Gary Brown: Getting the poop on birds' attraction to cars

I have a poop problem.

This may sound a bit vulgar – "low register," as an online slang dictionary termed it – but I bought a new car and birds are pooping all over it.

Yes, I know, the word "poop" and its variations probably are not proper words to use for bird droppings in adult humor, but I like saying it, so let's all pretend we're sophomores in high school. Or more likely grade schoolers.

Now we can move on to the point where we might giggle at the idea that my new car is starting to look like poop.

I got in my car the other day and I spotted a lot of bird poop. In fact, bird poop was all over it. Doors panels. The hood. The top. It was spread in a pattern though. I don't want to create any conspiracy theories, but it was as if the birds wanted to poop on my car and were sending a message with their pooping. It wasn't just a biological need.

"Birds will often confuse their own reflections for competing birds," explained an online article at PowerNation.com that I looked up by googling "Why do birds poop on cars?"

"So on top of droppings, you might also find small pecks and scratches on your rear-view mirrors from birds that mistake themselves for potential rivals. Lastly, birds, like many other animals will defecate as a means to mark their territory."

Hey, my car is MY territory. I've got payments to prove it. And you don't see me pooping on the hood to mark it.

Why certain cars are 'poop magnets'

Anyway, according to evidence referred to in an online posting about bird pooping at Quora.com, "birds are indeed attracted to certain colors."

Red cars were called "poop magnets," but blue cars, like the one I bought, are their second choice, according to research done by people who have a job that I really wouldn't want – poop counting.

So, I suppose I should take the bird poop as kind of a compliment. Their pooping on my car is means they like the color, which not only is blue, it's called "cosmic blue pearl." I'm assuming "cosmic blue pearl" is a better blue, a more attractive blue to birds, especially when theyt're pooping.

Certainly it's a shiny blue because it's new and because it was raining for a handful of days before it was pooped on. Much of any dust on it had been washed away in the rainstorms.

Looking back, I thought I saw birds flying over it, staring at it and nodding toward it, and maybe even pointing their wingtips at it the last time I turned into the driveway to park my car in front of the garage.

So, I've got one tip for you. Don't wash your car! Keep it dirty, so birds see nothing but dullness and not themselves. Keep your cars so covered with so much grime that even the birds will want to scribble in "Wash this car! It's my bathroom ..."

You'll thank me. Taking my advice ought to free up a sunny afternoon for golfing or going to a ball game.

Well, maybe wash it anyway

Ironically, more information I found out in research educated me on the actual need for washing my car, at least after it had been pooped on.

"More than just unsightly, bird droppings and some kinds of tree sap are bad news for your car's paintwork," said a posting at shell.com. "Due to their acidic nature, they eat away at the paint and clear coat, leaving etch marks and other damage. ... With the acids in tree sap and bird droppings capable of damaging paint within minutes, you need to act quickly to get them off."

Which is why I've been keeping a close and suspicious eye on birds where I live. It puts a whole paranoid meaning on birdwatching.

It dawns on me after reading references online that "bird droppings" might have been a more accurate term to use than "poop." But, the third-grader in me has enjoyed using the word "poop," so I won't apologize.

Besides, I told you at the start I was going to refer to poop a lot, as well as the poopers. If you've gotten this far it'as almost like you've read and signed the contract.

And, a contract perhaps is an appropriate agreement to apply to this topic.

If the birds in my area don't start being more friendly and finding some other place to drop their poop, I might put out a contract on them.

Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP.

This article originally appeared on The Alliance Review: Here's the poop on birds' attraction to cars