The “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” Can Signal the End of Your Relationship Is Near...
You might want to think twice before insulting your partner next time they accidentally do something to piss you off. Why? Because name-calling is an act of criticism, which (beyond just being, well, a little mean) is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” aka: one of the four negative communication styles that can indicate the end of a relationship is imminent. Coined by psychologist Dr. John Gottman, the Four Horsemen are named after a metaphor in the Bible that signaled the “end of times”—conquest, war, hunger, and death. When it comes to your relationship, however, the Four Horsemen are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
That said, your relationship doesn't have to be on its last legs for these behaviors to be present, explains certified Gottman Institute sex and relationships therapist Laura Heck, LMFT. “These behaviors are present in every relationship,” she explains, but for some couples, they can wreak havoc. Those in healthy partnerships are able to identify and repair how they address their conflicts, so the Four Horsemen don’t need to be deal breakers. The key is identifying them early enough and being willing to work on them together.
You do that by implementing what Heck calls “antidotes,” but first, you have to know how to identify the behaviors to begin with. Here’s what to know about them, what to do if you notice them in your relationship, and how to work on them with your partner.
The First Horseman: Criticism
In short, criticism is a poorly-constructed complaint you verbally make about your partner, to them. “It's okay to complain in your relationship, but it's not okay to criticize,” Heck says. The difference? When criticizing your partner, you’re taking an issue that you have and you’re attaching it to your partner’s overall character, Heck explains.
For example: If you’re frustrated that your partner keeps leaving their used coffee mugs on the counter, you might criticize them by saying, “You’re too lazy and self-centered to pick up your mug and put it in the dishwasher.” Kind of harsh, no? It takes away from the point and from what you really want from them, which is to just put the mug away. “This is just a really poorly-constructed verbalization of your need,” Heck explains. But—good news—there’s a way around this.
The Antidote to Criticism
Again, “it's okay to complain in the relationship, we just want to do it where we're not attacking our partner's character,” Heck says. Instead, gently address the issue by stating what your pain is and what you need. For example, you could say, “I feel overwhelmed when the dishes are on the counter. I would love it if you put your dishes in the dishwasher when you were done using them.” Ultimately, you state your needs without your partner feeling attacked.
"If you're gentle and you're soft, it brings your partner to open their ears up. That's what the goal is here,” Heck says. “When you're critical, you're not setting your partner up for success. But when you're gentle, it makes it a whole lot easier for them to hear you and to accept responsibility.”
The Second Horseman: Defensiveness
Defensiveness enters the chat when you perceive an attack on your character from your partner, and it usually comes up in one of two ways. The first is hearing your partner’s complaint about you and launching a counter-attack, says Heck. For example, if your partner calls you “lazy” because you didn't put away your mug, you might say something about how they're the lazy one. Maybe you’ll point out that the garbage is overflowing and they haven’t even glanced at it. “You're not getting to the heart of the issue. You're launching a counter attack,” Heck says.
The second way to show defensiveness is by playing the innocent victim. You might respond to a complaint by saying something like, “You’re right! I can’t do anything right,” blaming yourself entirely with sarcasm and anger. Ultimately, the real problem is that you're not hearing your partner, taking on all the responsibility or none at all.
The Antidote To Defensiveness
The solution to this issue is to take on some responsibility so that your partner knows you’re listening to them, and making an effort to change your behavior. Of course, this takes two, and your partner should also re-work the way they verbalize their complaints (see: criticism). If your partner says they feel overwhelmed by the dishes left on the counter, you might reply, “You're right. I have a tendency to just leave my dishes out. I’ll be better about it next time.”
“You’re not taking total responsibility for everything,” Heck says, but with this response, you’re acknowledging that there’s truth in what your partner said. This can immediately diffuse the situation and make it easier for you two to have a better, more productive conversation.
The Third Horseman: Contempt
According to Heck, contempt is the most dangerous and toxic horseman in relationships, and it usually comes up in more seasoned relationships rather than newer ones. Why? Because it’s a feeling of superiority that “grows over time,” Heck says. You might feel that you’re smarter, neater, better looking, or harder working than your partner. “It's almost as if you're standing above, taller than your partner and looking down on them.”
Contempt might come out in the form of snide remarks, eye-rolling, sarcasm, or name-calling, but it’s also a mindset. “Your partner may not feel like you're being contemptuous, but you have contemptuous thoughts, and that can be really toxic in the relationship,” Heck says. Overall, it’s just this concept that you’re above or better than the person you’re dating.
The Antidote To Contempt
It might sound cliche to focus on the positives, but in this case, it rings true. “The way to eradicate contempt from a relationship is to create a culture of appreciation, especially if you’re often having thoughts that you’re better than your partner,” Heck says. Look for the good things in their character, the things you adore and appreciate, then verbalize them to your partner. Remember the reasons you fell in love in the first place? Try to keep them top of mind.
It’s all about mindfulness. “If you’re looking for the negatives, that’s what you’re going to see, and you will have contempt,” Heck explains. But if you’re scanning your environment for the positives, you’ll find them. “It can take time to shift your mindset away from contempt into appreciation, but it's so worth it,” she says.
The Fourth Horseman: Stonewalling
ICYDK, stonewalling is when you’re physically present with your partner, but completely shutting down verbally and mentally—like they’re talking to a stone wall. “It's demonstrating through your body that you're disinterested. You might cross your arms, you might look away, you're not responding to your partner,” Heck says. It's basically like clamming up. Your partner can’t reach you with their words, so it often leads to an escalation of the argument through harsher words and raised voices.
“Stonewalling is really a poor attempt at self-soothing,” Heck says. You can feel yourself bubbling over with emotion, so you shut your mouth and mind off so that you can’t express how you feel. But TBH, “not saying anything at all without indicating to your partner that you’re checking out of a conversation only makes matters worse,” Heck says.
The Antidote To Stonewalling
Ultimately, you want to recognize where your limits are when you feel emotionally flooded, Heck says. “What I coach people to do is to be aware of your body. If you start raising your voice, pacing, and name-calling, these are all good indications that you're probably heading toward fight-or-flight,” Heck says, which can cause you to shut down and stonewall.
At that point, you can take yourself out of the conversation with your partner and let them know that you need a quick break to collect yourself. You can say, “I would really love to go for a walk and when I get back from my walk, I'd love to talk to you more.” Taking a step away will help you bring your heart rate down, self-soothe, and breathe. Trust: You’ll be in a more logical mindset for a productive conversation with your partner when you’re ready.
Ultimately, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse might sound pretty scary (no one likes to think of their relationship as an apocalypse), but you and your partner can overcome them if you work together and put in equal effort—and of course, if you still have love for each other and a genuine desire to work on your relationship. Couples therapy is a wonderful place to start if you feel you need a professional, unbiased third party to provide additional support and guide you through these tough conversations, especially if that’s something you both struggle with on your own.
But remember: You deserve to be in a happy, non-toxic, healthy partnership, and if these hurtful communication styles are too overpowering, and/or your partner is unwilling to contribute to their solutions, don’t be afraid to take a step back and pursue what’s best for you, even if that means walking away.
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