'I'm going crazy': Many older Americans struggling in retirement share 1 common trait — an unhappy marriage. Here's how it can tarnish your golden years (and how to avoid it yourself)
Barbara and Joe have it all: money, time and leisure. The retired couple from Connecticut should be enjoying their newfound freedom, especially after decades of hard work that took them from working class to upper-middle class.
But instead, they’re absolutely miserable, as detailed in a New York Times article. Joe spends all his time scrolling through Instagram watching funny animal videos, while Barbara tries to work on her passion project of selling clothes on eBay.
“I’m going crazy or going back to work, whichever comes first,” Barbara told the NYT.
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But it’s not the free time or the lack of direction that’s necessarily causing the hard time for Barbara and Joe, who are both in their mid-60s.
As noted in the NYT article — and according to a 32-year-long analysis by Mo Wang, a business professor at the University of Florida — the greatest predictor of an unhappy retirement is an unhappy marriage.
In addition, an unhappy marriage can also lead to greater financial issues during retirement. Here's how to avoid a similar situation.
Growth is essential
Although emotions often factor into major financial decisions, they become even more apparent when you’re retired and at home with your spouse all day.
After 40 years of going to the same place at the same time every day, neither of you may know what to do with your free time, just like Joe.
“Probably the biggest thing we try to teach people is: you're going to lose more than you gain and you need a way to replace these things,” retirement coach Robert Laura told Moneywise. “Because if you don't, you're going to feel out of sorts.”
Without rediscovering hobbies or partaking in social activities, Laura said that it’s easy to lose your sense of purpose — which will inevitably take a toll on your marriage.
A 2020 study found an easy way to navigate this relationship hurdle. Retirees who have a spouse that encourages them to try new things — called “self-expansion” — can positively impact their retirement satisfaction. This can be anything from encouraging your spouse to pick up a new hobby and making new friends to learning a second language.
After Barbara realized that Joe’s constant social media scrolling may be a sign of post-retirement depression, she decided to help him self-expand. He had always wanted to learn how to play the guitar, so they arranged to have him take lessons. Barbara even set him up with her music-loving ex-husband, who gave Joe tips on how to tune his guitar.
Now, Joe spends hours trying to learn Pearl Jam’s cover of “Last Kiss.” Not only is he busier and happier, but Barbara also feels more compassion toward him.
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How could this affect your wallet?
Another reason to find ways to support your partner in retirement is because of the possibility of another costly item: divorce.
In fact, people over 65 are the only age demographic seeing an increase in divorce, according to a 2022 academic article published in The Journals of Gerontology.
The average cost of divorce in 2024 ranges between $15,000 and $20,000 (not including possible alimony), according to Forbes. That’s a significant chunk of change at any age, but it’s particularly hard to swing when you’re living off retirement savings and Social Security.
This is where supporting your partner’s self-expansion can really help. It’s far less expensive to invest in guitar lessons or Spanish classes than getting divorced. Plus, the 2020 study discovered that this can improve your physical health, as well as your overall retirement satisfaction.
If things with your spouse can’t be fixed with guitar lessons, another investment to consider is couples therapy. It will cost you money, but it can help you and your spouse work through any issues that retirement has brought up.
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This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
