Friend keeps cancelling plans, is their friendship worth keeping? | 20-40-60 etiquette

QUESTION: I have a friend who rarely commits and usually cancels plans we have made. It hurts my feelings. Should I continue to give this person a place in my life? Is there a way to confront her directly, and let her know that this behavior is not acceptable to me?

CALLIE’S ANSWER: As someone who has young kids I get this on both sides. It is so hard to find the time away but also you want to be invited. Keep asking, this might just be a very busy season in her life. Plus, this season of sickness I feel like has been never ending. Don't give up!

LILLIE-BETH’S ANSWER: I can understand the hurt feelings, and I am not sure how to tell you to proceed. You can ask if she is upset with you because you have noticed that she consistently cancels plans. But you can also approach it with empathy asking her if everything is OK and whether she has something difficult going on in her life.

If you want to see her keep asking — she may be so busy and overwhelmed with family obligations that she doesn’t have time to plan anything. I realize there are still unknowns but over time, you might figure out that she is overwhelmed or simply just doesn’t have space to continue your friendship. Be open to a conversation if she’s willing, and also be open to picking the friendship back up again at a different point in life as there was a reason you were friends in the first place.

It’s hard not to take that personally but try not to as circumstances and needs change. For now, know that this is her current pattern and don’t ask her to things that require reservations or a ticket.

HELEN’S ANSWER: Does your friend have small children? A sick parent? A reason that may require her to cancel at the last minute? Canceling plans does happen and it is inconvenient when it happens. If you feel like it must be talked about, then bring it up gently and politely. Let her know that if it is something you have done, you want to make it right. But, you can also let her know that it is very hard to get someone to take her place when she cancels.

Your feelings in this are very important. You can ask what she plans to do about this. Does she want your friendship to continue? How can you both make it better?

GUEST’S ANSWER: Christina Nihira, community leader: The situation that you describe is no doubt challenging and taxing on your emotional health. Given the fact that it’s affecting your relationship, take a minute to understand your own feelings. Ask yourself if there’s an underlying reason (think childcare, sick relative, job pressures) that could cause this recurrent pattern of behavior. Then find a private time to have an honest conversation with your friend. Diplomatically, explain to he/she that the lack of time together and numerous cancellations makes you question your friendship.

Provide a couple examples of when there was a cancellation and how it made you feel. Having an open dialogue provides a chance for them also to explain their perspective. Hopefully the discussion strengthens your friendship and your pal is more considerate of your time. If not, it may be time to reevaluate where things stand and what course to take going forward.

Since 2009, Callie, Lillie-Beth and Helen have written this generational etiquette column. They also include guest responses from a wide range of ages each week. So many years later, Callie is 20-plus; Lillie-Beth is 40-plus and Helen is 60-plus. To ask an etiquette question, email helen.wallace@cox.net.

This article originally appeared on Oklahoman: A friend who cancels a lot of plans may need an honest conversation