Dirty Talk Can Have Legit Long-Term Benefits For Your Relationship, Say Sex Experts

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Picture this: You and your date are back at their apartment, clothes are coming off, and then, as you’re making your way to the bed, they whisper, “Talk dirty to me.” For most, this is a dream come true. A whopping 91 percent of people admit to fantasizing about dirty talk, sexuality researcher Justin Lehmiller found in a study he conducted for his book Tell Me What You Want. So if you get off being called a “nasty sl*t,” you’re in good—er, naughty—company.

What is it exactly that makes talking dirty during sex so hot? “Dirty talk is taboo, and what is taboo is often also arousing,” says AASECT-certified sex therapist Dr. Stephanie Buehler, PsyD.

Dirty talk can also be a great way for people to explore aspects of their sexual fantasies and desires. “Sexy talk can help a person feel more comfortable with their sexual selves and help them explore different sexual activities or topics before acting on them,” says L. Kris Gowen, PhD, a sexuality educator, researcher, and co-host of the podcast B4U Swipe.

Meet the Experts: Stephanie Buehler, PsyD, is a licensed psychologist, AASECT-certified sex therapist, and director of The Buehler Institute.

L. Kris Gowen, PhD, is a sexuality educator, researcher, and co-host of the podcast B4U Swipe.

But while dirty talk is a common fantasy, actually getting those naughty thoughts across doesn’t come naturally to everyone. It may even feel awkward or uncomfortable, but here’s the good news: Dirty talk is a lot easier than you think! There’s no science to it; plus, finding the exact right words isn’t nearly as important as striking the right tone and simply getting your feelings across.

So if you’re ready to add some naughty phrases to your arousal arsenal, ahead, sex experts explain exactly how to talk dirty and offer some scripts to get you started.

How do I talk dirty?

Okay, you’re sold on the idea of dirty talk…but how do you get started? By following these simple steps, you’ll be a pro in no time.

1. Introduce the idea to your partner.

Before trying anything new in the bedroom, it’s always important to negotiate with your partner, first. After all, dirty talk isn’t for everyone. And even if they’re up for it—in theory—there may be some words or phrases that might be triggering and that they’d like you to avoid.

“The best way to negotiate dirty talk is to begin by thinking about what it is that you might like,” says Buehler. “Do you want to be the speaker? Do you want your partner to talk dirty to you? Or do you want to talk dirty to each other? Do you just want to experiment to see what works?”

Once you’ve figured out your desires, you need to communicate them to your partner. “Give your partner some examples of what you’d like to say or to hear, and perhaps even at what point you’d like that to happen during sex,” says Buehler.

2. Ease into it with sexting.

Getting started with dirty talk via text can feel a lot less intimidating than talking dirty IRL, so practicing with some sexting is a great way to get comfortable with the idea. Having the added distance of a screen can also make it easier to speak up if your partner says something that doesn’t work for you.

To start a sexting convo, you can ask something as simple as, “I dreamed about you last night, would you like to hear about it?” Or, “I just took a hot photo, would you like to see?” This is not only a great way to gain consent to sext, but build anticipation as well. When sexting, “keep the conversation light and playful, and if your partner suggests something you don’t think you’d like, simply say so without shaming [them],” says Buehler.

If the idea of group play piques your interest, sexting can be a safer way to start exploring that, too. “Thanks to group text/chat, hot talk doesn’t have to be limited to two people,” says Gowan.

3. Let your dirty talk intensify slowly.

Just like allowing the physical parts of sex to progress slowly, you probably don’t want to go zero to 100 with your dirty talk either. Instead, let it support everything else that’s happening in the bedroom. In other words, don’t feel the need to tell your partner something ~spicy~ while going at it if it doesn’t feel natural to you in the heat of the moment.

But if the timing does feel right, dirty talk is a great way to increase both your emotional and physical connection. In fact, erotic talk can boost sex drive and arousal, per a Women’s Health UK report.

“Because dirty talk can increase arousal, it can also make an orgasm more intense,” says Buehler. “For some people, the dirtier the talk, the better the orgasm, especially if the dirty talk plays right into their most secret sexual desire.” And a better orgasm doesn't just have an immediate payoff—it may mean more sexual satisfaction, which can, in turn, create more relationship satisfaction, Buehler adds.

It's true that orgasms can feel ah-mazing, but what exactly is an orgasm? A sex expert explains:

4. Focus on your turn-ons.

“Dirty talk can reveal fantasy material, which brings in the erotic imagination for both partners,” says Buehler. “Sharing this material can increase not only arousal, but intimacy and closeness as they learn more about each other’s sexual wants and needs,” she explains.

So focusing on your turn-ons is not only practical, but it can benefit your sexual experience and connection, too. One easy way to point out your wants and needs is simply by giving feedback and making requests in the moment. “Dirty talk [is] a kind of ‘call and response’ partners can [use to] communicate to each other that they are enjoying the activity,” says Buehler. “For example, one might say, ‘Do it faster!’ and the other [might respond] with, ‘Oh yeah, you like it like that, don’t you?’ It’s a fun, hot way to let each other know that [you’re] into the experience and getting turned on.”

5. Explore impossible fantasies.

Dirty talk is the perfect way to enjoy fantasies that are impossible to enact in real life, or that you simply enjoy the idea of, more than the actual thing. Want to share a fantasy about living on a deserted island where there are only the two of you? Or, want to pretend that a party is winding down and there are only a few of you left and things get more playful? “Because hot talk can be about fantasy, it can offer people a way to play in a certain domain without wanting to, or being able to, engage in those behaviors,” says Gowan.

To try this, simply negotiate a scenario with your partner with the agreement that it’s fantasy only. For example, during sex, your partner could talk about the friend they’ve invited over to join in, who will be there any minute. Maybe they describe each act this third person is going to do to you, and how hot it will be to watch.

What can I say during IRL dirty talk?

Dirty talk doesn’t have to involve elaborate fantasies or a rich imagination. You can simply narrate what you’re thinking, how you’re feeling, and what you’d like to do next. Remember: Simply hearing the words out loud can be a huge turn-on—no need to get fancy with it.

If the idea of dirty talk still sounds a bit scary, don’t worry. Ahead, here are some actual phrases you can try on for size during five phases of play, inspired by the experts. (Feel free to customize each saying to make it your own!)

To build anticipation before getting busy, say or sext...

• “I can’t wait to get you out of your clothes tonight.”

• “I’m so wet right now.”

• “Do you know what I’d like to do to you later?”

• “Are you ready for what we’re going to do together?”

• “I’ve been thinking about our date all week.”

• “I went shopping in anticipation for our date…”

• “Would you like to see pictures of what I’m thinking of wearing?”

• “Remember what we did last time? I’d like to try something similar tonight…”

• “I read a [book/article] that’s given me a few ideas for things to try. Want to hear them?”

• “How about we recreate that scene from [insert movie title] you love so much?”

In the heat of the moment, try these mood-enhancers...

• “Yes, keep going.”

• “Wow, you look so hot right now!”

• “I need you to take me now!”

• “Please give me more.”

• “Harder, please!”

• “Yes, I’m coming!”

• “I need you inside me.”

• “Please touch me there.”

• “That feels amazing.”

• “Yes, yes, yes!”

To offer positive reinforcement or feedback, share...

• “I loved it when you [verb] my [noun]. Can you do it again?”

• “The way you’re touching me right now has me on the edge.”

• “You’re the best, baby. Keep going!”

• “Yes, don’t stop!”

• “I love it when you touch me there.”

• “I love your enthusiasm, but could you stroke my hair rather than pull it?”

• “Your hands on my body feel amazing. Would you mind running your fingernails down my back?”

• “That’s the perfect spot.”

• “Yes, just like that.”

• “I love the feeling of you grabbing me—hold me harder.”

• “Yes, more please!”

To request something without “ruining the mood,” try these phrases...

• “Yes, kiss my nipples.”

• “Please play with my clit.”

• “You know what would be so hot right now? [Insert request here].”

• “Something I’ve been wanting to try with you…”

• “That feels amazing! Can you do it harder?”

• “I want to taste you—may I?”

• “Can I take these off you?”

• “Please put another finger inside me.”

• “Can we do more of that?”

• “Hold me down—just like that.”

To finish, reinforce the positives, discuss future ideas, and practice aftercare by saying...

• “That was amazing!”

• “Want to go again?”

• “That orgasm turned me inside out.”

• “I love it when we talk dirty to each other.”

• “I want to know what you liked the most so I can do more of that next time.”

• “I want to hear even more of your fantasies next time.”

• “I love that you trust me to [insert action].”

• “You’re glowing right now.”

• “I just want to hold you all night.”

• “What about we take a shower together?”

Where can I find extra dirty talk inspiration?

If you’re still looking for inspiration or just want to make your dirty talk even dirtier (I don’t blame ya!), there are plenty of erotic texts, apps, and other resources out there to help get your ideas flowing.

When exploring written erotica for the first time, anthologies are a great place to start. With multiple authors and stories in each collection, it’s easy to just turn the page if a particular piece doesn’t do it for you. A few favorites include:

• Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica by Sinclair Sexsmith

• The Big Book of Bondage: hot Tales of Erotic Restraint edited by Alison Tyler

• Best Erotic Romance edited by Kristina Wright

• Coming Soon: Women’s Orgasm Erotica edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

• Just Watch Me: Erotica for Women edited by Violet Blue

Sweet & Rough: Queer Kink Erotica by Sinclair Sexsmith

Big Book of Bondage: hot Tales of Erotic Restraint edited by Alison Tyler

Best Erotic Romance edited by Kristina Wright

Coming Soon: Women's Orgasm Erotica edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Just Watch Me: Erotica for Women edited by Violet Blue

If user-submitted stories (not to mention free!) are more your jam, check out Literotica or Archive of Our Own—if fan-fiction is more your style.

If audio erotica tickles your fancy, you might consider checking out sexual wellness and audio porn apps such as Dipsea or Quinn, which, FYI, has a series narrated by Grey’s Anatomy actor Jesse Williams. (Run, don’t walk!)

There are also audiobooks available spotlighting many of the best erotic stories today, too. Check out The Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Vol 5 and narrated by erotica writer and editor Rose Caraway. And if you end up falling in love with Rose’s voice, you’re in luck! She also narrates The Kiss Me Quick’s Erotica Podcast.

If literature and audio aren’t your thing, you can also simply turn to your favorite movies or TV shows for inspiration. Just fast-forward to your favorite sex scenes and pull a few ideas from there to bring into your own dirty talk and play. The naughty opportunities are endless.

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