Hey, Stop Being Nervous About Pooping at Your Partner’s House
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My elementary school era taught me many questionable lessons about what girls are stereotypically “supposed” to do. Wear delicate knits, learn and perform the High School Musical choreography at recess, read Junie B. Jones and fangirl relentlessly over Jesse McCartney and his “Beautiful Soul." But one thing girls definitely didn’t do, under any circumstances? Poop.
Now, as a grown woman who does, in fact, poop and who knows other woman-poopers, this remains a confounding piece of childhood trauma that many (not just me, I swear) carry into adulthood. In a small, anecdotal friend poll, I garnered that most women in their 20s would rather go back to school, pick up the phone when the DoorDasher calls, or be hunted by Michael Myers himself than take a teeny little dump…especially at their partner’s place.
And this is not unique to my friend group—a wild number of young women on Reddit, TikTok, and Diem are constantly seeking ways to avoid or hide the fact that they’re pooping at their significant other’s place. Women in new relationships all the way to those about to move in with their partners have been flocking to r/relationship_advice for years to ask different versions of the same question: How TF do I get comfy pooping around my partner?
Well, to that question, I beg to pose another: Why are we still so worried about this (literal) shit? Especially when, hi, everyone on planet Earth poops—it’s as critical to survival as breathing oxygen and drinking water. (And if you’re me…seasonally marathoning every episode of Lost.)
Listen, there was a time when I too was nervous to even fart in front of my boyfriend, convinced that if he ever smelled my gas, I would simply pass away. The first time I pooped at his apartment I loudly scrolled through clips of The Daily Show on YouTube to cover up the sound of the espresso-fueled rage that had been brewing (lol) since our coffee date. (Which, retrospectively, doesn’t make sense considering he probably would’ve caught onto the fact that I was doing something other than a simple pee if I was watching The Daily Show on the toilet…but that’s…besides the point. I was young and naive.)
As I emerged from the bathroom 10 minutes later covered in a sheen of sweat, I was surprised to realize he didn’t even acknowledge the fact that I was in my own personal fecal hell. Instead, he used his precious minutes alone to release all of his own farts as he scrolled through dinner options. That’s how I knew he was the one. I’m not trying to brag, I’m trying to convey what you deserve!
TikToker @kenziemadamss had a similar experience when, after coming back from what she thought was a sneaky poop sesh at the crack of dawn, her boyfriend went into the bathroom right after and (with a smile) asked, “Did you blow that bitch up?” Is this, in theory, exceptionally mortifying? Maybe!! But before you spiral, it’s actually an extremely green flag—a partner who will not only accept your poop habits but also gas you up (pun intended) because of them.
That said, consider this an invitation to turn your poop anxiety into a dating litmus test. Do they think your farts are NBD? Green flag. Do they have butt wipes in their bathroom? Green flag. Do they wait patiently and not try to rush you when you disappear into the Barnes and Nobles bathroom for 20 minutes? Green! flag!
Besides, if you’re dating a man, you likely already have to deal with a lot of little quirks. And by “little quirks,” I do mean incomprehensibly gross things. Pee on the toilet seat, “forgetting” to wipe their beard hairs off the sink, sweaty sheets if they run hot at night (and they do, you know they do). Annoying, yes. Deal-breakers, no. Plus, let’s level with each other: If they’re licking your butthole, they know that you have one and what it does.
If you’re still not convinced to take the dive—err, dump—let’s just look at the facts. Social media star and a general surgeon in the National Health Service Dr. Karan Raj says that denying yourself a trip to the bathroom can result in fluids from your poops getting absorbed into the colon, making said poops drier and harder. These dry, hard poops can then cause internal hemorrhoids or anal tissue tearing. You know what spoils a hot, hot date? Anal tissue tearing.
But I won’t ask you to hit the ground running without stretching first. It’s hard to unlearn years of thinking that pooping is somehow gross, bad, or unsexy. But FFS, don’t not poop. If you feel you must conceal this act at all costs during the early stages of your relationship, then okay, fine. Create a poop landing pad with some good ol’ fashioned toilet paper to avoid a big splashy noise. Flush as soon as you poop to cover up the smell and carry around a mini deodorizing spray. Get in and get out as quickly as possible.
But when things start to get serious between you—and this is going to sound harsh, bestie, but stay with me here—you need to get over it. If you’re going to spend your life together, one of you will, inevitably, at some point, take a shit, and the other one’s gonna know about it. If the fact that they poop isn’t a deal-breaker for you (like, think about how that sounds!), it’s not going to be for them, promise. (And if your poop anxiety is causing a major disruption in your life, pls consult your general care physician or a licensed therapist ASAP. You deserve a peaceful poo!)
Plus, if you’re dating a guy, you’re legally obligated to dismantle the patriarchy one poop at a time. Consider it your feminist doody.
Remember this mantra the next time your tummy starts to rumble while at their place: Hot girls shit. And if you need some motivation, remember that at least one of your faves on the red carpet has probably pooped at the Met Gala.
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