Joe Burrow deserves to get roasted like Tom Brady, but burning Bengals QB not easy: Oller
Tom Brady just got roasted on a Netflix special, which is all fine and dandy ... except that it’s Tom Terrific. How many bad things can be said about the GOAT?
(Turns out there were plenty of putdowns, but you get my point. It’s not like Voldemort was getting grilled).
If you want to roast a quarterback, pick one with so many bull’s-eyes on his back you can’t miss. Someone like Joe Burrow.
You may think Deshaun Watson would be a more suitable target, but as my proposed Burrow roast will show, Joe has more skeletons in his closet than famous "Saturday Night Live" character David S. Pumpkins. Any questions?
Tickets for what we’re calling the “Burrow Slow Burn” roast are extremely expensive. Fortunately for readers of The Dispatch, I am providing a run-of-show reveal to save you time and money. The program is still wet cement – we’re still lining up roasters, including Ryan Day, Ja’Marr Chase and employees of Brown Bag Deli in German Village, where Burrow likes to visit when in Columbus – but things should be firmed up by the time Bengals minicamp begins June 11.
Kevin Hart hosted the Brady roast, but we’re thinking Urban Meyer would be more suitable for Burrow. After all, Meyer has experience with putting Joe down … the depth chart. (See how much fun this is going to be?)
Before we get started, a few ground rules. The comics/insulters at the Brady shindig agreed that Brady’s children were off-limits, and mostly decided to keep jokes about New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft to a minimum. Brady thought comedian Jeff Ross crossed that line by sharing a Kraft “massage” joke and let him know about it in a live response that went viral.
Ground rules for the Burrow-bashing bash include no jokes about The Plains, Ohio, where Burrow lived while attending Athens High School, and no cracking on Skyline Chili or Pete Rose’s haircut. Everything else is fair game.
Let’s get started with the script. And, again, the roasters are not set in stone.
Ryan Day: Joe was so unreliable at Ohio State that he once forgot to water his house plants for three days.
Awkward silence in the room.
“That’s it?” Meyer yells from the stage.
Day just shrugs.
Jim Burrow (Joe’s father): “I still remember the one time Joe forgot to address me with ‘Yes, sir.’ He was 24.”
“That’s all you got?” Meyer screams.
Jim just shrugs.
Athens County Food Pantry volunteer: “Joe promised to donate a certain amount to the Joe Burrow Hunger Relief Fund when he earned his $40 million signing bonus. But when his check arrived, it was for more than he promised.”
Pittsburgh Steelers fans in the audience even manage a smile.
Cleveland Browns defensive end Myles Garrett: “The first time I sacked Joe, he got up, looked me straight in the eye and asked how my family was doing.”
(Camera pans to Burrow mouthing, “Sorry, Myles, I should have asked how your dog was doing, too.”)
Dispatch sports columnist (ahem): “This is how cocky Joe is. I asked after the 2018 Ohio State spring game if he thought he should be the Buckeyes starter. His answer? ‘I didn't come here to sit on the bench for four years. I know I’m a pretty good quarterback. I want to play somewhere.’ The nerve of him! I mean, who does he think he is?”
(Info graphic appears on video screen behind speaker podium: Joe Burrow college stats include 25-3 as a starter at LSU; 60 touchdowns vs. 6 interceptions as a senior, when he led the Tigers to a 15-0 record and national championship; 2019 Heisman Trophy winner.)
(Dispatch columnist turns around, reads stats, slinks away.)
Athens High School classmate: “I got bullied in high school. Not by Joe. He would never do that. In fact, he came up to me one time after it happened to make sure I was OK. Told me I did not deserve to be treated that way. I’ll never forget his kindness toward me.”
Meyer: “I thought this was supposed to be a roast, not the Presidential Medal of Freedom.”
Day: “You work with what you got.”
New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers: “You thought I was weird and controversial? Joe plays chess in his spare time. He doesn’t have girlfriend drama. He’s relatively quiet and prefers not to draw attention to himself. Can you imagine?”
Jerry Seinfeld: “Burrow. What kind of name is that for an NFL quarterback? Does he crawl under the covers when things get difficult?
(Another video graphic appears on screen, ranking Burrow’s pocket management among the best in the NFL and listing his career achievements, including 2021 NFL Comeback Player of the Year. Also, a quote from Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes: “Not only is Joe a great football player, I think he’s a great leader. He has that special knack where he can lead anybody.”)
Seinfeld takes a bite of Pop-Tart and exits stage left.
Finally, Burrow steps to the microphone and delivers a doozy of a one-liner: “After getting wrist surgery in November, my throwing hand remains a little sore.”
No one laughs.
This article originally appeared on The Columbus Dispatch: Tom Brady, now Joe Burrow? Bengals QB next to get slow roasted: Oll
