I'm a Sex Coach and a Mom. Here's What I Tell My Clients About Sex After Kids

Yes, you can have a fun, sexual relationship after children enter the picture. Just keep these three things in mind.

You can still have this. It might just take some planning.

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I am a Master-Certified coach helping women with sex and pleasure. I’m also a mom and have been with my husband for 18 years, so when I say I get it—I really do get it.

To clarify, the “it,” yes, ladies and whoever else is reading, is sex. Let’s get right into it. Below are some things I tell my clients, my best friends and really any mom who will listen when it comes to having a fun, sexual relationship after kids enter the picture.

Let The Past Inspire (Not Pressure) You

One of the main things I witness when women become mothers is so much comparison to their past selves and what it was like “before.” There isn’t anything wrong with remembering those slow, sexy Saturday mornings or perky pre-nursing boobs, but placing “the good ole days” on a pedestal will block you from creating the kind of experience you want right now.

Of course it feels different, and sometimes that can bring up some sadness and grief—and it is important to compassionately allow those emotions to be seen. But rather than using the past against yourself, use it to encourage what it is you want to create in your relationship after kids. This is especially important when it comes to sex. Saying things like “before kids I had so much more desire,” or “it used to be so much better,” with a tone of longing and despair will only put you in a place of actually feeling despair. Instead, take a look at the past for inspiration and use that to move you forward.

For instance, if you wish you had the libido you once did, you can work on saying something to yourself like, “I loved wanting sex, it was so fun anticipating that interaction with my partner. I want to create more of that between us going forward.” This sets a tone of openness and will help you show up with the intention of creating more desire rather than feeling helpless. Our brain is our largest sex organ and is the No. 1 thing getting in the way of you and the sex life you want. Being mindful of the way you think about your current sex life, especially compared to your past, will either have you motivated to take steps towards more intimacy or just weigh you down with another “should.”

Intimate Connection is For YOU

Sex and intimate connection is for you. Read that again. It is for YOU. After kids, I remember feeling like all of my waking hours were spent caring for everyone else. The kids needed me physically and emotionally all the time, my clients needed me, friends and family needed me, and then there was sex—it felt like one more thing that was needed from me. It felt like one more thing I needed to do, more for my husband’s needs rather than my own. But the truth is, intimate connection and pleasure are there for you—your body and brain are wired to experience beautiful, nourishing and ecstatic pleasure. When you begin to shift out of the mindset that this is something you’re doing for someone else or giving away, rather than something that is there to fuel and energize you, you’ll begin to crave that pleasure again. And the truth is, it feels better in your body too. The sex, of course, can feel good, but beyond that. When you feel connected to your body and your partner, it is lighter, more playful and FUN. Remembering you actually want intimate connection and that it can be for you is key.

Schedule It. No, Really

OK, Mama, I know you’re tired and some days it feels like that exhaustion hits you in your bones. This is one of the many reasons I'm a huge advocate for scheduling. I get it, it sounds like it takes the magic out of sex, but the opposite is actually true. Part of the problem is that we look at scheduling sex as this horrible thing, like, “Ugh, are we really one of those couples who has to put it on the calendar?” Listen, I am a sex coach and I STILL schedule sex! Why? Because I want to have amazing sex and the best way to do that is to prepare for it. Our lives are very full and they become even more full with children in the picture. By planning for sexy time, you are literally setting yourself up for more enjoyment.

A key to creating more desire for sex is to intentionally think about it and help yourself look forward to it. This becomes easy when you know it’s coming. You have the opportunity to get yourself in the mood, to flirt with your partner, to send sexy messages to help you become more eager for your time together. In addition to helping your brain get on board, you also can help prepare your body—and what I mean by that is to create the space needed to transition from one mode to the next. Oftentimes we aren’t in the mood because our bodies are still feeling everything that happened earlier in the day. Taking a bit of time to relax, to get out of your head and into your body will help the sex you do have become so much better. Another fun aspect of this is allowing you and your partner to have the chance to work together to coordinate the time and space. Don’t limit yourself to the night, either. In my marriage, weekend “nap time” was our favorite time to hook up as we both had more energy.

The most important thing to remember is that your sexuality didn’t end with motherhood, I promise. And in my honest opinion, it actually gets so much better.

Danielle Savory is a Master-Certified coach and pleasure expert helping women use their largest sex organ—their brain—for better sex and a more pleasure-filled life. The host of the “It’s My Pleasure” podcast, Danielle weaves together her background in neuroscience, her expertise in mindfulness and skills as a coach to help women rewire their brains and connect with their bodies for an empowering approach to their sexuality. Visit her website or follow her on Instagram @danielle.savory.