Family fights don't have to ruin Thanksgiving. Try these strategies to keep the peace

Too often, the problem with Thanksgiving family get-togethers is that the family gets together.

“Whole movies and TV episodes have been built around the idea of a holiday family conflict,” said Dr. Matthew Kridel, a licensed psychologist and an assistant professor in Augusta University’s Department of Psychiatry and Health Behavior.

Family gatherings, especially with relatives you see infrequently, have a way of drawing out tension. Clashing views on religion, politics and current events can escalate to fights that could ruin a holiday meal.

There are ways to avoid this, but results may vary. Finding the right way depends on the situation, Kridel said. It varies from family to family, and it depends on the disputed conversation topic.

Here are strategies you can use to help assure that your peaceful Thanksgiving stays peaceful:

Stop conflicts before they start

“The first step, if you really want to ameliorate it entirely, might be to sit down with these family members before the occasion and say, ‘Can we agree on the things we’re not going to talk about? Can we agree on some ground rules?’” Kridel said. “It might not even be saying, ‘We're not going to talk about these things.’ It might be instead deliberately steering the conversation toward other subject matters like plans or hobbies or family memories.”

Change the subject courteously

Sometimes the easiest solution is to address behavior in the moment. It can be asking someone to change the subject or by replying “I’m not going to engage.”

“I think the important thing regardless is to try to remain respectful,” Kridel said. “Once things dissolve into name calling or insulting or personal attacks, then it becomes that much harder to change course.”

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Try music

Restaurants pipe in music to create a special dining environment. That also could work around the Thanksgiving table.

"Play music at dinner, perhaps with each family member taking a turn at choosing the selection,” according to the Family Dinner Project, a Boston nonprofit that advocates regular home dining as a way for families to more closely connect. “Music can trigger a relaxation response and create a special mood.”

Don’t be part of the problem

Maybe it’s not other relatives who are causing the problems. Maybe it’s you. Even innocently posed questions could be a spark for increased tension – “So when are you two getting married?”

Watch what you say, according to the Family Dinner Project. Situations that are wise to avoid, or at least kept to a minimum, include teaching manners at the table or badgering students about their academic performance.

Think of the children

Mealtime arguments sometimes escalate to a point where it’s unsuitable for younger children. Asking, “Can we have this conversation away from the kids or at a different time?” could establish common ground.

“That’s one thing that everyone can sort of agree on, that everyone can share the value of caring about their family,” Kridel said. “If you come at it with that approach and want this to be a time to enjoy each other and not to fight each other.”

This article originally appeared on Augusta Chronicle: Thanksgiving fights can be avoided by following this expert advice