How I Define ‘Having It All’ as a Working Mom—And How You Can Too
We all have license to change our definition.
Google is wrong—I do have it all. It really is up to you.
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“Thank goodness that’s over,” you sigh as you flop down face-first on your bed after the day from absolute hell. Any scraps of energy you had when you woke up that morning have been sucked up by the Oscar-worthy performance you just dished up.
Everyone got what they expected. They always did. Because that is the person you always let them see: the polished, happy and energized person, fully “made up” in an outfit today, maybe even with some mascara and lipstick.
In their eyes, you had it all. In your heart, you know you didn’t. And by golly, is it exhausting trying to be someone you’re not.
In a recent podcast interview, I was asked if I thought women could “have it all” This was after the journalist read the popular quote in my book, My Beautiful Mess: “you can have it all, just not at the same time.”
“That all depends on our definition of all,” I replied.
The top Google definition of having it all is “finding success in your career, raising a child, maintaining solid relationships and still finding time to take care of yourself and look and feel your best.” I’m exhausted just reading it—and I bet every working mom reading this is too.
Oh, and the definition of “all” is “everything without exception.” Apparently, we can have everything without exception. Google, one must be forgiven for thinking you are officially setting up the human race for disappointment and failure.
Today, I like to think of having it all as a state of fulfilment and contentment rather than a destination to be reached. Let’s call said destination, Summit “Best” (Google’s words). If having it all is a destination, what happens when you reach it? You’re 38 and then life is over? You’ll never have it all again? Crikey, that would be a sorry tale.
Each of us has license to write our own definition of having it all, one that matters only to us. It starts with understanding who we are and accepting our all is a fluid state that will constantly evolve with changing circumstance.
While in the past we could look at life in bigger chunks, today it feels like we all have to chunk it right down. Many of us not being able to look much further than the 24 hours ahead or the end of the work-school day. And that’s OK.
Intentionally keeping our inner happiness glow alight today seems more important than ever.
As the late Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi articulates beautifully in his best seller, Flow, happiness doesn’t happen.
“Happiness, in fact, is a condition that must be prepared for, cultivated, and defended privately by each person. People who learn to control inner experience will be able to determine the quality of happiness in their lives, which is as close as any of us can come to happiness.”
The only person who can judge our happiness is us. And what makes us happy today might not next week. It’s a state that depends on what those three tiny yet mighty words mean at the time.
Today, we need a quick check-in that allows us to dance with the undulating times and nourish our state of happiness from one day to the next. Even if it means our cup is only a quarter full, that’s always better than three quarters empty.
Here are eight questions that I use, sometimes monthly. Other times, weekly. Heck, some days it’s hourly if I’m being totally honest:
What is most important to me and how will I prioritize that today?
What do I need to deliver on today and are those expectations realistic?
What can I be curious about today?
How would I like to feel by the end of today?
What do I need to do to ensure I feel that way?
What is one small thing I can do today to progress towards a bigger picture goal that’s on the back burner?
Who can I connect with that is important to me today?
How will I nourish my values today?
I wrote in My Beautiful Mess how my happiness used to be shallow and expensive, all because I didn’t understand the person I was. I hadn’t delved into my layers to understand what made me happy or what I stood for once the job title was removed and the accolades stopped flowing. I didn’t understand that I was enough.
Since then, I’ve learned that happiness is inexpensive and reliant on a few treasured gifts from me: kindness to soften my heart, my eyes and my smile; an honest eye to see through the filters; patience for the pace that is out of my control; self-compassion for any bruised hopes; curiosity to explore because that’s what will keep me moving forward, regardless of the pace; and lastly, gratitude. Gratitude for waking up in the morning with a smile because sometimes, Google, that really is having it all.
Peta was forced to press pause on life following a 14-year career working with Melbourne’s spinal surgeons in the relentless world of medical device sales. The year that followed was her beautiful mess. Today, as a consultant, speaker and coach, Peta inspires teams and grows businesses, always advocating for more sustainable professional practices that minimize burnout. She recently published a book of her experience working in the medical device sales industry and subsequent personal transformation: My Beautiful Mess - living through burnout & rediscovering me. Connect with her on Instagram, Facebook and LinkedIn.
