From edible tarantulas to a squirrel wallet: Here’s Dave Barry’s 2023 holiday gift guide

The holiday season is a stressful time. You eat too much, you drink too much, you fracture your forefinger stabbing the “off” button on your car radio when it starts playing “The Little Drummer Boy.”

Then there’s the financial stress. You feel pressured to buy gifts for so many people -- everybody from your children’s teachers to your great-aunt Dolores. This is both expensive and nerve-wracking, especially when you remember, too late, that you don’t even have a great-aunt Dolores.

But the biggest cause of stress is trying to find just the right gifts for your loved ones. It’s so easy to get it wrong!

Let’s say you’re a married guy, and you’ve decided, after a lot of agonizing about it, to give your wife an air fryer. Your thinking is: “She’ll love it! Everybody loves air fryers!”

So you buy her an air fryer -- a nice one, with five programmable cooking functions. When she opens it, she thanks you, and she seems reasonably happy. You think: Mission accomplished!

A little while later the two of you are watching TV, and a commercial comes on -- the kind of commercial that pops up often during the holidays. It shows a couple in a sleek modern home. The man in the commercial -- he’s about your age, but much more handsome -- leads the woman to the front door and opens it. And there, gleaming in the driveway, with a big red bow on it, is a new car.

That’s right: HE BOUGHT HER A FREAKING CAR.

The woman in the commercial looks at the car with tears of joy in her eyes, then turns to the man, and you can tell by the way she’s smiling at him that later that evening she is definitely going to deck his halls, if you know what we mean. What we mean is, she’s going to light his yule log.

Meanwhile you glance over at your wife. She’s looking at the couple on the TV. But you know what she’s thinking about. She’s thinking about her air fryer.

“By the way,” you blurt out, “that air fryer has five programmable cooking functions!”

Your wife gives you a weak smile, then turns her gaze back to the TV screen.

“It also has a dishwasher-safe basket!” you say, but you’ve lost her. She’s fully focused on the happy commercial couple, especially the man, who, it bears repeating, is much more handsome than you.

Yes, this is the kind of stress you face during the holidays -- the stress of wondering: Did you buy the right gift, or the wrong gift? But guess what? You don’t need to worry! There’s a simple, easy way that you can know, with 100 percent certainty, that you bought the wrong gift. We are talking, of course, about the Holiday Gift Guide.

The Holiday Gift Guide is a painstakingly curated collection of unique gift ideas. What do we mean by “painstakingly curated?” We mean “ordered from Amazon.” All of the items in this guide are real products that somebody deliberately chose to manufacture for some reason. We have subjected each item to our rigorous Three-Step Quality Testing Procedure:

Step One: We receive the item.

Step Two: We photograph the item.

Step Three: That’s basically it.

It is because of this thorough “vetting” process that we are able to make you the following 100 Percent Satisfaction Assurance Warranty: If you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and for any reason whatsoever you are not completely satisfied with it, then you should never have purchased it in the first place you stupid idiot. And we stand behind those words.

With that assurance in mind, let’s take a look at this year’s collection, starting with a fun but educational toy for the kids:

COW ABDUCTION ACTION SET

$11.59 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, suggested by Asher Scheiner of Lakewood, N.J.

As parents, we of course want our children to have fun. But we also want to educate them, so that they can be aware of the problems they will have to confront when they go out into the real world, such as cows being abducted by aliens.

This is a toy that can accomplish both of these objectives. It consists of a flying saucer, representing the aliens; a green circular thing, representing the Earth; and a cow, representing a cow. Think of the hours of enjoyment some lucky youngster on your gift list will derive from playing with these items! Yet at the same time, he or she will be learning the important lesson that lurking in the sky are mysterious hostile forces that could at any moment snatch up innocent creatures such as cows or children. It’s a lesson the youngster is sure to remember for the rest of his or her life, even with therapy.

TITANIC DOOR POOL FLOAT

$23.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.

One of the most hotly debated questions of our time is this: In the movie Titanic, could Rose, played by Kate Winslet, have saved Jack, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, by letting him get onto the ship door she was floating on, instead of watching him sink like a discarded Miller Lite can into the cold waters of the North Atlantic, played by a swimming pool in a studio?

Until now this has been a purely theoretical debate, with no concrete means available to settle it. But now, thanks to this item, you, or somebody on your gift list, can conduct a scientific experiment to find the answer. This is a pool float designed by leading pool-float scientists to look somewhat vaguely, in the sense of being brown, like the actual prop door used in that famous scene. “COULD ROSE HAVE SAVED JACK?” states the box. “PROVE IT FOR YOURSELF!” The box doesn’t state exactly how you’re supposed to prove it. But we’re confident you’ll figure it out. Just remember the Number One Rule of Water Safety, which is: You did not get this idea from us.

SUTURE PRACTICE KIT

$28.50 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C

Here’s a fun gift idea that is sure to “liven up” any dull social gathering at which nobody has passed out yet. This is a kit intended to teach people -- be they aspiring physicians or simply psychopaths -- how to make sutures. The kit includes needles, thread, various terrifying medical implements and a creepy “practice pad” that simulates human flesh with a variety of wounds such as you might find on an involuntary houseguest of Dr. Hannibal Lecter. Imagine how much fun this kit would be at a party, especially if the guests have been hitting the eggnog! Just thinking about it is forcing us to lie down.

BEER PUPPETEER

$125-$270 plus shipping and handling from Etsy.com; suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.

Do you have someone on your holiday gift list who likes to drink beer, enjoys a challenge and wears washable garments? If so, this is the perfect item for that person. This is a handcrafted wooden drinking-game contraption invented by the Dutch, who coincidentally make a lot of money selling beer.

To play the game, you strap the contraption to your back, then, by manipulating the puppet strings, you attempt to maneuver a glass of beer to your mouth and drink it, but you actually spill it all over yourself. In addition to being fun, this item is a great conversation starter, especially if you wear it when you walk into a swanky nightclub. The conversation you start will be with a bouncer, but still.

BEARD BIB APRON

$4.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; suggested by Jason Neal of Miami

It’s a nightmare scenario that many people face when they trim their beards or mustaches or really bushy eyebrows: Hair falling to the floor. For centuries humanity has longed for a solution to this problem, and finally Science has come up with one, in the form of this beard bib apron. The way it works is, you attach one end around your neck, and attach the other end to a mirror by means of suction cups, thereby forming a sort of hammock in front of you to catch the falling hairs. Not only is this solution simple and practical, but it also looks unbelievably stupid. You’ll want to give this item to everybody on your list who has facial hair as well as a complete lack of self-respect.

SQUALLET

$59.99 plus shipping and handling from scragglybushfurproducts.com; suggested by Brad Slager of Coral Springs

Over the years we have featured some very distinctive products in the Holiday Gift Guide (we are using “distinctive” in the sense of “tasteless”). But we honestly believe that this may be our most distinctive item yet. This is a wallet made out of a deceased squirrel – hence the name “squallet.” And just to be clear: It doesn’t look like a conventional wallet that happens to be made of fur. It looks very much like a deceased squirrel with a zipper in it.

This is the perfect gift for the special man on your holiday list who would enjoy making a “fashion statement.” Picture this: He’s at a nice restaurant, trying to impress a date. They have a lovely meal. When it’s over, the waiter brings the bill. Our man reaches into his jacket pocket and casually pulls out what appears to be 15 inches of roadkill. Talk about suave! Everyone in the restaurant is bound to take notice. Especially if there are Health Department inspectors present.

FLORAL BOUQUET FLASK

$25 plus shipping and handling from flaskyflowers.com; suggested by Sue Eckhardt of Gatesville, Texas

Does your holiday gift list include a bride-to-be who’s been worrying about whether she’ll be able to get through the entire wedding ceremony without access to a refreshing cocktail? If so, this is the item for her. This is a flask disguised as a bouquet of flowers. There’s a straw sticking up, so the user can enjoy a quick belt while pretending to take a whiff of the roses.

But the Floral Bouquet Flask is not just for brides. It’s perfect for any occasion where you might conceivably be carrying a bouquet of flowers, such as a funeral, a football game, a business meeting, parent-teacher conference, an airline flight or your morning commute to work. If anybody questions you, just say it’s an emotional-support bouquet. This is 2023, dammit, and you have rights.

MOTIVATIONAL SHOWER CURTAIN

$26.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.

We all need a “pick me up” in the morning to get us inspired to go out and face the new day. And what could be more inspirational than a large color image of the Supreme Leader of North Korea, Kim Jong Un, smiling like a big fat tub of authoritarian lard with bad teeth who will imprison you if you fail to meet your quota? Nothing, that’s what!

Which is why this shower curtain is the perfect gift for anybody on your list who needs motivation and has a bathroom. This tasteful curtain blends perfectly into any decor and is guaranteed to produce results.

FACT: Before he got this curtain, Elon Musk was working as a barista for minimum wage.

HAPI AIR GERM-FREE CANDLE BLOWER

$9.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.

This gift is a wonderful way to send the following heartfelt message to some lucky youngster on your gift list: “Your body may contain deadly microorganisms.” This device is intended for use at birthday parties. According to the manufacturer, it is made of “quality plastic” and contains “a medical grade filter.” The idea is that the youngster blows through this device to extinguish birthday candles and thereby avoids getting spit all over the cake. It’s fun AND hygienic! The fact that the federal government has not yet mandated the use of this device at all birthday parties frankly makes us wonder why we even HAVE a federal government.

FACT: Every year, more Americans are killed by birthday cakes than by lightning strikes and shark attacks combined.

EDIBLE TARANTULA

$39.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com; Suggested by John A. Gregg

Here’s the ultimate gift for the sophisticated person on your gift list who enjoys eating exotic gourmet food, defined as “food that would cause a normal person to barf up his or her previous three meals.” This is an actual tarantula -- specifically, a zebra tarantula -- that has been prepared and packaged for human consumption by the Newport Jerky Company, which states on the package that the tarantula has been “cooked and dehydrated with a light dusting of salt.” Yum!

Now we know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “But nobody would actually eat that thing! It’s too disgusting! Nobody is that weird! Nobody would deliberately--”

Please shut up. You are incorrect. There is, in fact, a person who would eat this tarantula. His name is Gene Weingarten. (We mean the person’s name is Gene Weingarten; the tarantula’s name is Hector.)

Gene is an old friend of the Holiday Gift Guide. He is a respected, award-winning journalist and author, as well as a complete lunatic, especially with respect to eating weird things. Here is a partial list of the foods he says he has consumed: muskrat, jellyfish, squirrel, snail, alligator, kangaroo, snake, bull testicles and “a preserved Asian duck egg so old its insides were black paste.” He once ate a lobster tail that had been severed from the lobster so recently that the lobster actually watched him eat it.

So Gene was more than happy to eat Hector. He even supplied a video of himself cheerfully chewing, during which he says, quote: “Good! Crunchy! That was the thorax.” He reports that “It tasted almost exactly like soft-shelled crab.” We will take his word for it.

Among the other foods sold in jerky form by the Newport Jerky Company are thresher shark, octopus, bull testicle, snapping turtle, python and rattlesnake. They also offer a “Mystery Jerky Bag,” which we don’t want to even think about.

Special thanks to this year’s product models and actors: Alie Skowronski, Dan Skowronski, Eden Brazil, Anna Zilberberg, Sofia Affortunato, Alexandra Balmaceda, Emelie Yave, Dr. John Yao, Joey Flechas, Liz Zaney, Zaney Family and Friends, Ryan, Chris, Kaia, Marty Chilcote, Wendy Mendoza and Anna Zilberberg.

And thanks to our filming locations: Bierhaus, Coral Gables, Yao Animal Hospital, Miami, LA Boudoir Miami.