John Stamos has a new memoir. Here are all the things I looked up online while reading the book.

John Stamos has spent decades in the spotlight, starting as a bonafide '80s teen idol, and, oh, the stories the Full House star tells about it in his new memoir, If You Would Have Told Me.

We have a guide to the juiciest parts of the book — walking in on his girlfriend in bed with Tony Danza, making out with future TV wife Lori Loughlin and his bitter divorce from first wife Rebecca Romijn — but here we're also sharing our internet search results of everything we looked up while reading the tome.

Before and after photos of John Stamos's nose job

A high school bully dubbed him "Big Nose Stamos" before punching in the schnoz over a girl. The nickname stuck and while on General Hospital playing heartthrob Blackie Parrish from 1982 to 1984, Stamos secretly got a nose job. It didn't go unnoticed by co-stars — the tip of his nose "pushed up like Peter Pan" — so he went under the knife again with Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon. "Who better to handle the delicate task of resculpting my nose than the man who created a whole new face for M.J.?" he wrote.

Stamos's "I love Neet girls" commercial

Before he was a Greek yogurt pitchman, Stamos told '80s ladies how to groom their body hair in Neet commercials. "It makes no sense," he wrote, "but I'm surrounded by hotties with hairless legs wearing next to nothing, so it's not the toughest check to cash." He shared that it was those ads, specifically as he, um, waxed about his "love" of Neet girls, that inspired Nic Cage's vocal style in 1986's Peggy Sue Got Married. "He gets panned for that choice. Sure, pal, blame it on me," he wrote.

Richard Ramirez the "Night Stalker" serial killer

When Stamos was 16 and 17, he was introduced to Doreen Lioy, an editor at Tiger Beat magazine, who saw a star quality in him, despite him not yet having any acting roles, and started featuring him the mag. She glommed onto the Stamos family and spent the holidays with them. During that era, specifically from 1984 to 1985, a serial killer known as the Night Stalker was arrested in California. Lioy saw his mug shot and was apparently smitten, telling Stamos's mom Ramirez had that same "little boy quality Johnny has." Lioy started writing to Ramirez in prison and eventually married him. The Stamos's cut her of their life.

Where is Teri Copley now?

Stamos dated the I Married a Centerfold actress for a year in the '80s. He called her after returning home after a fan meet and greet and when she didn't return his calls, he showed up at her house. Big mistake. He walked in to find her nude in bed with... Tony Danza. Copley has since denied cheating on Stamos, saying they split prior to her Danza romance. We searched to see where Copley is now — an author and speak — and if she posted on social about Stamos's claim (nope).

Stamos and Lori Loughlin at the 1983 Daytime Emmys

Years before they played husband and wife on Full House, Loughlin, star of Search for Tomorrow, was tapped to announced Stamos's category — Best Supporting Actor — at the 1983 Daytime Emmys. Sadly, there's no clip of that we could find — spoiler: he lost— so here's what Stamos wrote about it on social media. Meanwhile, in his book, he talked about them once making out at Disneyland pre-Full House and almost dating before he got together with Rebecca Romijn.

Pictures of Stamos with Heather Locklear

Stamos told a story about meeting Locklear while doing fan appearances in the '80s. They arranged to have a drink at their hotel bar, which turned into a game of Quarters. She whooped him and he was really drunk. They were supposed to rendezvous in her hotel room, only he passed out in his room before he could get there. She thought he stood her up, but he was sleeping in vomit. Soon after, they were paired for Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve in 1988 — and he claimed she was cold until he explained why he was a no-show.

Stamos with other lost loves, from Paula Abdul to Demi Moore

Stamos, who is now happily married to second wife Caitlin McHugh, went on a first date with Paula Abdul to the 1990 Grammys. Like — they just met that day. They went on to date for a while and he apparently fell asleep "during an intimate moment" with her.

He also dated actress Chelsea Noble, who appeared on Full House. They broke up — he said they weren't aligned religiously — and she got together and married Kirk Cameron, a born-again Christian and big brother of Candace Cameron. Noble and Cameron, who went on to appear together on Cameron's show Growing Pains, met at one of Stamos's pool parties.

Stamos also hooked up with, but apparently didn't sleep with, his General Hospital co-star Demi Moore. Moore recently shared some old negatives of a photoshoot they did.

Stamos also had a serious PDA moment with actress Vanity, his co-star in 1986's Never Too Young to Die. They hooked up while dining with a table of people at a restaurant.

Last photo with Rebecca Romijn

His split from his first wife was really bitter, he detailed. They secretly separated in 2003, but then briefly gave it another shot. Their last public appearance together was at SXSW the next year, which he called "one of our best performances, acting like we are happy and still in love." They split for good after.

A "Have mercy" supercut

No explanation needed about his character's Full House catchphrase, which was born out of a conversation with his mentor Garry Marshall.

When did Don Rickles die?

Stamos promised to keep the name of the famed comedian alive — and devoted more than a chapter to him. We did a quick brush up on his life and career.

Who is Sy Sperling?

The very well-coiffed Stamos used the celebrity alias "Sy Sperling" when checking into hotels — and into the hospital after his DUI arrest. Sperling, who was the founder of Hair Club for Men, died in 2020.

Stamos on Mornings with Kerri-Anne

After his divorce and the death of his parents, Stamos was in a downward spiral. A 2007 press tour to Australia was a disaster and he talked about being drunk on Mornings with Kerri-Anne — and his publicist making up a story about him taking too much Ambien. He's said that kicking his Ambien habit was tougher than giving up drinking.

What is a Scientology E-Meter?

A girl in Stamos's acting class invited him to meet after class — and it turned out to be at the Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre. He was led to an office and hooked to "a weird little machine" — the organization's purported lie detector called an E-Meter — to "get a read on your Thetans." He goofed around with what he was told was an "important religious artifact," putting one part of it to his ear and another to his mouth and pretending it was an old-time telephone. During the audit, he was asked questions about committing crimes, if he had negative thoughts about Scientology and L. Ron Hubbard and "strange sex inquiries." He apparently failed and was sent on his way. "Apparently I'm not Scientology material," he quipped. "Darn it."

Stamos arrest video

His book starts by recounting his 2015 DUI arrest, while driving to meet Bob Saget at The Palm in L.A. A group of tourists saw him weaving all over Rodeo Drive and yelled, "Hey, Uncle Jesse, pull over, you're f***ed up." Police eventually found him blacked out in his car and he was arrested and taken to the hospital for treatment. He was mortified for making "a mockery of myself," but addiction had a hold and he downed a bottle of wine when he got home. He went to rehab shortly after.

Stamos's last photo with Bob Saget

He detailed his memorable final meal with his Full House pal — at Nobu in December 2021 with their wives. Saget post a photo of the night to social media. Saget died in a Florida hotel after blunt head trauma.

Stamos's extortion scandal

Finally, merely for its lack of inclusion in the book, we looked up the 2009 extortion plot against Stamos. A Michigan couple — Allison Coss and Scott Sippola — threatened to release pictures of Stamos with strippers and cocaine if he didn't turn over $680,000. The FBI was involved. The backstory was that Stamos met Coss, who worked at a nightclub, in Florida when she was 17 and stayed in touch with him before later trying to shake him down. Stamos testified at their trial, saying, "There was no hot tub, no drugs, no nudity and nothing sexual in nature involved in my friendship with this woman. They lied about everything from a pregnancy to compromising photos." The couple was found guilty.

If You Would Have Told Me by John Stamos is out now.