Finally, the invention we've all been waiting for: Hands-free, slip-in shoes
In spite of myself I’m intrigued.
Yes, I too have spent an entire lifetime facing the drudgery, the tedium, the agony of having to bend over to put on my shoes. And I’m sure I’m not the only one. I know there are hedge fund managers and movie stars and all sorts of people living the life of ease and luxury who nevertheless must bend over like a common automobile mechanic when donning footwear.
Is this not the United States of America, sworn enemy of minor inconveniences?
Well, fortunately, this form of mild discomfort is over. As you have surely noticed, you can’t miss it, shoe manufacturers are boasting of — well, I’ll let the shoemaker Kizik tell it:
“The easiest shoe you'll ever put on. No tying, no pulling, no heel crushing, no hands. Never bend down to put on shoes again.”
Finally, a shoe design for people who found Velcro to be too much of a burden.
Really, shoe companies are treating this development with the same delirious ecstasy that the Wright Brothers must have felt after their first flight.
Go to the Skechers website and there’s 400-year-old Martha Stewart, photoshopped to within an inch of her life (“Martha Stewart Living” used to be a magazine; now it’s a news bulletin), assuring us that we need never touch a dirty, gross, disgusting pair of shoes again.
Off-topic, but I can’t let it rest: One of Martha Stewart’s — who for some reason is now more ubiquitous in the ad-world food chain than plankton — other gigs is for potting soil. So to review: Shoe dirt bad; dirt dirt good. Whatever.
Skechers promises “Just step in. No touching shoes. No bending over. Putting on your shoes has never been easier.” Well, thank heaven for that. To think that after 300,000 years of existence, mankind is lacing up its footwear, just like Otzi the Iceman, remains a stain on the human race that will not be frowned upon by 30th-century anthropologists.
If the technology is too much to grasp, never fear. Skechers has an image of a foot going into a shoe with a dotted line and an arrow showing the heel’s path. Toes still go into these shoes first, just so there’s no confusion.
Skechers invites us to learn more about their “hands free technology,” and being eager to learn how they were able to pull off such a miracle I clicked the link, only to find another picture of Martha, looking even younger, and the same ad copy that was on the previous page. And then this weird line: “Hands-free technology paired with Stretch Fit® uppers for nearly seamless sock-like comfort.”
But of course! What good are hands-free shoes if you still have to bend over to put on your socks? Rats. Clothing is always one step ahead. We’re right back where we started, aren’t we?
Like nuclear fusion, hands-free, step-in sock technology still seems years away.
Yet none of this commentary should be interpreted to mean that I wouldn’t want a pair of step-in shoes myself. As a little boy, I left all my shoes tied and then tried to step into them without all the complexities of lacing up every morning.
This resulted in many crushed shoe heels and, in terms of work, took about three times the amount of time and effort that simply bending over and tying my shoes from scratch would have taken.
Interestingly, there was an early prototype of step-in technology in the 1970s, in the form of a shoe horn with a really long handle. Today, compared with the space-age skechers, it has the crude, primitive visage of a horse-drawn plow in comparison with a John Deere.
Nevertheless, I desperately wanted one, but my parents — who believed in the hard work ethic produced by tying your own shoes — would never spring for one. It took a half century and a company that doesn’t know how to spell “sketch” to prove me right.
What if politicians were forced, by law, to tell the truth? Wouldn't it be fun to find out
Tim Rowland is a Herald-Mail columnist.
This article originally appeared on The Herald-Mail: Hate bending over to put on your shoes? Help is on the way
