Hilarious Dad Jokes That'll Make You Laugh (Even As You Roll Your Eyes)
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Ah, dads. They're good at so many things, from manning the grill to changing a tire to giving you life advice. But don't forget their one-of-a-kind sense of humor, known as dad jokes. What is a dad joke, you ask? The meaning is simple: It's a pun, one-liner, or knock-knock joke that is so bad it's funny, often told by a dad or father figure. (Of course we love mom jokes too!) Don't be surprised if this special type of humor elicits eye rolls or even groans for the tweens and teens in the family.
Even though we may pretend to be annoyed by dad jokes, we secretly love these fatherly zingers that are so bad they’re good, and maybe even brilliant. (Deny it if you must, person who just Googled “funny dad jokes.”)
So, in honor of joke-telling dads everywhere, we present the best of the best corny dad jokes and puns, whether you need a few new one-liners to add to your own repertoire, are craving a good chuckle, or are looking for a good Father’s Day caption or dad quote to honor your hilarious pops. Get ready for the eye rolls, because we're coming in hot.
Reader Favorite Dad Jokes
I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner. Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Why did the old man fall down the well? He couldn’t see that well.
I tried to make up a joke about ghost but I couldn't. It had plenty of spirit but no body.
Dad: What is the difference between a piano, a tuna, and a pot of glue?
Me: I don't know.
Dad: You can tuna piano but you can't piano a tuna.
Me: What about the pot of glue?
Dad: I knew you'd get stuck on that.Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, "Do you have a favorite song?" The other replies, "Well... all my life I have been a heavy metal fan."
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to check her balance... So I pushed her over.
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher.
How many storm troopers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, because they are all on the dark side.
If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.
Hi, I’m Cliff. Drop over sometime.
Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor for a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had $1,999. Then the doctor said, "No wonder you're not feeling two grand!"
Dad, when he puts the car in reverse: "Ah, this takes me back."
What do you call the security guards for Samsung? Guardians of the galaxy.
I was making a joke about retirement. It did not work.
The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no word to describe how angry I am.
The owner of the tuxedo store kept hovering over me when i was browsing, so I asked him to leave me alone. He said, “Fine, suit yourself.”
Why did the egg have a day off? Because it was Fryday.
Have you ever heard about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up.
I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.
Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.
Why did the Rolling Stones stop making music? Because they got to bottom of the hill.
What is the best present? Broken drums! You can't beat them.
I made song about tortilla once, now it's more like a wrap.
Did you know courdury pillows are in style? They're making headlines.
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business.
Did you hear about the fragile myth? It was busted.
What word can you make shorter by adding two letters? Short.
What do call a criminal landing an airplane? Condescending.
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
Why do people who live in Greece hate waking up at dawn? Because Dawn is tough on Greece.
Fresh Dad Jokes
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it's just water.
Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.
Why are Christmas trees bad at knitting? They always drop their needles.
What did the lunch box say to the refrigerator? Don't hate me because I'm a little cooler.
What do you do to have a space party? You planet.
Why couldn’t the tree get on his computer? Because he could not log on.
What's a skeleton's favorite type of road? A dead end.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, just a little wine.
What did the alien say to the landscaper? Take me to your weeder.
Me: “I want to write when I grow up.”
Dad: “Why don’t you left instead?”How many apples grow on an apple tree? All of them.
What did Elvis say to his landscaper? Thank you for the mulch!
Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? He was too far out!
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom? Time to go to sweep.
The other day I was attacked by a bunch of circus clowns in a parking lot. I won though, cause I went right for the juggler.
I'd like to shout out sidewalks for keeping me off the streets.
What did the computer go to the doctor? Because he had a virus.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear.
Country Living Did you hear about the famous pickle? He's a really big dill.
I went on amazon to buy a lighter but all they had were 3,472 matches.
What do you need to make a highway in an art studio? A mile marker.
How does Vin Diesel keep in touch with the Fast and Furious crew? On a Zoom call.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
How much does a chimney cost. Nothing, it's on the house.
Why do only some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need one to go skydiving twice.
How do you make 7 even? Take away the S.
Why is sausage bad for you? It brings out the Wurst in people.
What do you call a broken clock? A waste of time.
Why did the teddy bear turn down a slice of cake. He was stuffed.
What's an astronaut's favorite board game? Moon-opoly
How do you make Budweiser? Send him to school.
What is Santa’s favorite state to visit? Ida Ho Ho Ho
Have you seen those traffic circles or driven around them? Well, they are pointless.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The P is silent.
Best Dad Jokes about Animals
What’s a dog’s favorite super hero? Labra-Thor.
I was walking down the beach when I heard a swimmer yelling for help with a shark circling him. I just laughed....I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
What do you say when a chicken is looking at salad? Chicken sees a salad.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
You are on a horse riding full gallop. Next to you is a giraffe at full gallop, and behind you is a lion on your tail. What do you do? Get off the carousel.
I had a horse named mayo, and mayo neighed.
What family does the zebra belong to? Can't say, none of the families in our neighborhood owns a zebra.
Country Living What is the cutest creature in the sea? A cuddlefish.
What do you call an elephant in a telephone booth? Stuck.
A man walked into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender said, "Does the animal talk?" And the parrot replied, "I don't know."
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a caterpillar? A little walkie-talkie.
Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fshhhh
A pony walks into a noisy bar and tries to order a beer. Bartender says “I can’t hear you! You’ll have to speak up!” Pony says: “Sorry! I’m a little horse!”
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show the possum it could be done.
Why aren’t dogs allowed in bars? Because they can’t control their licker!
Best Dad Jokes About Sports
Why did the baseball player get fired? He ran 3 bases then walked home.
Why don't fish play basketball? Because they're scared of the net.
"Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?" "In case they get a hole in one!"
"What does a sprinter eat before a race?" "Nothing, they fast!"
"My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punch line."
"I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"
Where do basketball players go when they need a uniform? New Jersey.
Why don't football players were glasses? It's a contact sport.
Country Living What's the best animal in soccer? A score-pion.
What's the difference between a quarterback and a baby? One takes a snap, one takes a nap.
I used to be addicted to basketball, but I rebounded.
Why can't pigs play soccer? They hog the ball.
Why shouldn't you play tennis in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.
What does a sports fan have in common with an angry chicken? A foul mouth.
Why couldn't the baby score in basketball? He was always dribbling.
Best Corny Dad Jokes
"I'm afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered."
"My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward."
"Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it's a soap opera."
"What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?" "They're both Paris sites."
"What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?" "Sofishticated."
"How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?" "You follow the fresh prints."
"If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?" "Pilgrims."
"I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along."
"How does dry skin affect you at work?" "You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it."
"What do you call a factory that makes okay products?" "A satisfactory."
"Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems."
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
"Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet."
"What did the ocean say to the beach?" "Nothing, it just waved."
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
"I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know y."
"How does the moon cut his hair?" "Eclipse it."
"What did one wall say to the other?" "I'll meet you at the corner."
"What did the zero say to the eight?" "That belt looks good on you."
"A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.'"
"Where do fruits go on vacation?" "Pear-is!"
"I asked my dog what's two minus two. He said nothing."
"What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?" "Where's Pop Corn?"
"What's the best thing about Switzerland?" "I don't know, but the flag is a big plus."
"Where do you learn to make a banana split?" "Sundae school."
"What has more letters than the alphabet?" "The post office!"
"Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
"What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less."
"I got carded at a liquor store, and my Blockbuster card accidentally fell out. The cashier said never mind."
"Where do boats go when they're sick?" "To the boat doc."
"I don't trust those trees. They seem kind of shady."
"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"
"How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."
"Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."
"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."
"What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."
"Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"
"Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."
"What did one hat say to the other?" "Stay here! I'm going on ahead."
"Why did Billy get fired from the banana factory? He kept throwing away the bent ones."
"Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
"Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."
"What does a lemon say when it answers the phone?" "Yellow!"
"This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
"What kind of car does an egg drive?" "A yolkswagen."
"Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."
"How does a taco say grace?" "Lettuce pray."
"What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."
"Why didn't the skeleton climb the mountain?" "It didn't have the guts."
"What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown."
"How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."
"I have a joke about chemistry, but I don't think it will get a reaction."
"What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"
"What does a bee use to brush its hair?" "A honeycomb!"
"How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."
"Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"
"What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."
"What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"
"How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."
"How did Harry Potter get down the hill?" "Walking. JK! Rowling."
Best One-Liner Dad Jokes
"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
"A guy walks into a bar... and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
"You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg."
"When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know..."
"Do you wanna box for your leftovers?" "No, but I'll wrestle you for them."
"That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted."
"Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them."
"If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"What country's capital is growing the fastest?" "Ireland. Every day it's Dublin."
"I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea."
"A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'"
"I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn't concentrate."
"I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands."
"Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist."
"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."
"Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."
"I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
"How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!"
"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"
"Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
"I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."
"I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."
"I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"
"I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."
"You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."
"What's brown and sticky? A stick."
"Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."
"What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
"What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."
"I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"
"What's the best smelling insect?" "A deodor-ant."
"I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice."
"Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"
"If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"
"I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."
"It takes guts to be an organ donor."
"If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"
"I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"
"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it."
Best Dad Joke Puns
"What did the vet say to the cat?" "How are you feline?"
"What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?" "A pouch potato!"
"What happens when M&M’s can’t agree on anything?" "They reach an M-passe."
"What do you call a fake noodle?" "An impasta."
"What do you call a belt made of watches?" "A waist of time."
"What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?" "Traffic jam."
"What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates."
"What do you call a pony with a sore throat?" "A little hoarse."
"Where do math teachers go on vacation?" "Times Square."
"Whenever I try to eat healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers."
"What does garlic do when it gets hot?" "It takes its cloves off."
"What's a robot's favorite snack?" "Computer chips."
"How much does it cost Santa to park his sleigh?" "Nothing, it's on the house."
"Mountains aren't just funny. They're hill areas."
"What do clouds wear?" "Thunderwear."
"Why are piggy banks so wise?" "They're filled with common cents."
"Why is Peter Pan always flying?" "He neverlands."
"How do you get a good price on a sled?" "You have toboggan."
"How can you tell if a tree is a dogwood tree?" "By its bark."
"I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me."
"It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."
"What do you call a hot dog on wheels?" "Fast food!"
"Where do young trees go to learn?" "Elementree school."
"Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."
"Can February March? No, but April May!"
"How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"
"Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."
"What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
"Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."
"I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."
"Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"
"When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
"I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
"What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."
"Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."
"Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."
"Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."
"What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."
"What did the fish say when he hit the wall? Dam."
"Is this pool safe for diving? It deep ends."
"If you see a crime happen at the Apple store, what does it make you?" "An iWitness."
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