Dave Barry’s 2022 Holiday Gift Guide goes back to the Three Wise Men for inspiration
Once again we are in the holiday season, a time when we traditionally buy gifts for our loved ones, including the ones we do not actually like.
The problem is that gifts cost money, unless we make them ourselves, in which case they usually suck. But what if we don’t have money? What if we find ourselves short on cash this holiday season? What gifts can we give our loved ones?
To answer that question, let’s go back more than 2,000 years to the originators of the holiday gift-giving tradition: the three wise men. The Bible tells us that they brought the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.
We all know what gold is, of course. But what the heck are frankincense and myrrh? According to Wikipedia, they are both aromatic tree resins. That’s right: Two-thirds of the wise men chose to give their newborn king, as a physical symbol of their reverent adoration, goo from a tree. Why? Because they were guys, that’s why. Here’s what probably happened:
FIRST WISE MAN: So I’m bringing gold as my gift.
SECOND WISE MAN: Wait, what?
THIRD WISE MAN: You got a gift?
FIRST WISE MAN: It was my wife’s idea.
SECOND WISE MAN: I didn’t know we were supposed to bring a gift!
THIRD WISE MAN: Me either! What’re we gonna do?
(The wise men notice they are standing next to a tree, which has excreted some globs of resin.)
SECOND WISE MAN: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
FIRST WISE MAN: Are you serious? That looks like squirrel poop.
THIRD WISE MAN: We can tell them it’s aromatic.
And that is the heartwarming story of why we give gifts at this time of year. What lesson does this story teach us? It teaches us that holiday gift-giving is not about money: it is about desperation. If you are truly desperate to find a gift, you will settle for anything, no matter how stupid it is. And when you’re talking stupid, you’re talking our world-famous famous Holiday Gift Guide.
How do we do it? How do we manage, year after year, to assemble a collection of gift items of such consistently low quality? The answer, in one word, is “lack of integrity.” Every year we spend literally several minutes going through the gift suggestions that have been sent to us by members of the public who have far too much spare time. We choose only those items that meet our rigorous standards for inclusion in the Gift Guide, specifically:
1. They do not cost a lot of money.
2. That’s pretty much it on the standards.
It is because of all this rigor that we are able to offer you our Quality Assurance Warranty of Guaranteed Assuredness, which states that if you purchase an item featured in this Gift Guide, and for any reason you are not completely satisfied with it, simply deposit it in any participating dumpster and walk briskly away. We will take it from there.
But enough with the “sales pitch.” Let’s take a look at the items we selected for this year’s Holiday Gift Guide.
Dissolving Swimsuit
$19.99 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.
Here’s the perfect gift for you to give to the man on your gift list who meets two criteria:
1. He enjoys swimming.
2. He has given you some reason to want him to be arrested for indecent exposure.
This appears to be a normal boring pair of men’s swimming trunks. But this is no ordinary swimsuit: This swimsuit is sewn together with a special trick thread developed by top prank scientists, so that when it is immersed in water, the thread dissolves and the suit falls apart.
Imagine the look on the victim’s face as he suddenly finds himself stark naked, possibly in public with small children around! Ha ha! It’s a hilarious prank that even the victim will still be laughing about years from now as he tells the story to his fellow inmates.
Full-Face Sunglasses
$14.99 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by Ralph Kirshner of New Hampton, N.H.
Do you have a fashion-conscious individual on your gift list who likes to “stand out from the crowd?” If so, these sunglasses, which come from Japan, are the perfect gift. Whereas ordinary boring old-fashioned sunglasses cover only the wearer’s eyes, these glasses cover the entire face.
“Oversized fashion frames is today’s trend,” states the manufacturer, and we know of no reason why the manufacturer would mislead us. It is our understanding that top movie stars such as Brad Pitt wear these sunglasses everywhere, including in the shower.
In addition to looking great, these glasses protect your face from the harmful rays of the sun caused by global climate change. This is a major health benefit, and we would like to see the concept expanded. We look forward to the day when we can purchase sunglasses so hugely fashionable that they cover our upper body all the way down to the waist, although for now that is only a dream.
Willie Nelson Chia Pet
$20.79 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by Bill Hudgins of Gallatin, Tenn.
If we were asked to name the two most important cultural advances of the past thousand years, we, like most people, would answer “Willie Nelson and the Chia Pet.” Unfortunately, for far too long these were two separate and distinct things. But now, at last, they have been combined in the form of this Willie Nelson Decorative Pottery Planter, a gift that the manufacturer states is “perfect for any occasion.”
If you have somebody on your holiday list who enjoys growing things, or looking at fine art, or simply getting really baked and sitting around, this is the gift for that person. Also when you purchase this item you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you are helping Willie Nelson financially, assuming he gets a piece of the action, and if he does not we urge him (he is a loyal reader of the Holiday Gift Guide) to seek legal counsel.
Yoga Joes
$25 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.
Do you have a child on your holiday gift list? And do you want to give that child the kind of gift that every modern child wants, specifically a gift that is nonaggressive as well as peaceful? Then you need to give that child the gift of Yoga Joes.
These are action figures that look like those little green plastic army men, except that instead of carrying weapons and being in combative stances, these figures are unarmed, and they are striking yoga poses such as “downward dog,” “crow,” “lotus” and “tree.”
Think of the hours of fun the child will have playing with these figures and using them to re-enact the many great moments in history that involved soldiers in important military engagements doing yoga! “Who needs video games?!” the child will probably exclaim while giving you a great big nonaggressive hug.
Finger Chopsticks for Video Gamers
$7.95 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by Michael R. Moyer of Bensalem, Penn.
It’s a problem we all face when we are playing video games: We wish to eat a nourishing snack such as a potato chip or a Cheez Doodle, but we do not wish to get grease or orange schmutz on our fingers. And so we ask ourselves: Is there a better way to convey the snack to our mouth? Can it be done without making direct physical contact with the snack? And what the hell is “Cheez?”
The answer to two of these questions is: Yes! There is a better way to pick up snack foods, and that way is finger chopsticks, the perfect gift for the hardcore “gamer” on your gift list. These are similar to the low-tech chopsticks used in Asia to eat Asian food, but these are made of space-age plastic and designed to fit over your hand so that you can pick up snacks while keeping your fingers clean and free for gaming. Truly this is a “game-changing” innovation, which is why the inventor of these chopsticks was recently awarded the Nobel Prize for Cutlery.
Baby Mop Onesie
$16.99 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by Al Barkafski of Conshohocken, Pa.
Everybody loves babies. Why not? They’re cute AND they’re tax deductible.
But let’s be honest: If you, or somebody on your gift list, has a baby in the household, odds are that baby is not pulling its weight. Ask a baby to do a simple household chore such as wash the dishes or mow the lawn, and the baby will act as though it has no idea what you’re talking about. Thanks a lot, baby!
Fortunately, the “bad old days” of babies being unproductive are finally over, thanks to this groundbreaking product. This is a onesie with mop material attached to the legs and arms, so that when the baby crawls around, it is literally mopping the floor, thereby freeing you to perform other important household tasks such as drink coffee. If you have an especially active baby, you could even rent it out to restaurants, hotels and other institutions that have floors that need mopping. Experts agree that it is never too early for a baby to develop a strong work ethic.
Phone Umbrella
$13.74 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Suggested by John Lobert of Simpsonville, S.C.
Without question our most important possessions, as human beings — and we are including internal organs in this discussion — are our phones. We sleep with our phones, we go to the bathroom with our phones, we touch our phones constantly to reassure ourselves that we are still in contact with them. If we are being honest, we will admit that we love our phones more than we love our immediate family.
And yet too often we allow our precious phones to be exposed to the elements in the form of rain or direct sunlight. That’s why this gift is perfect for everyone on your gift list. This is a miniature umbrella that attaches to your phone by means of a space-age scientific principle that scientists call “suction.”
With this device attached to your phone, you will no longer have to scurry for shelter during a thunderstorm. You can remain out in the open, confident that your phone is protected, unless of course you are incinerated by a bolt of lightning. But that is a risk that we here at the Holiday Gift Guide are willing to take.
Pop-Up Snake Toilet Prank
$39.99 plus shipping and handling from bigmouthinc.com
Suggested by Asher Scheiner
Who doesn’t love a fun toilet prank that potentially could cause heart failure? Nobody, that’s who! And that’s why everybody on your holiday gift list would love to receive this item, which is a rubber snake that attaches via high-tech “suction” cups to the underside of your toilet seat and YIKES pops up when the unsuspecting victim lifts the lid. Ha ha! Talk about some potentially life-threatening bathroom fun!
You can buy this item with complete confidence. It is the only toilet-snake prank endorsed by both Martha Stewart and the Vatican.
Pop-Up Personal Privacy Tent
$39.97 plus shipping and handling from amazon.com
Have you ever asked yourself how famous Hollywood celebrities such as Tom Cruise are able to go out in public without being pestered by ordinary lowlife nobodies such as yourself?
The answer might surprise you: Tom is only 14 inches tall.
Ha ha! We’re kidding, of course. He stands well over 3 feet. The serious answer is that your top celebrities protect their privacy in public by concealing themselves inside this personal privacy tent.
This item comes as a compact, easy-to-carry package that unfolds in seconds to form a free-standing structure with a zipper opening. So no matter where you are — a shopping mall, a cocktail party, a business meeting — if you suddenly need some “alone time,” all you do is erect your tent and zip yourself inside, and instantly you will be invisible to the other people. “Where did Bob go?” they will say. (We’re assuming your name is Bob.)
This is the perfect gift for the privacy-lover on your holiday list. Elvis has been using one for 45 years.
Exorcist Action Figure
$20 plus shipping and handling from www.super7.com
Suggested by pharmaross of Fort Myers
Here’s a fun gift for the youngster on your holiday list who has an active imagination. This is an action figure depicting Regan MacNeil, the unfortunate young girl who got possessed by Satan in the movie “The Exorcist.”
The figure is highly realistic, featuring a demonic face and a dress spattered with green vomit. It will provide hours of entertainment for some lucky child. Hours and hours. And then the sun will go down, and night will fall. And then it will be bedtime. Time for the child to be alone, in the dark, trying to fall asleep, with Regan MacNeil just a few inches away, staring.
It will be the most fun holiday ever.
