether. When the texts and calls become less and less frequent, it’s a warning sign you might be becoming distant from your friend.
3. They aren’t the first person you want to tell major life events to.
When a big event happens, the first person you’ll want to call is your best friend. Since they’ve more than likely been by your side for a while, they’re a major part of your support system—plus, you like to celebrate with them! If you don’t find yourself itching to tell them when something important happens, you may want to reexamine your friendship.
4. You don’t initiate making plans and cancel the ones you do make.
Avoiding commitment indicates a lack of enthusiasm in any relationship. Feeling bored with typical plans, not initiating plans with a friend, or frequently canceling plans you make (randomly or well in advance) are all signs your friendship is different than it once was.
5. You start becoming judgmental about their choices.
I remember knowing I was becoming distant from high-school friends in college because I didn’t agree with the choices they were making. I also see so many clients who feel the same way but are confused about how to handle these feelings. You’ll notice you start getting easily irritated with them, and your opinion of them just isn’t the same.
Related: 25 Red Flags That Signify a Toxic Relationship, According to Psychotherapists
6. You aren’t getting invited to things anymore.
There’s nothing worse than opening social media to see your friend post pictures and having fun with someone else. It may not have anything to do with you, but if they’re also making less of an effort to hang out, it could be a sign they don’t want to be friends anymore.
7. They tell you they have concerns about the friendship.
Sometimes, a friend will come to you with concerns about the friendship. They might feel like it’s not the same or have different goals, but either way, it’s worth discussing why they’re feeling this way.
8. You feel like you’re the only one trying to maintain the friendship.
Maintaining a friendship takes concerted effort. It’s a two-way street, so both of you should be putting in effort to care about and for each other. If this isn’t happening, it may be time to move on.
9. They start choosing their partner over you (or vice versa).
All of a sudden, your friend gets a new boyfriend or girlfriend, and things change completely. You might start feeling left out, lonely or deprioritized. On the other hand, if you find yourself craving time with your partner over your best friend, they might be feeling the same thing. Significant others can heavily impact friendships, so it’s important to have open communication and set boundaries to prevent a friendship from dissolving if you don’t want it to.
10. You start having more bad moments than good.
We’re all guilty of picking fights over stupid things. But when every conversation is a conflict, or you’re not having a good time when you hang out with your friend, it’s definitely a warning that something’s not the same. While all friendships have positive and negative moments, the good should ideally outweigh the bad.
11. Hanging out with them isn’t the same.
You’re out with your friend grabbing drinks or getting coffee, and the conversation tapers off. Then, there’s an awkward silence. This may be the moment where you both realize things are different, or it could mean that one of you is just having a bad day. If this starts happening more and more frequently, talk to your friend to see what’s up.
12. You aren’t bothered by their lack of presence in your life.
If you’re sitting around and think, “Wow, it’s been a while since I talked to so-and-so,” that’s a problem. A friend, much less a best friend, should always be someone you want to be around; you never get tired of seeing or talking to them. When this stops happening, you know you’re growing distant from them.
13. You can’t seem to let go of past fights.
Whether it’s the worst fight you’ve ever had with your friend or a little argument, moving on is an important part of a friendship. Getting stuck on past fights means there’s an obvious problem, especially if it’s from years ago. Moving past small conflicts is easier, but letting unresolved problems hang over your friendship like a black cloud isn’t good for either of you.
14. They lose your trust.
Have you ever had a friend date somebody you had a crush on? How about buying the dress you were hoping to wear to homecoming? Anything from these examples to something more serious like spreading rumors can cause you to lose trust in your friend. When this happens, it’s a sign you might need a break from the friendship.
15. You aren’t supported by them anymore.
Friends are there for you when you’re celebrating, grieving or just on a normal day. They also support your goals, ambitions and life choices (most of the time). If you don’t feel supported by them anymore and neither of you communicates why the level of support has changed, it may not be the right friendship for you.
16. You start missing the “good ole days.”
Some of my favorite memories as an adult are laughing at old pictures and videos with friends. However, if this is all you do when you hang out, that’s not good. Friendships should grow with you, not be stuck in the past.
Why Does Losing a Best Friend Hurt So Much?
Losing a friend is one of the worst types of pain you’ll experience, especially if that friend is like family to you. It's heartbreaking when you put so much time and energy into creating a bond with someone, only for it to be broken. This is especially true if it’s not clear why the friendship ended. You can feel like you’re losing a part of yourself or that you’ve lost the one person you could trust. These feelings are normal to have when you lose any type of friend, so don’t beat yourself up if you’re struggling with the loss.
How Do You Recover From Losing a Good Friend?
Your friendship has ended, now what? It’s tough to navigate life without a good friend, so giving yourself grace is important as you cope. Here are a few suggestions on how to recover from losing a good friend:
Set boundaries with yourself, especially when it comes to looking at your friend’s social media. Try to distance yourself from the situation in a healthy way.
Allow yourself to feel difficult emotions. While this is uncomfortable, it gives you the chance to actually move through what’s happened rather than getting over it.
Establish a regular journaling routine to express your thoughts about the friendship breakup. This helps you to avoid internalizing what you’re feeling.
Talk to a therapist to process the heavy emotions that come with losing a friend, learn coping skills to deal with symptoms of depression or anxiety, and have a nonjudgmental outlet to discuss your concerns in.
Seek out new opportunities to find new meaningful connections. Whether you join a new social group, start working at a new job, or get your coffee from a new store, try to find new people to establish friendships with.
At the end of the day, losing a friend is hard. Acknowledging the pain, giving yourself space to grieve and positively stepping into a new chapter in your life is key to making it through a friendship breakup.
Next: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist
