Do You "Gray Rock" in Work and Social Situations? Here's When It's Useful Versus Harmful
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/ɡreɪ rɑːkɪŋ/
No, this isn’t some reference to boomers seeing Dead & Company. It’s a lot quieter and less colorful. Gray rocking is a behavior that’s used when faced with a challenging person, like a narcissist or an abuser. Rather than responding as they normally would, the person experiencing the trauma becomes a “gray rock”—in other words, they make themselves less emotional, reactive, and vulnerable. In turn, the narcissist or abuser becomes less interested in their subject (think, in a morbid example, how prey might “play dead” in the face of a predator).
“A lot of people do this automatically,” explains Christina Rasmussen, a grief educator and author of Invisible Loss. “Even if they’re just a little triggered, they mute themselves—responding in quick sentences, not sharing feelings, not being themselves.” It’s also more common than you’d think. Rasmussen says we even do it in places like the office. Have you ever sent an email instead of calling your nightmarish colleague or walking over to their desk? That’s a form of gray rocking because of the distance it creates. Employed like that in small doses, gray rocking can be a useful tool. It’s a helpful piece of protection against narcissists you have quick interactions with—like when your racist uncle is on his latest soapbox at the family reunion.
It may be harmless to engage in this behavior sporadically. And it’s not inherently bad to use gray rocking as a safeguard (especially for those in abusive situations). But, according to Rasmussen, you want to avoid autopiloting on this method: “This is not a long-term solution. It’s a quick escape method,” she says. “If it becomes automatic, then you lose your original, authentic self.” Take time to remind yourself of who you really are, spending time with someone who knows the real you or doing something you’ve always loved—trauma-busting homework that’s actually fun!
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