Gifts, Santa and holiday burnout: The parents' guide to Christmas

First things first: It's perfectly OK to admit that you're feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. The emotional labor behind sending out Christmas cards. The gift buying. The gift wrapping. The baking. The frantic hunt for ugly Christmas sweaters and festive headwear because your kid waited until this morning to tell you it's a dress-up day at school.

The holidays can be A LOT. They're also loaded with parenting land mines exacerbated by social media. Are you a bad mom if you don't sacrifice sleep to create an elaborate Elf on the Shelf tableau for your kids to wake up to every morning? When did kids start needing $50 Advent calendars? And if your favorite momfluencer is giving her kids only a few handmade, all-natural trinkets to teach them the real meaning of Christmas, what does it say about you and your linen closet stuffed with slime kits and Ryan's World merch?

Consider this a guide to parents' top Christmas concerns, with expert advice on keeping the holidays merry and bright without burning out.

Elf on the Shelf

If you haven't already spent the last couple of weeks arranging Hershey's Kisses "poop" and other bizarre Elf on the Shelf scenes for your kids to discover — or threatening them that their Elf is going to snitch to Santa if they don't turn off Blippi right this minute — there's not really a reason to start now. In fact, there are lots of parents who flat-out refuse to partake in the Elf on the Shelf holiday mischief, in which an elf doll kids can't touch reports back on their behavior ahead of Christmas, all while turning up in crafty little displays each day. For some, the pressure to create these displays (with or without the help of pricey craft kits) is too great; for others, the thought of using a doll to police their kids' behavior leaves a bad taste.

Speaking to Yahoo Life in 2021, family therapist Michelle Tangeman said that Elf on the Shelf, if parents opt to buy one, should be about fun and not discipline. "It's really unfortunate that the Elf on the Shelf is being used as a way to manipulate and control behavior," she said. "I think the holidays should be a time to really focus on family and enjoying the holiday spirit." In other words, teaching kids that their Elf is spying on them isn't the best idea. Parents may also consider loosening up the rules and pressure around the Elf; maybe it's just a toy that kids can play with during the holidays and one that might occasionally pop up, say, hiding in a wad of silly string. It's also OK to not buy one at all. If a kid asks why their friends have an Elf and they don't, parents can casually explain that every family has different traditions and beliefs, and then move on.

As it happens, economist and Cribsheet author Emily Oster tackled the effectiveness of Elf on the Shelf in her ParentData newsletter this week. Her conclusions: "Elf on the Shelf isn’t likely to work, not in the broad sense of improving your child’s overall behavior." Oster also noted that the toy "might be in some way harmful" due to its messaging about surveillance and shame-based discipline.

Santa Claus

If you raise your kids to believe that it's Santa bringing their gifts, are you breaking their trust? Does skipping the Santa story mean skimping on the holiday magic? And what happens when your kid's best friend breaks the news during recess that it's all a con?

In a new article for Yahoo Life, psychologists who work with kids explain why there's no right way to "do" (or not do) Santa — and there's no reason to think that holiday traditions that don't include St. Nick are any less magical or meaningful. Ultimately, it's about what works best for your family, whether that's making an annual visit to "Santa's Village" each year and making a show of leaving out (and secretly eating) cookies for the jolly red fellow, leaning instead on faith-based traditions or just telling kids from the get-go that mom and dad do all the legwork (but to not spoil their Santa-believing friends' fun).

"If you get into the spirit of Santa, and it fills your cup as a parent, great, but if it feels like an obligation and takes away from joy or connection, then you don’t have to fulfill it or can downplay it or keep it minimal,” says clinical child psychologist Tori Cordiano.

If you've gone the Santa route and the kids are beginning to figure out the truth, there are ways to break the news gently. As Yahoo Life reported in 2021, kids may shrug it all off, or they may express confusion or hurt feelings. According to professor and child psychologist Neha Navsaria, parents should respond by focusing less on trying to problem-solve and more on connecting with their kid and acknowledging their feelings.

"As a parent, it's a natural response to provide all the reasons why you went along with the story of Santa Claus and to want to solve the problem quickly," she shared. "However, it's important to slow down, fight this urge to reason and problem-solve and put yourself in your child's shoes." One way to do this is by sharing how you yourself found out about Santa.

This is also an opportunity to introduce new traditions that don't necessarily involve Santa. Including your child in these decisions can build back trust and help them have a voice in the magical holiday elements they most enjoy. Learning that Santa doesn't visit every kid, for instance, could lead to thinking of ways to help less fortunate kids by, essentially, "playing Santa" for them.

One final Santa concern: What to do if you feel uncomfortable during those visits to see Santa at the mall. If you're not OK with making your kid sit on Santa's lap, or don't find the humor in seeing a wailing child being forced to pose for a photo, don't hesitate to opt out or set boundaries. It's a personal decision, and ultimately, you know your kid — and their comfort levels — best.

Gifts

So your little one's letter to Santa isn't so much a modest list as it is a stack of toy catalogs with 99% of the items circled. Or maybe your teen has said that her life will be ruined if she doesn't get the Lululemon gear she wants. Your wallet is feeling the pinch, and what's more, you're concerned that your kids are acting spoiled. What to do?

One approach some parents — including Erin and Ben Napier — swear by is "want, need, wear, read." In other words, kids get four gifts: something fun they want, something practical they need, a clothing item and a book. It's a strategy those who practice it say has helped them keep gift buying in check while helping their family stay focused on the spirit, not the spending, of the season.

But it's not for everyone. Speaking to Yahoo Life last year, Susan G. Groner, author of Parenting with Sanity & Joy and host of the Parenting Mentor podcast, called the "want, need, wear, read" approach "a little too specific." What if your child isn't a reader, for instance? And if they truly need an item, like new socks or winter gloves, why wait until the holidays?

Groner prefers a more child-led approach to gift giving. “Have your children give you their holiday gift list,” she suggested. “If there’s something you think is a little out there, ask them about it. Ask them what about that item is appealing to them. That way you learn about their reasoning and even more about them as your child.” Ultimately, she adds, "the holidays are magical, and you have to find that balance between budget and joy."

Another option is to gift kids meaningful experiences — like a voucher for a fun family activity or a gift card for their favorite restaurant — rather than toys they will inevitably discard after a few minutes of play, Catherine Pearlman, social worker, author and founder of the Family Coach told Yahoo Life in 2021. Parents should also consider how their year-round habits shape the "I want, I want, I want" mentality around Christmas.

"Stop buying your kids gifts every time they go to Target or a little something at Starbucks — then they become more grateful for what they get at the holiday time," Pearlman said. If a kid seems overly greedy or obsessed with what Santa might be bringing, it's probably time for a talk that shifts the focus to the traditions and values — gathering with loved ones, taking part in beloved holiday activities, helping others have a wonderful Christmas — that matter most right now. Parents can also encourage kids to clear out their closets for a holiday coat drive or sign up to buy presents for a child in need.

Holiday stress

A lot of holiday stress comes down to feeling pressure to make everything perfect: spending too much money on gifts, going to extreme lengths to make everything feel magical and taking on more than is realistic. It's easy to experience burnout.

According to Pearlman, the best way to avoid this is to take things off your plate — specifically, the events, tasks and expectations that aren't really serving you or your family.

"Set the tone for everyone in your family," Pearlman advised. "If you see your neighbor is very chill and really focused on just a couple of things and you're running around like a chicken without your head on asking, 'Why am I doing this?' You'll wish you'd planned to alleviate everybody's stress by prioritizing and delegating and thinking a little bit more about what's important at the holiday."

For more holiday parenting advice, including teaching kids about why not everyone celebrates Christmas, read on here.